Fire in the Body, Fire in the Blog

A Time for Depth

2009-05-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

Depth. How many of us live from our depth, from our essence? Truly ourselves, truly alive, spirit and matter fused?

Our depth scares the shit out of us. Who would we each be if we lived from our deepest knowing, our deepest seeing, our true self expressed - no fear, no shame, no smallness? Ditch the lies - the lies we tell ourselves in order to keep ourselves safe, keep the world in status quo that only seeks to buffer us from who we could be. From our power, our greatness, our bigness.

Yes, I have run from my depth. Wanted to hide it. Play small. Stay safe. No risk. Too easy to survive, too easy just to get by.

But there's too much to lose. We suffer when we hold back our gifts. Our truth. Our seeing. Our knowing. Our hearts. When we hide from God, we hide from ourselves, never knowing who we really are.

Who are you, really? What do you hide? From yourself? From others? Who would you be if you cut the bullshit? What do you really want? Diving beneath the surface. Risking everything for the sake of love, bringing more love into the world.

Tonight I sat with seven men, men with courage, men with heart. They have begun this journey to know and live from their depths. They have screamed, cried, shared. They have loved. I salute them. I give gratitude for them. There is hope.

There is hope.

Deep Surrender

2009-05-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

"True strength lies not in the ability to persist, but to surrender."

Destiny. Heart's Desire. The Courage to Love. This is a time to surrender; surrender the ego, the things we think we want and need. Our souls are calling out, crying out to return home to the Beloved, to the pervasive Oneness that we ultimately cannot avoid.

Sure, we get to choose, but the deepest choice is to align with God, and this is where Love lies. The opening of the heart. Allowing the heartbreak, knowing that it will take us home. What does guidance tell you? What are you being shown?

I have been resisting my guidance. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit. "But what about what I (big capital I) want," my ego mind asks?

Well, sometimes the picture looks a bit different, at least on the surface. It differs from what God has in store for us. But isn't that the edge - trusting God more than we trust ourselves?

Deep down, I know. You know. Just listen. Because in the big picture, it IS what you truly want. Let it break you open. Fuck the "I deserves" and the "I'm worth its." Live deeper than that. Play a bigger game.

All it takes is to listen.

And trust.

And open.

Full Circle

2009-05-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

The power of the circle. Ancient shape, evolution, advances forward into the heart of the new millennium. Round and round it spins, we spins, in the cosmic orbit that we inhabit moment-to-moment.

We forget the circle, deny it's power. Lines. Squares. Buildings. Edges. Fall of the edge of the Earth.

It is in the circle that we come home, unite with spirit. No beginning, no end. This is the Oneness. This is the surrender. Surrender to the all. That which has no beginning nor end.

We come together to sit in circle. Feel the energy build. Behold its power. Unity. Oneness. The one voice comes through. The one spirit moves through. It is done! It is so! It is! Let us rejoice together!

A Call

2009-05-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

The call is upon us - do or die. Believe the hype or believe the higher power, the source, the divine call to stand up in truth.

Fuck the swine flu, the economy, the bailouts and bankruptcies, American Idol and Facebook quizzes. It's all a distraction; none of it will save you from yourself, from your fear, from your mortal terror of having to surrender your life over to God, to truth, to Oneness.

It is a time for simplicity, returning to source, to essence. Shoot some roots, deep down into the earth and stand tall, motherfuckers. It's not a time for playing small, playing games, or panicking. There's no time for that bullshit. Just let it go.

What's in your heart? What really matters? That's the call. That's the request. To truly know ourselves, our purpose, our being, our reasons, whatever they may be. To live as love.

We've distracted, numbed, avoided, run, hid, and fought all this shit for too long. All for what?

To avoid facing the truth of who we are.

Well, it's time to find out what we're really made of. Do or die. Keep playing the game or surrender.

What are you afraid of, really?

The Mother Wound

2009-04-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading "When He's Married to Mom" by Kenneth Adams, and man, it's powerful stuff! It's about men who are emotionally enmeshed with their mothers (he estimates about 1 in 10 men are, but I'm guessing just about all of us are to some degree), and how it impacts their adult relationships, particularly with women.

While there is a lot of work emerging around authentic masculine presence, and how many modern men are in a stage of being weak, lacking clear direction, and wishy-washy, little of these approaches go beneath the surface of social constructs to explore why this is the case. Reading this book was like, "holy shit!" I felt like a huge light bulb went off.

It made a lot of sense around how I relate and show up in the world: having difficulty committing, not trusting myself, caretaking, suppressing my own needs, having vague or non-existent boundaries, extreme sensitivity, sleeping around, focusing a lot on sexuality at the expense of intimacy, being so attached to the idea of relationship that I impose it on a partner . . . things I naturally assumed were just part of the masculine experience or a result of social conditioning. Qualities I thought I just had to "push past," and that I could just get over (or just have to accept). These are all common qualities of men who are emotionally enmeshed with their mothers (whether she is physically in your life or not), and/or who have been sexually abused by their mothers.

I see how many other men in my life have these same symptoms. While I agree that we can make present-moment choices and do practices that bring us more into authentic connection and embodied presence, I think it's important to understand what lies at the root of our current state. Not only that, but to go back to the root (family of origin), and first and foremost show up different in those relationships. I know for myself that consciously creating a new relationship with my mother over the past five years or so (and my father over the past fifteen years), has probably had the most impact on how I relate to everyone else in my life.

I feel really grateful for this book, and these awarenesses. Reading it has brought up a lot of grief, sadness, and anger, and also a lot of relief, hope, and excitement. There is a way out. It is possible to become free. It is time to go beneath the surface; this is how we create true integral presence.

From the Wastelands of Portland, Part 1 (of 1)

2009-02-24T18:00:00.000-08:00

(reprinted from November 2, 2008 on www.WeAreTheLovers.com)

Journey into the Spaceship of Time Travel

A rainy night, fallen autumn leaves scattered about the boulevard as a man steps out of his car, dressed in 80's-style Reebok high-tops, torn jeans, and a Megadeth t-shirt so well-worn that it consists of as many holes as it does fabric.

Destination: the looming, spaceship-like building in the distance

I head towards the building. It's a little wet outside, but warm, especially for an evening in November. I don't pass many people, which is interesting, because thousands of others are expected to be arriving.

Hmmm. Perhaps I've taken the road less traveled.

Nevertheless, I continue on, finally arriving at the Rose Garden to see the show. It's been a long time - sixteen-and-a-half years, give or take. I know I'm cutting it close, and hope to make the second opening band after intentionally skipping the first.

I'm a little late. Down, the New Orleans-based metal band with a southern groove, has already begun its set. I quickly make my way to my seat, settling in and grooving to the music. Even though they've been around since 1991 and feature two former members of Pantera, the crowd doesn't seem to know who they are.

I'm disappointed that the crowd is so blase about such a great and influential band.

Nor do they care; they're there to see the headlining band, the pioneers of a style of music born in the Bay Area of San Francisco called Thrash Metal. Down finishes up their set, and we wait in anticipation. Finally, the lights go down, and the spaghetti-western piece, "The Ecstasy of Gold," comes on. It's been used as the show's opening music for almost 20 years now, and we all know what that means: Metallica is about to take the stage.

The Rose Garden and miscellaneous streets, Portland, Oregon November 1, 2008

Metallica in concert, date unknown

The Long-Haired Freaks

We're all piled in my 1986 Mazda, a group of long-haired, black t-shirted and blue-jeaned teens heading west on the Garden State Parkway. It's either the second or third show, and we're back for more, sponsored by free press-box tickets scored by David from his babysitting gig.

How ironic.

The ride is loud; music blasting, testosterone pumping, passengers getting a little rowdy.

Ok, a lot rowdy.

"Holy shit, look out!"

Distracted by the internal vehicular chaos, I look up just in time to swerve and avoid hitting the slowed car in front of me at 60 mph. Somewhere in the ethers where time and space are relative, Anakha rolls her eyes and groans at David's driving.

This music is symbolic of where I'm at in my life. Angry, rebellious, resentful towards the world and critical of society's injustices and hypocrisies, I can relate to it. In it, I find one of the few places of solace, and a sense of being understood.

Locked up in my room for hours, I play along to Metallica's records over and over again, creating the foundation for my guitar chops, interestingly enough later to be applied towards classical music. My anger is often present; anger towards my dad, anger towards kids in school, it becomes the shield, a way to feel powerful in the face of my fear and isolation. It runs deep enough to result in having my senior yearbook blurb banned, resulting in an inquisitive session with one of my teachers.

We arrive safely at the show.

Three hours later, ears ringing, bodies worn out, necks sore from headbanging, we emerge, stopping at the 7-11 for diet cokes, snowballs, and other unhealthy celebratory snacks. These trips are like rituals, one the few times when I feel like a part of something, when I feel connected. We return home, tired but satiated.

Briarcliff Manor, NY, The Meadowlands Arena, East Rutherford, New Jersey, and points in-between, March 1992

David, ca. 1992

Enter Light, Exit Night

Metallica kicks in full-force, music blasting, drums pounding, guitars crunching. I rock out, singing along and playing air guitar to the songs that I know so well.

Somehow, it's different. Not better or worse, just different.

It's been an interesting year. It has seemed circular, with many things from my long-forgotten past returning: cupcakes and diet coke, sugar cereals, meat and McDonald's, TV, video games, things that have been out of my life for a long, long time. And tonight, seeing a band who I've passed up seeing for the past sixteen years. It has seemed like my past has been coming into the present, offering a chance to heal the parts of myself that were wounded so long ago.

Earlier today of all days, I started seeing old high-school classmates on Facebook, and noticed the lingering resentment and constriction I felt when I saw their names and faces, old memories resurfacing. It was a great mirror to show me how I've held on to my anger for so long, too long, and to let go; to stop carrying around these outdated feelings and ideas. I don't need them any longer. And the truth is, they didn't serve me in many ways back then, either. Very timely, especially considering that my anger has been up for healing recently.

I have a great time at the show. Rather than a chance to vent like it was in the past, it felt like a chance to celebrate. Even the crowd was different: toddlers, seniors, clean-cut conservatives, and kids who don't look old enough to shave made up a large percentage of the attendees. At a Metallica concert, mind you.

Somehow, it seems relevant. Celebration instead of rebellion, community instead of isolation, powerful creative energy instead of constricted anger.

The circle has come around again, and I have a new perspective and opportunity to let go, to continue to shed the layers of defense and protection. I drive safely home, no near accidents, and a simple desire for some fruit and water instead of artificial ingredients and sugar.

Full circle, indeed.

Portland, Oregon November 1, 2008

- David Franklin (with love and homage to Robert ;)

"Exit light, enter night
Take my hand, we're off to never-never land."

- Metallica, "Enter Sandman"

"So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters"

- Metallica, "Nothing Else Matters"

David, ca. 2048?

All I Want is to Love

2009-02-19T23:26:00.000-08:00

All I want is to love
That's what this is all about

This holding on
This grasping
This wanting
This yearning
This craving

To love in the midst of pain
Of fear
Of anger
Of rejection
Of betrayal
Of abandonment

It's why I keep coming back
Over and over again
Breaking my heart
Over and over again
Until there's nothing left to break

Shattered into a million pieces
Over years
Decades
Millenia
Eons

Wear it down until there's nothing left
No armor
No defenses
No protection
No excuses

Nothing to get in return
But Love

Grief

2009-02-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

I've been experiencing grief over the past few days, a deep sense of sadness and loss. There have been many things of been letting go of recently: relationships/ways of relating, old ideas and beliefs, fears and insecurities. Time seems to have slowed down: I feel both the grief of the old alongside the power and joy of the new. Everything seems still and quiet, like the calm after a storm.

Matthew Fox spoke last night about the need to heal shame, particularly amongst the masculine. Once we go beneath the anger, we begin to touch upon the layers of grief and sadness beneath it. We mourn for what we've lost, or even for what we never had. Indigenous cultures have regular grief rituals to help access the grief and let it go; as part of the shame/grief comes a sense of not belonging, of being left out. These rituals create inclusion and community, a place where we can come together to share and acknowledge a powerful aspect of the human experience, one that we all carry.

As I move into the new, I experience the grief of the old: old lovers, loves that never were, ways of staying safe and protecting myself, ways of hiding, habits of separation and closure. Like an old blanket, comfortable and familiar, it's time to let go; with that comes the grief, along with tender vulnerability that comes with dropping the defensive armoring. I feel the blanket slipping away, and I mourn its loss. I surrender control, surrender knowing who and what I will become. It is new, unfamiliar territory. Old David leaving; new David arriving. Can I trust the process? At the core lies the belief that I can't have what I want, and the more I let go, the more I want to hold on to the past; it gives me a false sense of security - if I let go, then I REALLY won't get what I want.

And so I've been trusting, slowly, letting the mediocrity slip away, the mediocrity of sort of having what I want, seemingly just around the corner. I allow the grief to wash away the past, stepping into the new reality of the now, new, fresh, unfamiliar. I choose to believe and to have faith. It is the only way.

Opening to the One

2009-01-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

Surrender. Release. Opening.

Things seem to be accelerating, foot on the gas, all systems go.

Tonight at my class, I spoke of commitment. Not doing anything half-assed, or even 90%, but going all the way. Committing to each breath, each step, each word, each action.

How often do we do this? How often do I do this? In the space of 100%, there is no room for whining or complaining. No room for maybes. Do or don't. Pretty simple and clear.

One action I've continued to take is doing regular exercise, at least five days a week. Through this commitment, changes are happening. Not just in my body, but in many areas of my life. A sense of solidity, strength, and groundedness. More power. More clarity. More in control of my emotions and reactions, rather than being ruled by them. More confidence.

I'm noticing many ways where I've held back, gotten caught up in the drama and details, as opposed to simply focusing on what I want and going for it. Ironically, it's taking less effort than ever. Rather than "do" or force, all I need to do is open and surrender to what I want, trusting that there is enough as long as I am open to receiving it.

Now, why don't they teach that in school?

The Faces of Love

2008-12-28T22:48:00.001-08:00

I've had numerous conversations over the past few days about love, and all of its faces.

One that has been sticking with me was in response to an ex-girlfriend asking me what had been missing for me in our relationship. After talking with her and sitting with our conversation, it struck me that nothing was "missing." I didn't want to be her life partner, but I still loved her; it was just that our relationship had a certain flavor of love, and at the time, being young, inexperienced, naive, and raised in this culture, assumed that the feelings I was having at the time meant that we should be in a romantic relationship. Black or white, friend or partner, either/or.

In hindsight, I realize that what I really wanted was an intimate friendship; to be close with her, spend time together, have fun, etc. However, our culture has a limited scope of how love can be expressed and experienced between two (or three, or even a community) of people. At the time, I tried to put the complexity of my feelings and experiences into one of the acceptable boxes.

I read a book many years ago called "The Future of Love" by Daphne Rose Kingma, where she talks about the myriad of ways that love can be experienced between people. As I'm experiencing true unattachment to how love shows up and from whom, I'm beginning to fully realize and experience this complexity and depth in all my relationships, and truly appreciate each one of them for what it is.

As I reflect on all my relationships, I see how they are all so different; so many nuances, colors, textures, flavors, shapes, and sizes in each one. Some are more intimate, others more playful; some are intellectual, some spiritual, some emotional. In some there's attraction that's simply acknowledged but not engaged; in others it's explored; in several, it's turned into a commitment. Et cetera, et cetera. All different, all unique, so much so that using words like friend, lover, partner, sister, etc. don't really begin to describe the richness and specialness of the relationship. How can love be classified, or reduced to fit?

My current path is learning to receive love. I've been comfortable offering it, but (more or less unconsciously) closed to letting it in. As I do, I'm experiencing a peace, joy, fulfillment, and happiness that I never have before. I'm trusting myself. I'm trusting the Divine. I feel a freedom to choose who I want to connect with and how, rather than based on obligation and attachment. I feel free to let love lead, and discover how it wants to show up in my life - no need to figure it out, to plan, to seek it out; it's already here. No"neediness," no need to control. I'm getting that there is enough for everyone, including me. And, as I allow love to just be, I get exactly what I need.

Getting Bigger

2008-11-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

I'm finding it difficult to really articulate what I've been feeling and experiencing lately, but essentially I sense myself coming forth. I've wanted to say it's like coming back from this dark, intense place that I've experienced over the past year plus, but I can't say that I've ever been here before.

I feel a growing sense of peace and contentment, an inner light and joy that is growing brighter. Being here in NY, where I grew up, everything feels new. Having worked the steps, my relationships with my family seem fresh, different. I feel different. I am different. Clear, grounded, connected, present, aware of my desires. I don't care as much about being liked, or as worried about anyone leaving me.

I notice that in the past, I've always taken what I can get, but not exactly known or stood for what I've really wanted; in my work, relationships, finances, health, home, etc.. I've gotten skilled at embracing "what-is," but stopped there, holding back from extraordinary, blissful, ecstatic, from what I really want.

Now, there is no more need to rationalize, to be diplomatic, to be quite so accepting. It's time to go beyond, to embrace my true power and desire for what I want in my life, and in service to the planet.

And so, I'm willing and ready to kick some spiritual ass, to be vibrant, strong, clear, and focused. I'm willing to love relentlessly, fearlessly, and stand in my truth and my desire. I'm willing to play and laugh, to risk, to be myself. I'm willing to be big, to take up space, to say yes, to say no, and to surrender to the Divine. I'm willing to step into my calling to work with men, and to spread the gospel of the mystical erotic! Amen to that, praise the Lord, Hallelujah!

And, I'm literally getting bigger! Brad (www.tridfitness.com/personaltrainers.html) measured me after one month of personal training, and I've put on 5 lbs. of muscle, grown some bigger biceps, and expanded my chest 1-1/2 inches. Embodiment, indeed!

Laying Down the Shield

2008-10-29T22:49:00.001-07:00

I sit here tonight, aware of my eyes, unguarded without metal and glass, soft and watery, a little blurry.

It mirrors how I feel inside: vulnerable, soft, layers slipping away. I sense being in a place of transformation, but it seems different - relatively calm, not particularly intense, even graceful. My mind wonders: Am I doing it right? It should look bigger! Where's the drama?!

I'm aware of my layers of defense, this shield of anger and fear that has kept me separate. Little by little, they are slipping away. Underneath, I feel the fear of them being completely dissolved. It's not really a rational fear; what I get when I feel into letting go is a sense that I'm going to be hit, be it by another person, or even by God. Kicked while I'm down. I feel it in my chest, my heart, all the way through my core. A memory before words. I don't even think I've been aware of how deep it's run. I do know that I often feel slightly uncomfortable around people.

I lay on the altar tonight at dance and surrendered another layer. Gentle tears flowed as I opened my body, softened, surrendered. It was a new experience to let go with people around me. One step at a time.

In the midst of this fear, I am experiencing a growing sense of peace and happiness. I am learning to hold both, the light and the shadow, and not get swept away in the darkness. Patience, a new way of being with myself.

I say yes to my intentions of being:
* A visionary who effectively teaches, guides, and creates communal and planetary transformation
* A loving and devoted partner
* Creative, playful, and expressive
* Spiritually conscious
* A passionate presence
* Happy and joy-filled
* Embodied in the mystical and the erotic

I continue to let go and to surrender. I continue to say yes. I continue to open. I continue to love.

And so it is!

Choosing vs. Feeling

2008-10-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting conundrum - discerning when to feel and when to choose a different way of being.

I think that it is important to feel, particularly in our culture, where being in the body and fully experiencing emotions and sensations is more uncommon in favor of numbing out or thinking and intellectualizing. I notice the numbing in many forms: substances, TV, work, etc. On the flipside is focusing on choosing a different reality, also often at the expense of being present with what is and disconnecting from the body, getting lost in a vision without root and ground in the physical.

On a personal level, I notice that I can get too stuck in feeling, believing that it's important just to feel for the sake of feeling and being present. When I do this, I often feel stuck and bogged down in the feeling. I noticed this yesterday, when Anakha pointed out to me that I could choose something other than being angry. When she said it, a light bulb went off; I never realized before that there even was a choice, that I could choose to let it go and focus on something else. Maybe it seems obvious, but it never occurred to me before.

I've felt a lot of anger and rage in my life, and still do. Even though it has diminished as I've done work around it, it still does get in the way for me from becoming free. It becomes a shield, a way to stay stuck, a safe place. I definitely feel vulnerable when I move into choosing something else.

I think I've felt enough anger in my life to not have to feel it any more. It is time to let it go and focus on what I want, and let go of the past. It is time to trust. It is time to open.

Stepping into Vision

2008-09-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

As I sit down to blog, I'm aware of many different thoughts and experiences . . .

Doing my 9th step (making amends to those I've harmed), and feeling both humble and free, like weights are being lifted. Connecting with people intimately, revealing myself, being vulnerable. Still a few more people left to make amends with; interestingly enough, I feel most afraid of making amends with myself.

Having a sense of being stripped down, like the past, who I've been, how I've been, is gone. Nothing really seems familiar right now. Being born again, reinvented, starting clean and fresh. Cultivating a deeper sense of faith and trust. Not knowing how I was going to pay my rent this month (the first time I've ever been in that position), and coming through today, just in time! The world wide open, endless possibilities. Interesting that all this coincides with the Jewish new year, which is today. At least with doing my steps I'm ahead of the curve of Yom Kippur (atoning for sins), which is coming up towards the end of next week ;)

Feeling bursts of creative energy, feeling more excited, happier, more peaceful. Today, coming across the current issue of "What is Enlightenment?," which is about the direction of men and masculinity, and feeling inspired, connected to a deeper sense of purpose and resonance. I know that this is an essential part of my work, and I've also been noticing it when I work with clients, how energized and excited I feel from our work together.

Not knowing, not needing to know. Listening to guidance. Trusting. Choosing vision over "damage." Choosing to be open, especially when I want to close down. Loving the moment, loving what is. Finding the joy and excitement. These are my current lessons, and they are becoming easier as I practice.

Sacred Union of the Self

2008-09-11T23:12:00.001-07:00

Something struck me during our gathering tonight as we visioned together; the experience of experiencing the beloved that lives within me.

For most of my life, I've sought someone outside of myself, usually a woman, to feel whole and complete. While I've known intellectually that the Sacred Union must occur within, I've had relatively little experience of embodying it. I also get that whatever dance has been happening in my relationships has been my internal push/pull and fear of intimacy projected outwards, and that going within is the place to create a shift, again something that I've known but am now experiencing.

As I've become more aware of and present with the emptiness that I sense inside myself, as well as with how I've used sex and relationship to fill it (as well as fantasy and projection to avoid it), something is shifting inside me. A sense of completeness, of solidity, of richness. It's been flickering in and out over the past couple of weeks, gradually getting brighter and stronger. Tonight, the sense feels more stable and rooted. For one of the few times in my life, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship (or even feel ready to be in one).

After the guided visioning process, I realized that my vision right now is to fully experience and embody this inner Sacred Union, all parts of myself unifying into a clear channel and vessel, as well as a pillar of strength. While I don't quite know where this path will lead, I have a sense that it will be an important part of what I teach. Regardless, I feel excited and energized when I connect with this vision (and my inner critic telling me that it seems too easy and fun to be a bonafide and worthy vision). I have been wanting to connect with this place for a long time, and have not felt, or been, ready until now.

Tonight, as I step into the unknown, letting go of the how and trusting the call, I feel ready. Ready to surrender control, ready to create, ready to love.

I am ready.

New Endings, New Beginnings

2008-07-26T19:47:00.001-07:00

I sit here tonight, tired, relaxed, energy streaming throughout my body, releasing, clearing after a day in the sun, swimming in the river, mangoes, raspberries, deepening friendships, heart opening . . .

I'm not really just tired from today though . . . over the past two days, seeing the truth of my addictions and how they impact me, impact my life, impact my relationships with others. And so tonight, things seem both clear and fuzzy, settled and unsettled, comfortable and uncomfortable, simple and complex. In truth, there is always paradox . . .

I see how my addiction to relationship and sex has been a core theme in my life since my teens, trying to fill the emptiness inside me with someone else. This lonely, desperate place that craves, needs, hungers . . . it often keeps me from truly seeing another; sometimes, I can only focus on wanting them to want me, to need me, to be sexual with me, so trying to get something that I can't really be present with the person right in front of me. In that, I try and force, try and fix, try, try, try because I don't want to feel the emptiness, want to fill the hole inside, make me whole, make me ok, make me worthy, make me feel alive.

In this, I have hurt others. I have always been as honest as I could be, but I haven't been completely, because I haven't been truly honest with myself. I have selfishly given to others, in hopes of receiving their love, their desire, in getting them to want me. I have been sexual out of this addicted place, so focused on getting the "fix" that I miss the connection, the place where deeper intimacy is possible, and many times have found myself pouting, feeling resentful, or retreating, unable to be present with the underlying feelings. It has left me confused, angry, frustrated, and others the same way - what happened to the connection? And yet, that's what I most want, what my soul wants . . . the intimate, loving, authentic connection.

This addiction impacts my life, keeps me from focusing on other passions and pursuits, pulls me away from available intimacy with friends, and consumes my thoughts much more than I want it to. At times, I have become obsessed, lost in the fantasy, projecting, objectifying, putting someone in the "God" role and failing to see who they really are, only what they can do for me, or what I think they can do for me. It has kept me from my direct connection with God.

As I have finally told myself the truth, I feel a lot: shame, self-judgment, fear, anger . . . I am sad that I have hurt others, used others, been manipulative, indirect . . . I am sad that I have hurt myself, and wasted as much life energy as I have trying to fill this empty place, and missed out on real, authentic connection - with myself, with others, and with the Divine. I also feel compassion for myself - for my courage to face and admit the truth, for doing my best, and for my humanness. I no longer need to be perfect. I can make mistakes, learn from them, do what needs to be done to come into integrity.

And, I am grateful for the women throughout my life who have stayed in connection with me, who have forgiven me, who have been loving, compassionate, and understanding, and who I know are committed to staying in my life, regardless. I realize now that I have more to say to some of them, and I feel both fear and excitement at the possibility of having a deeper connection based on the truth.

And, I feel relief. Relief that I don't need or want to play this game any more, that I know the truth, that I can go directly to the source. I feel a new sense of freedom, lightness, and power.

I am taking time to be present, to feel this empty place, noticing the craving, and make different choices. I feel a lot of energy clearing, head swirling, discomfort. I feel my life changing, and some sense that my life up until now has been a lie. And, in part it has. This is the hard truth.

And now, something new can be born. I am ready to face and stand in all that I have avoided and run from. I am ready to be honest with myself. I am ready to be honest with others. I am ready to share real, authentic love. I am ready to start again.

Kundalini Awakening

2008-07-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

3 am
Body on fire

What is this energy
Blowing me open?

Dissolving numbness
I feel too much
Like an explosion inside each cell

I want it
I don't want it

Allow it to take me over
Out of control
To whatever lies beyond
That I've avoided all this time

Passion
Joy
Freedom
Ecstasy
Bliss

Unbridled vulnerability
No armor

With each breath I allow
With each breath I surrender
As the breath of God
Breathes life into this soul

I surrender
To this love

Conflict

2008-06-26T15:36:00.002-07:00

After several incidents this past week, I'm noticing how afraid I feel around conflict. My childhood pattern was to retreat up to my room. Now, I find other ways to "disappear," often in the form of going into my head or just checking out of my body completely.

I see how in relationships I so desperately want the "good stuff." The peace, harmony, joy, play, excitement, etc. After all those years of tension growing up, I have just wanted it to be over, to never have to go back to that place of discomfort, to have the love and intimacy that I craved all those years and never got.

What I'm seeing is how going into the "storm," be it the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, hurt, shame and exposing that to others is what will create the true intimacy, the true "good stuff" that I want so much. I will be with you in present time, experience my feelings, and deal with them differently. Show up. Express what I'm feeling. Be real and authentic, rather than wanting everything to be ok and settled and pretending, or "forcing," things to be all right.

This is my desire: to simply be with reality rather than how I would like reality to be. To embrace the moment. I call forth the courage in myself to do so, and I sense that the more I do this, the more the "good stuff" will come.

Embracing Wildness

2008-06-26T15:36:00.001-07:00

I feel the walls coming down, the restricted guard that keeps me safe, separate, contained.

Last night, I experienced myself in the holding, feeling tentative and uncertain, wanting to protect and take care of everyone. As the night went on, and as I stepped into the center, I felt the holding subside a bit more, energy rising in my body, being more real and authentic with what's inside me. I want to be real, to express myself clearly and directly, to rise above the numbing, over-thinking, rationalizing, caretaking mask that I've worn for too long. It doesn't serve either of us, and it keeps me separate and weak. I don't always realize that I'm wearing it. Thanks Felix, for calling me on my bullshit. That's what I want from you, and from everyone. I don't need your safe niceness. And, I'm tired of expressing that when it's not real, when there's shit brewing underneath.

Through last night and this morning, I experienced it dropping away, expressing the rage inside, the words that I've witheld to keep everyone safe. As I let go, releasing the control in my body, I felt myself come alive, free, unbound. I felt clear. I felt connected. I felt free.

This is my intention: to surrender to wildness. My wildness, the wild, messy, out-of-control unpredictable experience of being alive. To risk not-knowing, to stop playing it safe and go for it. I feel it happening, piece by piece, layer by layer. The mask is coming off. I am coming alive. Joing me, beloveds. Get messy with me. I can take it. I want it. And, rather than trying to protect and take care of you, I will trust that you can take care of yourself and let things get messy, or loving, or passionate, or crazy, or whatever happens when the hinges come off and the doors get blown open. It's time to let the bullshit go.

Essence

2008-06-22T22:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, there is nothing to write about
Nothing to speak
Nothing to say

It simply is
I simply am

Being

The constriction
The expansion
Means nothing

Just the simple joy
Of being alive
Is all that matters

Prison Break

2008-06-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am feeling free
The freedom of love's joy
Permeating the cells of my being

Yes, I am scared
Each step takes me to a new place
That I do not yet know
My mind thinks I'll be alone
But my soul knows better
Should I remember to listen

Let go
Surrender
No need to hold on
To anyone or anything

Feel the freedom
Of unbound, unattached love
It is here
Right here
Right now
For the feasting

No one can save me
For the Divine dwells close
And I only need
To let it out
And let it in

No need to contain
Restrain
Restrict
This pulsing heart
That yearns to love

I have tried though
Lord, have I tried
It is a fool's game
A booby prize
A false sense of security
In a world without bars

All along, I've been standing in the garden
Fruits laid out before me
Adam and Eve had it goin' on
They knew what to do

Get down, get naked
Take a bite
And let the juices flow

Alone in the Shadow

2008-05-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how to start this blog. Anakha and I were talking earlier: I had just read her blog, in which she exposed her deepest vulnerability in revealing her essential shadow. It was truly moving, beautifully heart-wrenching, and preciously innocent. She was telling me how her doubt in being so nakedly exposed, yet after reading it I felt even more love, respect, and admiration for her, with no judgment whatsoever. As we are both on this quest for love and wholeness, for seeking authentic truth and finding the courage to fully show up in this world and in these times, she invited me to do the same: to reveal my own shadow. As I wish to stand with her in coming forth, and as I wish to stand with all of you in the truth of who I am, I will speak about my own shadow. This is not the time to hide. It is time to stand in the truth: the truth of our pain and suffering. This is the only way it can be healed.

I have always felt alone in this world. Separate. Apart. Much of my childhood was spent alone, often in my room. Hiding from my father, from his rage, believing that I was the source, the reason for all his pain, that it was all my fault. I was the problem. There was something wrong with me. Trying to heal my mother, in her pain and neediness, but never being able to give her enough: enough for her to want me, to love me. Being good, being nice and sweet, suppressing my own needs, my own anger, because otherwise she'd leave. There was no room for me, no space to be myself. I became really good at containing myself: trying to do everything right and perfect, controlling my behavior, being careful and cautious, because otherwise I'd be punished. Trying to please, trying to give, thinking that if I gave enough that one day I would get back the love that I so desperately wanted. My worth is in what I offer to others, not who I am.

Part of me, a deep part, still feels alone. I feel afraid to show up fully because you might want or need something from me: my desire, my attention, my energy. I can't say no, because I'll lose you, hurt you, or both. So I stay back, detached, aloof. Instead I give, because I want to be worthy. I want you to love me back, to hold me, but even if you do, I can't let it in. Too much. You might want something, take advantage of me, use me. I feel angry at you because I expect you to take care of me, even though I won't let you, because I sometimes don't know how to take care of myself.

There is nowhere to move. No space, except here in this empty place. No room for love to come in. No room to let it out. Boiling rage, because I don't get what I need, truly need, because it's all about what you need. Sometimes I don't even know what I need, and, if I do, I feel to ashamed or afraid to ask for it. It is a tight space, my body constricted, my anger is bad, no one cares anyway about what I feel, no one wants to hear it, they only want to share their own and have me be there for them, so I've learned not to say much, not to give too much away, not to show too much emotion. Anger, sadness, grief, lonliness, wanting to be held and seen, afraid to be held and seen, vicious circle, stuck, stuck, trapped.

Time to kick the door open, stand up in myself, in my power, and hold myself up. Hold myself in my yes and in my no. Even as I take up more space, I feel this heavy weight trying to pull me back, restrain me, keep me safe. Don't be seen, or I'll be attacked and abandoned. Don't have needs. I'm not worthy of what I truly desire, always a struggle, always something to work through.

I am learning to receive, receive the grace that is present. I am learning to be, relinquish the role of healer and caretaker, say fuck you when I need to, speak up, speak out, take up some space. I attempt to avoid being alone when I'm already alone, crying out, yearning for real intimacy and connection. I am not always confident. I am not always strong. I often don't know what to do or what I want and need.

I have been asking God for help, for support, for this love and connection and intimacy that my heart has always sought. With each step, with each relationship, I do feel it coming. Learning to receive. Taking care of myself. People are showing up. People are still standing with me: Anakha, Chris, Gene, Nicole, Dan, Cheri, Johnathan, Karen, Omi. Many others. I am ready to let you in, and to let myself out. It is happening.

Aching Hunger

2008-05-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

Deep within me, there is a hunger. A hunger for love, intimacy, connection, belonging, union. I believe that we are all born with this hunger, and that the soul's journey in this lifetime is to find that nourishment, find that way home, fusing this call of the soul to return to wholeness in this body: Heaven and Earth united; desire embodied; sacred union within the self.

My body is alive, pulsing, tingling, breaking open from this hunger. Cells are alive, dancing, screaming out and saying yes: yes to the longing, yes to the desire, yes to ripping off the garments that cover this nakedness and ravishing it, making fervent, passionate love, an erotic feast of the moment, wanting it so badly, peeling back the skin, the flesh, sucking on the heart of the divine oneness until it explodes in orgasmic waves, where flesh and spirit are indiscernible, intertwined, wrapped in a sweaty, breathless embrace.

And, yet, there is also the simple longing, that hollow space within that yearns to be filled, to be met. It grieves for that union, begs for that union, cries out in feverish, desperate gulps and gasps, wanting, wanting, wanting, so alone in its seeking that sometimes it forgets to look back in on itself and realize that it is already whole. That the separation from the desire is an illusion, a trick of the mind. Drop in and feel, feel that hole and dive through it, find the whole by going through that hole. It is that discomfort of going through, that not knowing of what lies on the other side, the illusion and belief that there is nothing there, only more darkness, that sometimes holds me back, holds us back. Our heart's desire is only a breath away, a jump away, a willingness to sit in that discomfort, that unknown, that mid-flight leap of faith where one doesn't know if there will be anything to land on.

I wrote awhile back that addiction creates the illusion that the love received from the wound is somehow more fulfilling than that received from wholeness. It is the willingness to jump through this illusion, without knowing what lies beyond, that leads the way out, the way back in that sacred union.

Such is the dance: having faith in this hunger, following this ache, this yearning, and simultaneously diving into it, becoming it, embracing it. I feel this ache within, feel this pulse within; they both exist, emptiness and aliveness, and it is feasting on both, making love to both, embracing both that creates this sacred union. I keep reminding myself, that it's not out there, it's in here, inside me, in this body. It is so easy to think it's out there, in someone else, in something else: woman, money, cause, purpose, sex, parent, so easy to think, to think, to think, rather than to simply feel, feel, feel what is right here, right now.

Feast on this body, devour it, lick it clean: the sorrow, the joy, the passion, the anger, this banquet that our souls are calling us to gorge upon. The only way out is through, and the divine awaits on the other side.

Speaking Out of the Soul

2008-05-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Over the past nine months or so, I've been called to stand up fully in myself: in my power, in my truth, in my authenticity, in my vulnerability, in bringing my gifts forth. I've asked for it: I look around and see things that appall me, frighten me, piss me off: apathy, numbness, violence, lies, manipulation. I see them in myself as well: the ways I hide, ways I intellectualize, judge, blame, attempt to control. Yet, I know that there is something beyond this, a way of living and being that we are capable of, full of love and compassion, generosity, fierceness of spirit, passion, joy, creativity.

Ok, fuck that . . . I feel a rising in my soul, a heat in my body, a fire in my heart, that demands, calls for, cries out for a showing up: a showing up in me, a showing up in you, a willingness to speak up for what is real, what is whole, what is vital for us as humans. Not in a fearful, "we're all gonna die" way, but in a "wake the fuck up" kind of way, a way that knows what is possible, that all we need to do is reach out and grab it, follow this heart's desire and take a stand. I'm tired of running and hiding, of doing the safe things, and when I look around and see $4 for a gallon of gas when I know there's no shortage, when my friend in prison is being medicated rather than educated and rehabilitated, when people I love are choosing sex, drugs, and alcohol over bringing forth the amazing gifts that they have offer, it fucking pisses me off. I'm tired of being silent, of choosing the little battles instead of the ones that matter, of pretending that it doesn't matter when it really does. It matters to me when you hurt yourself, because I love you, because I see you, because I need what you have to offer underneath all your shame and self-pity. I can't do this alone, we can't do this alone, and I don't want to give up like I have in the past, thinking that it's all hopeless, that no one cares.

Well, I care. It matters to me. Do what you want, choose what you want, but I refuse to hide my desire, my yearning, my knowing. I will speak out, and I want you to speak out, because you see it just as much as I do. It's not about who I vote for, or if I build a house out of straw, eat edamame or ride a bike. It's about having the courage to confront myself, to face my shadow and dance with it, to embrace my light and dance with it, and to free myself. I say these things not out of judgment, but of desire, of love, of passion, of innocence, original innocence, of a knowing of who I am beneath all the bullshit, of a seeing of who we are beneath the lies we tell ourselves. Light this fire, raise this fire, fan this fire into an inferno of relentless passion that will incinerate, fortify, and temper all that is not pure, all that doesn't serve, all that stands in the way between us and that field that Rumi speaks of, between us and Eden. This is not a path for the faint of heart, but we are not faint of heart, not really. As I feel this pulsing in my body as I write, as I speak the words that I have held inside, as the desire rises within me, my heart is opening, expanding, and as it does, my breath begins to tighten, to clamp down, to protect and restrain because what might happen if I let go, if I give myself over to the divine, to this deeper knowing? What will I lose, what else might I suffer? It is time to stop asking these questions and do it anyway, to take that breath, to speak those words, and as I do, things heat up a little more, the tears that were held back begin to flow, this damped down love, this suppressed anger that fuels passion gets a little bigger, and says no. No more games. No more hiding. I refuse to let myself play small, I refuse to withhold all that I have to offer you, I refuse to let you hurt yourself, and I'm pissed at how I want your approval, at how I want you to like me, and needing to be good and nice and sweet when I truth I want to shake you and I want you to shake me, to go into that darkness together because I've been doing it alone for so long, and I'm tired, so tired, so frustrated of letting this beauty go ungiven and I'm tired of letting you get away with your smallness because I'm scared of how you'll react.

A client came to me recently and bared himself to me, revealed his truth and vulnerability, and when I told him how much I appreciated his willingness to dive right in, he said that he didn't know if he'd get another ride after this lifetime, so why not fully take and use this one? There is no waiting until we're ready, there is no maybe, and it's time to dive right it, to take that stand, to say yes, because otherwise what the fuck am I doing here? Otherwise, I'm just wasting both of our time, both of our lives, and I'm selling us all out.

As I feel into my body, I feel my heart soft yet burning, feeling all the hope and excitement and pain and breathing it in, breathing it all in, surrendering to love's deepest call, to my soul's deepest call, fully knowing what is possible, fully feeling the magnitude of life, of being alive, of what a gift it is to be here and have this chance to experience the ecstasy of being in this body on this planet. I offer you this vision, and as I rise, as I awaken, as I stand in the truth of who I am, and I feel this truth in my bones, blood, and skin, I feel God's promise being delivered with each step, with each breath. Come with me, dive in with me, step through this illusion, there is so much love beyond the curtain, beyond the veil of lies. If we stand in this darkness together, if we stand in this discomfort together, if we speak the truth together, the truth of who we are, the truth of what we desire, we can burn it all way, light up this dark night, and create and birth this love. I will stand with you, at your side, at your back, holding you, loving you through this dark night. This I promise. I am here to stay, I will not give up. Say yes, say no, say whatever you need to say, but I am saying yes. Breathe with me. We will learn together, discover together, and create together, play together, love together. There is no need to hide any longer, to run any longer. Say yes. See what happens. The divine is waiting. The soul is waiting. I am waiting, diving, surrendering, burning, all the way down.

Heeding the Call

2008-05-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

Sexuality. Spirituality. Intimacy. Three areas that are often separated, divided, compartmentalized, and denied in our culture, yet are inherently fused: One presence. One source. One energy. A place where few choose to visit, inhabit, and embody.

Picking up the thread to one automatically takes one into the labyrinth of the sacred erotic, the realm where fucking open to God or being fucked by God are one and the same; both require intimacy, a full surrender and baring of one's soul to being swept and taken away, dissolved into the oneness where there is no separation, only total union.

Each is a mirror and a gateway. As I choose to explore and embrace my sexuality, I begin to see how it is simply a reflection of how intimate I'm willing to be. The places where I feel resistant or closed in sex often mirror ways where I'm closed to intimacy (sexual impotence is rarely only limited to sex). In my spirituality, I notice where sexuality is taking me deeper into union, and where it serves as a distraction. I feel it in my body. How present I am with it shows me how intimate I'm truly willing to be. On my spiritual path, I notice where I am alive, body erect, soul orgasming as a sign of my divine connection, and where I am flaccid, frigid, tight. And so on, one unfolding into the other, no separation.

It is through exploring these threads, in breathing, feeling, making love to them, moment to moment, that my passion and purpose live. I am aware of the ways in which I've held this back, afraid to fully hear and step into my soul's calling.

Yet, after working with a client this evening, this fear is not present; instead, tonight, the call is coming alive: I am reminded of who I am and why I'm here: to awaken, activate, celebrate, and play in this divine fusion of the mystical, the erotic, and the intimate. To presence these energies in the body. To heal the split between the masculine and the feminine. To reclaim sex as sacred, as a path to God, and move beyond the shame, suppression, and all the other bullshit overlaid on the very act that brought us into this world. To serve and honor the Goddess, and to reclaim the God. This is vital work, and there is so much to be done.

It is time.

I am ready.

Yes.

Experiencing Joy

2008-05-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

As I connect to essence, there is a bubbling joy inside me. A place of lightness, ease, relaxation, happiness, and presence, where nothing is too serious or heavy.

This place is strong; it can roll with the punches, find the openings in the universal cracks to greater expansiveness, love fiercely, fuck, dance, play, hone in like a missile of truth and cut through the bullshit, inspire, create, hold, witness, lead, direct, laugh, protect, and serve.

This is the place I have most denied myself. I was not taught that it is who I am. Instead, I was taught that I was selfish, wrong, bad, unworthy, spoiled, ungrateful, weak, needy. And so, it's who I believed I was. I couldn't see otherwise. I was mistaken.

Tonight I get to taste and savor and dwell in the truth of who I am, the real me, my authentic self. It is quite rich and alive. I feel fed and nourished by it, a lifespring inside my soul, a place to drink from in each moment, an endless bounty of unconditional love. It is always available.

From this place, I claim my power and strength, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my passion, my desire, and my love. I claim my gifts. I claim my aliveness. I claim my laughter. I claim my knowing of who I am.

I am grateful.

I am in love.

Core

2008-05-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have continued to be a time of little doing, little distraction, and frequently being still. As I continue this practice of presence, of sitting, embracing, noticing, feeling, connecting with the body, the emotions, the divine, the flesh, I begin to connect more deeply to my core.

I am connecting with new parts of my body that I haven't connected with before. I hadn't realized that when I've scanned through my body in the past, I hadn't been able to feel the area from my solar plexus to genitals. It was like a blank, empty space.

As I've taken the time to be fully present with my body, I've begun to put more awareness on that area. The first time that I connected with my genitals through awareness, a wave of energy shot up through my core. I realized that I've never just felt into that area, and it was like something awakened. As I've felt the space in my pelvis, my belly, my abdominals, I experience new sensations and emotions. Fear; power; anger; vitality; pleasure; tingling, numbness.

The more I keep my awareness here, the more I begin to feel my core. It is like a rod running from my pelvis up through my center, carrying a current of energy. It feels strong and solid. It is like parts of me are being "filled in."

With this developing awareness comes new experiences: sometimes painful, sometimes scary, sometimes ecstatic. I experience both what was suppressed and cut off as well as the integration in the healing. Disconnected parts are becoming connected, weaving together. Much of the time, as these parts come up for to be healed, it is quite uncomfortable.

This aspect of embodiment is vital: active awareness, inclusion, and integration of the whole body. As I continue the practice, amidst the discomfort, I experience a deeper sense of self. The I AM. I feel it, growing stronger as I stay present, my body becoming whole, my self becoming whole, my soul becoming whole. Less need, more fullness. Greater security. Increasing power. Pleasure and pain dancing together to birth a new self, new inspiration, connection to source, tapping into truth and essence.

Yet, no need to hurry or move beyond. Allowing what is. No judgment. No need to "feel good." There is only this moment, the perfection of the moment, the perfection of the body.

And so it is.

Inspired Chaos

2008-05-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Walking down the street, warm air, soft breeze against my skin. I feel my feet move up and down against the sidewalk, rolling arches, toes flexing. Pelvis swaying, feeling my hips move back and forth with each step, arms gliding, tingling in my hands and fingers. Body relaxed, yet alive. I am connected to it, with it, in it. I feel the energy moving through me as I take this evening excursion. Destination: New Seasons Market, ~26 blocks away, for a bag of Robert's Gourmet Chaos.

The past couple of days have been interesting. Some depression, some hopelessness, some fear, some sexual energy, some contentment. I haven't particularly felt motivated to do anything, and I've noticed the self-judgment and criticism around this.

In our culture, there's little space and time to follow inspiration and desire in the moment. Stuck in schedules, appointments, and plans, needing to have something to do, many of our days are mapped out. This is in contrast to the rhythms of nature, where everything happens in its own time. The flower doesn't schedule when it will blossom; the sun doesn't make an appointment to rise or set. Forces and energies converge and conspire, and bam! Voila . . .

In the midst of this lack of inspiration, with very little scheduled, I've decided to simply toss the "shoulds" and "doings" and be present. Fuck forcing myself and reacting to my fears. As such, much of today was spent laying in the couch, being aware of my body, sensations, thoughts, and emotions. No reacting, no forcing, no distractions: just being present.

At times, I felt fear. Others, anxiety. Sometimes relaxation, sometimes tension, sometimes frustration. Frequently, an energetic buzzing where it seems like every cell in my body is up to something. I decide to go beyond simply noticing, as I did for many years doing Vipassana meditation, and actually engaging with the sensations and emotions. Embracing them. Breathing into them. Coming into relationship with them. Soon, they didn't become an obstacle, but rather a gateway into deeper presence. The more I accepted and allowed, the sooner they passed. No action required. I am reminded of a song lyric: "Fear is only what you feel." That's it; nothing more.

The one thing I did decide to follow was inspiration. While it didn't come that frequently, when it did show up, I felt truly fulfilled and nourished when I followed the genuine desire. When my spontaneous desire for a walk and some Chaos arose, I felt a deep sense of peace and relaxed, grounded presence as I embarked on my evening mission. Taking my awareness into my walk, I felt connected, alive, and free. All my actions today from this place truly fed me. Rather than coming from a place of fear and judgment, it felt like listening to my soul's calling, even if the actions seemed more mundane.

I believe this is our call; to return to this natural order, to listen to the voice of the soul, and to take inspired action. This is where authentic desire lies. I invite you to listen, and see where it takes you.

Becoming connected

2008-05-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't know what the fuck is going on inside me. All kinds of sensations, feelings, senses, intuitions that somehow defy words, or at least that I'm not able to connect with words.

I feel this gap inside me: what I'm intending to express or communicate, and what actually is being expressed and communicated.

Sometimes I feel like I leave my body entirely, and there's not much happening there to express at all.

Other times, probably more than I admit or notice in myself, I really do know what's happening, and I'm just to scared to express it. So, it churns inside me, building up to a point way out of proportion, lost inside the disillusioned fantasy scenarios that I've conjured up and overlayed over reality.

I feel frustrated. More than anything, I want you to know what's real for me: what I'm feeling, what I'm needing, what I'm desiring. I want to be clear with my yes's and my no's. But I've been holding it back, and I suffer. I feel disconnected from myself, and from you. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes depressed. Sometimes stewing. Sometimes sad. Sometimes hopeless. Sometimes flat.

I'm sick of holding it all back: my anger, my desire, my passion, my craziness, my wild, out-of-control unbridled fuck-it-all abandon. And so, I intend to let it go. I'm ready for this step. My life depends on it. I want to show up, all the way.

I'm asking for your help. Point it out. Name it. Scream at me. Tackle me. Dive in with me, down to the raw, honest, vulnerable truth, where we can truly, authentically connect. I want that. For me. For you. For all of us. Let's do it.

The Power of Presence

2008-05-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Deep breath, ground. Feet on the floor, feeling into the earth, growing roots down to the center of the earth.

Full breaths, filling pelvis, belly, chest, and shoulders. Slowly inhaling, breathing in abundance, nourishment, and life force. Effortless exhale, surrender, release.

Eyes focused yet relaxed, steady gaze. Knees loose, body straight, firm yet loose. Soft belly, strong spine.

Awareness of pelvis, hips, genitals, free-flowing energy, sinking into the seat. Feeling the body, feeling the breath, simply noticing, relating, feeling. Connection to needs and desires, moment to moment.

Slow, sure movement. Direct, clear, fluid. Open body. Open mind. Open heart. Feeling self, feeling other. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Simply being.

Trust in the divine. Faith in all things. Relaxing into the arms of god. Knowing that all is well, embracing the perfection of the moment. Free of judgment, only pure awareness, clear direction arising from source and followed.

Love. Bliss. Acceptance. Surrender. Arousal. Embrace. Stillness. Strength. Wholeness. Totality. Abundance. Freedom. Presence.

I am whole.
I am present.
I am powerful.

And so it is.

Still Integration of the Soul

2008-04-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

Integration
Coming together
Still place where everything slows down

In this place, I hear my soul, speaking to me
Quiet yet certain
Soft but clear

There is no need for other
Only an awareness
And a knowing
That it lives inside me
That the divine is alive and well
And true desire
Can be met
By true desire
Free of false illusion
And tainted perception

The birth of wholeness
Invites wholeness
Whole freedom
Whole joy
Whole intimacy
Whole fulfillment
As the soul, the desire, and the divine
Are reunited
In flesh

Transforming Fear, Embodying Aliveness

2008-04-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, I had the honor of facilitating an experiential evening for men on the subject of liberating sexuality and spirituality. Seventeen men attended; men of different ages, races, and sexual orientations, all interested in becoming more free, alive, and empowered.

In our culture, we often hear of men being emotionally guarded and distant, wearing the "look strong and in control" mask, and competing for status and power, among plenty of other strategies and stereotypes. However, this evening, the men who attended decided to step out of the game and show up authentically, vulnerably, and powerfully. Men shared their fears, their shame, their desires, their stories, and their doubts. They revealed intimate details around their sexuality and spirituality in a real and courageous way. I left that night feeling a deep sense of hope and possibility, tasting a glimpse of the kind of world that we can create when we choose to embrace our humanness, reveal ourselves, and take action towards who and how we want to be.

One part of the evening focused on how we make the essential shift from fear to fullness, from our doubts, insecurities, denial, and shame to power, play, passion, aliveness, and desire. I believe that we make that shift through embodied practice and integration, as opposed to through theories, philosophies, and mental concepts. Rather than talk about what to do and how to it, or emphasizing techniques, it is vital to have the energy, movement, and essence presenced in the emotional, physical, and spiritual. We're not simply thinking ourselves to a new way of being; we're being ourselves to a new way of being.

We can do this in different ways: through breath, sound, movement, energy, touch, sensory engagement, invocation, prayer, and physical practice. Using these forms, we invoke the outcome in the present moment. We use the breath to open and free the body. We use movement to shift habits and stuck energy. We use sound to express and call in our desire. We use energy to give us more vitality and power.

As we do these practices, we shift and transform. Sometimes we come up against the kinks that have stood in our way, and the process feels difficult. Sometimes we experience greater ecstasy and aliveness.

Witnessing the men doing some of these practices, the energy shift in the room was palpable. The air became thicker and electrified, emotions became stronger, the men became more present and connected. In a short time, the room became more alive, and the transformation began. Always, in the long run, we free ourselves, become more open and alive, and connected to source and essence.

To write or not to write . . .

2008-04-07T00:19:00.001-07:00

Well, I suppose the fact that there are words here answers that question, but I've felt somewhat ambivalent about putting some words down tonight. Lately, I've been content to simply be in the experience of the now, rather than needing to write or even talk about it. In this space, there isn't all that much to say, and it feels good to be more in the silence. However, something in my being appears to be wanting to be expressed, so here goes . . .

I suppose what's been on my mind lately is my connection to nature. Most people in my life now don't know this, but my bachelor's degree is actually in Natural History from an Indigenous Perspective. Translated, that means that I studied nature from the perspective of someone who was living off the land 500+ years ago, as opposed to a scientist sitting in a lab looking at a plant under a microscope. My studies included things like ethnobotany (including edible and medicinal plants), animal tracking, understanding and interpreting bird language, basic survival skills such as starting fires with sticks and making shelters from scratch, predicting weather, and so on. It involved a direct relationship with nature, one that required opening and using the senses, slowing down, listening, and communing. Rather than simply being an observer, I wanted to relate with the natural world. This path was an essential part of my life and my spirituality, and yet it somehow became diminished over time.

As my connection now to sexuality, spirituality, and eroticism is expanding and deepening, and as I continue to work with men, I am reminded of and drawn to re-establish that connection and relationship. The natural world is so inherently sensual and erotic, and in it I find it impossible to deny the existence of God. Whether it's in a plant or flower, the sun, water, or a bird, there is so much beauty and mystery to witness and behold. It is so much a part of us as humans, and yet most of us have lost and forgotten this essential connection.

Nature has so much to teach us: slowing down, and moving at a more easy, intuitive pace; using the senses and being sensual; listening to and following the organic order of things; being in stillness and silence; being free of judgment; paying attention; relationship,interconnectedness, and interdependence; gratitude; respect; patience; presence; connection to life and aliveness; and so much more . . .

As I've been taking more time lately to get outside and walk in the woods, I find myself becoming more human. I feel God most strongly in nature - in the air, in the smells, in the trees, in the sound of the birds. With each step, I find myself slowing down. My mind begins to relax. My senses awaken. My body opens. My intuition and inner voice becomes easier to hear. I remember who I am, and where I've come from.

If we are on any kind of spiritual path, it is important to include the natural world as part of our practice. It is the root, the foundation of our existence. It is where we meet life at its most raw, simple, essential, and vulnerable. It is where all seekers have gone for answers and inspiration. It is where we can remember who we are; free of the distractions of society and artificial culture, we are faced with ourselves and the divine. Try living solely off the land for even a couple of days and you'll get a real sense of what life is about, what is essential; there is no greater teacher.

Tonight, I give thanks for the natural world; for the fibers used to produce my clothes, for the food I've eaten today, for the wood from the trees that give me shelter, for the flowers and birds that inspire me, and so much more. I am grateful for this relationship and connection, and excited to reintegrate it into my life.

Simply Being

2008-03-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

Bittersweet . . . stillness . . . sadness . . . peace . . . contentment . . . joy . . . relaxing into the now, the present, the presence, a soft landing, a gentle glide on the calm surface of the lake. No distractions, no hiding, no running. Fear is present, but it just simply is; it doesn't really mean anything. There is a grace in it's presence.

I was listening to a recording by writer Natalie Goldberg last night. She was talking about how one never overcomes anything; one simply befriends it. I feel that way now; befriending all that is in each moment, allowing it to be. Somehow, it comforts each thought, each sensation, each emotion, caressing it, seeing it, feeling it.

Underneath, I feel a well of power, of strength, of clarity. That deep connection to essence, to spirit, to source, to self, to creation. It is like a deep surrender into a bed of outstretched arms, catching me as I fall backwards. No control, no forcing, no effort.

In the past, I had this idea that being powerful meant doing something, taking action, being strong. I'm discovering now that, at least for myself, it comes through surrendering, letting go, and being present.

I feel grateful tonight. For myself, for my life, for my friends, community, home, work, family, body, health, spirit, mind. Something new is arising. A new way of being. A new way of relating. A new way of living. A new way of loving.

I am grateful.

Healing the Masculine

2008-03-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

As I sit down tonight to write, I am very aware of what means to be a man in today's world. How few role models there are, and how few there have been. Of the disowned, disembodied power, of the disconnect from the emotional body, of the limited relational and intimacy skills, of the shame, suppression, and often misdirected sexual energy. I see and have seen these aspects of myself, and in probably every man I've ever met. I have seen many men struggle with addiction, with a sense of powerlessness, with relationship, with homophobia, with right livelihood, with identity, and with purpose.

I have been struggling lately around my own purpose and coming from my authentic depth, and I realized tonight how terrified I am of fully stepping into my full power and potential. One on hand, I recognize what I am here to do, and sense the wholeness of who I'm becoming and destined to become. On the other, I just want to run and hide. Abort the mission. Go deliver pizza, have light, casual relationships, watch TV, and play video games.

Yet, I have been choosing to keep stepping into my purpose and power. It has been a long road, and I have taken many steps thus far. Now, it's time to jump, to take the leap of faith, to divine in as far as I can.

In the face of this choice, I feel angry. Angry at God, angry at myself, angry at all the people and situations that I've had to overcome. The questions comes up, "Why me? Why the fuck do I have to do this?" Sure, I have a choice, but I don't really. When truth comes knocking, when spirit calls, I know that I need to answer, that true satisfaction and happiness comes from listening to and living that deep knowing of who I am and why I'm here.

In the face of my fear, in the face of my anger and resentment, I will continue to choose this love. I am passionate about serving men. I am passionate about our awakening, transformation, and embodiment of essence. I am passionate about creating and embodying a healthy, whole, integrated masculine. I am passionate about healing the disconnection between the masculine and the feminine. I am passionate about being alive, awake, present, ecstatic. I am passionate about honoring and aligning our sexuality and spirituality, of unifying heaven and earth, and of the embodiment of God. It's time to bring it all forth, and so it shall be.

Amen.

Nothing To Do

2008-03-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

In the place of surrender, there is nothing to do. Nothing that is supposed to happen, nowhere to be, no one in particular to engage in this nothingness with.

Rather, it is a place of presence, of beingness, of ease, grace, and flow. From this place of nothing, anything can arise. As I relax into this place, as I release all control and effort, things begin to emerge: desire, willingness, inspired action. The spirit of God begins to work through me, awakening my body, arousing my passions, bringing forth my soul's purpose and calling. I move without walking, speak without needing to utter a sound, work without working.

I didn't set out to accomplish anything today, didn't have any external goals, wasn't trying to achieve anything, and yet things happened. A workshop was brought into form, a healing and awakening occurred, ideas were birthed, text written, connections made, intimacy transpired, tasks completed, food cooked. Yet, I feel like I didn't really do anything to make any of it happen. It just did. I feel both alive and relaxed, almost surreal. How did all these things happen? Did I just dream it all up? And yet, the proof surrounds me that it was all real. All I did was let go.

This place is about allowing, about doing the backstroke amidst the river of life, about being moved rather than moving. It is about saying, "Take me, use me, play me. I am yours, divine will. I surrender." While I do feel some sadness tonight, I also feel full and connected, like I've made contact with a part of myself that I've been missing for a while. Perhaps this sadness is really a grieving of this separation.

Whatever the reason, I am choosing to continue to do nothing, instead allowing myself to be done, to be undone, to give it all up and over to the whim of source and to my soul. Take me.

Finding God

2008-03-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

God
I woke up this morning and realized
That yours is the face I've been looking for

All this time
All this searching
And you were right here
All along

I thought I'd find it in the face of other
In place
In purpose
In meaning

I kept looking
Without seeing
Hearing
Without listening
Doing
Without feeling

While all this time
You were waiting
Waiting patiently
To enter my heart

It takes no effort
But simply to ask
Just ask
And you are here
Inside me

As my heart spills open
I feel you pouring in
Blissful fullness
Needing nothing
Embracing everything
In love
With life
In love
With you
In love
With me

In love
As love
With love

I love you
I love myself
I love myself
I love you

Amen

Prayer

2008-02-29T14:27:00.000-08:00

God
Show me the way

I stand before you naked
Afraid
Longing
Filled with blocked desire
Lukewarm love
Guarded heart
Rigid mind

Open my heart, God
All the way open
No protection
No control
Full surrender
To your will
To my desire
To love

Infuse me with desire
So that it will never wash out
Or fade away
Drench me with it
Pour it on
So that I may never forget
Who I am
Why I am here

Show me the way
I will follow your lead
I ask for your help
For your direction
Make me your instrument
And I will sing

Open my heart to receive
All I have asked for
Open my soul
To receive my truth
And give me the courage
To follow it

I am yours, God
I will fight no longer
I don't know the way
I don't know how to do this
And I'm tired of trying
To figure it out
To force it
To control it
I don't know

Tell me the way
I am listening

Bring me home
To the joy that once flowed through me
To the passion
To the aliveness
To the bliss
To the ease
To the love
To the desire
Unobstructed
Unrestrained
With wild abandon

I have been asking
But not receiving
I have been forcing
But not allowing
Thinking that it is up to me to make it manifest
And now
I surrender it all to you
Help me say yes
To why I came
Help me say yes
To what you have promised
Help me say yes
To what I have promised
Uninhibited desire
Fierce, fearless love
Open heart
Relaxed mind

I am ready
Take me
Take me open

I am yours
I am awake
I am present
I am listening
I am ready
I am

Amen

Embodied Presence

2008-02-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

There are many levels and faces of presence. Many people equate presence with "being here now," "being in the moment," and "showing up," among many other definitions.

One form of presence is about noticing what's true in the moment and being with it. Being aware of the body, of the breath, of emotions, of environment. Within that field, there are many degrees of presence. Noticing and awareness is one. Expressing or communicating what is noticed is another. Focusing on the moment is a third. And countless others . . .

I have practiced this form for many years. I am often aware of what I'm sensing/noticing, and can communicate it (save sometimes for certain intense moments when I freeze up). I am often able to be with what is happening and accept the truth of my experience in the moment. I can sit and meditate and find the stillness of the moment.

However, in this form, I find there is a disconnect; while I can notice and express, there is a way that it is limited to a mental experience. I can talk the talk, say the right words, tell the stories, but I am not necessarily felt, either by myself or another. My presence is seen, but not embodied.

Embodied presence is more than words; it is energy. It is the difference between saying that I'm angry and showing that I am angry. It is the difference between saying that I'm sad and crying. It is the difference between saying that I'm happy with a blank face and smiling broadly. One can feel the emotional state. Often, words aren't even needed.

This is the form I am practicing. It takes us beyond our minds and into our bodies. It brings forth clarity and directness. It is an extremely honest way of communicating (something like 70+% of all communication is non-verbal). When both the awareness and the embodiment are combined, we heal the disconnect between the masculine and the feminine. We become integrated. We can make clearer, healthier choices and take full responsibility for our actions. Otherwise, we end up acting out via the parts/emotions that we can't feel.

I had this experience today in a counseling session, moving back and forth between expressing rage (through hitting a pillow with a raquet) and terror (bowing my body backwards and wailing). The more I felt and expressed the emotion (rather than just notice it), the more connected to it I became. Energy began streaming through my body, and it became even more alive. The embodiment, the expression, brought the awareness to life. By the time I left, I was fully present. I was there, all of me. Presence showed through my body, not just my eyes and face. I felt myself and my aliveness, and I was felt by other.

This is the call of our spiritual evolution: to show up not just in awareness, but in body and being. To get beyond the mind and into the body. Through exercise. Through connecting with and expressing emotion. Through bodywork. Through allowing the abundant energy that surrounds us to flow through. Through fusing the spiritual, mental, and emotional bodies. Through breath. Through intention to show and express what's true in each moment. This is how we create true healing, integrate the disconnected aspects of our selves (and our world), and become fully alive. I invite you to join me.

I Am

2008-02-21T18:17:00.000-08:00

In the past, I've disowned my power. Angry at others for not giving me when I want (while I've been passive, passive-aggressive, indirect, wishy-washy, and sulky about expressing myself), I've experienced a state of powerlessness, of victimization, of frustration, and rage.

I've developed strategies for rationalizing away my desires, my wants, my needs, and my self-expression. Staying stuck in my mind, trying to figure and sort out what's "appropriate," being careful and cautious, controlling my experience so as to also control others', I've played small, waiting for someone else to give me the power and permission to be myself, take care of me, and give me what I desire.

I see now that I need to claim what I want, stand in my truth, and go for it, following my inner and divine direction, asking for what I want and need, and being willing to deal with the consequences: rejection, hearing "no," upsetting someone else, having someone leave or not like me, and so on. A bunch of bullshit, basically.

Well, fuck that. This is what I want, and this is who I am:

I am passionate, powerful, clear, direct, honest, and authentic.

I speak my truth, without controlling or minimizing my words and expression. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know what I want, and I do it and/or ask for it.

I am alive, free, happy, joyous, and creative.

I take a stand for what I believe in.

I support and encourage others to be honest, authentic, powerful, and passionate. I say what I see and notice in them.

I say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no.

I create exciting, passionate, fun, creative, dynamic relationships.

I generate and allow my own life force to flow fully in my body and in my being.

I make clear choices in alignment with my vision, divine guidance, and desire.

I am connected to my truth and knowing.

I am present in my body and being.

I am open, vulnerable, compassionate, attuned, sensitive, and strong.

I create and manifest my deepest desires. I trust that each moment is perfect. I choose how I act in each moment, and how I respond to what's happening in each moment.

I am awake, alert, erotic.

I am the creator of my experience.

I am connected to my divinity.

I am alive.

I am.

Falling Free

2008-02-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

Mind numb, tension, tightness, constriction. Wanting to hold on to something, to some sense of control, tightening down, getting a grip, anything to not lose control, to spin completely out of control. Danger, danger, what might be unleashed? What monster might be uncaged, roaring free?

Roaring free in rage, in bliss, in wildabandonpassionoutofcontroldesire, uninhibited, fearless devotion to serve, to hear and follow love's call, God's call. To say what needs to be said, the "I love you's," the "fuck you's," the truth that I fear is so ugly, the truth that makes me vulnerable, left open, naked, unguarded, able to be hurt by another, unprotected. If I speak up you might leave, if I don't speak up I leave both of us, and I just want to run away, far away and hide.

Some of the people who I've most loved and admired spoke the truth, even when it wasn't pretty, even when no one liked them, or at least seemed to. The ones who were the most crude, obnoxious, antisocial, raw. I hated them at first, felt triggered out of my mind. And then, somehow, I loved them. Admired them. Respected them for their aliveness, authenticity, passion. They even turned out to be the most loving and giving people, more so than most any "polite" spiritual seeker or teacher that I've met.

Now, it is time to love myself in the same way. To give myself permission to be exactly as I am, from a place of total love and acceptance. To be an asshole, to be a lover, to be raw, to be out of control, messy, wrong, inspired, uninhibited, devoted, passionate, crazy, wild, playful, committed (hopefully not in the literal sense ;) Not in a contrived way, or an identified way, but in a moment-to-moment authentic way.

My love and desire is stronger than my fear.

I am choosing this.

Fuck it.

Time to live.

Becoming

2008-02-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

Beloved, I miss you
Your hands on my skin
The warmth of your body pressed against mine
The taste of your lips

I miss your merciless adoration
Kinds words spoken against soft pillows as the hours grow late
Adventurous play without inhibition
Passionate desire
Radiant fire
Beside me
Inside me
Inside you

In this internal sacred marriage that is becoming embodied
I am loving myself, so that I may receive the full force of your love
Praising myself, so that I do not require it from you
Caring for myself, so that you can care for yourself
Respecting myself, so that you can respect me

I am learning to say no
So that you may say yes
Trusting myself
So that you may trust me
Seeing myself
So that I may see you
Finding my strength
So that I do not fear nor demand yours

I am preparing this temple, Beloved
Temple of David
So that you may come home
Return to my arms
To my eyes
To my heart
Offer our gifts
Make love as God and Goddess
And give birth to Love

The Sacred Union of the self
Must precede that with other
I know this
I feel this
I am this
But still I miss you
Even as the love grows inside me
Making me whole
Making me a man
I miss you
Two whole pieces of the puzzle
Awaiting their fit

Soon, our whole selves will come together
In this blissful union
For right now, I am coming together
In this blissful union
Present
Awake
Alive
In body
In love

Neither advancing nor retreating
Present with the fear
Holding myself in love
Marrying myself
Becoming the One

Becoming the One
I have sought
Becoming the One
You have sought
Becoming the One
God has sought
Becoming the One
Becoming One
Becoming

Burn

2008-02-17T09:20:00.001-08:00

Fire
Sacred Fire
Holy Fire
Burn it all away

Burn away the rage
The insecurity
The neediness
The lies
The doubt
The shame

Burn it all
In one fell swoop
Set it all ablaze
Burn that shit down

Burn through the illusion
That any of it is real
Burn through the veil
That stands between me
And the truth
Burn away the thoughts
That believe it's who I am
Burn away the myths
That were created by false gods

Let there be fire in the body
Fire in the heart
Fire in the mind
Fire in the soul

Let the raging inferno
Shine its light
And show me the way

Bring me home, fire
Bring me home
It is time
Now

Amen

Landing

2008-02-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

Little by little, I feel myself settling. Turbulence subsiding, waves smoothing over, I feel calmer, more grounded, stronger.

I've always felt so emotionally turbulent, thrown off by someone's words, affected by someone's actions. Seeking the approval of others, afraid of being abandoned, scared of being alone, I've overcompensated, compromised my truth and my essence in an effort to attempt to control everything and everyone around me.

I've been quite the strategist: "Maybe if I say or do x, then the other person will do y." "I don't want the other person to know how I feel about him/her, so I'm not going to show it so that they won't think I'm ____ and react by _____." "I need to figure out everything beforehand so that things won't get messy. I need to do it quickly before it's too late." And so on.

My friend Johnathan pointed out recently how problem-focused I tend to be, as opposed to present-focused, particularly in my relationships. Always looking for what's wrong, what needs to be fixed, what the other person is/isn't doing, needing to figure things out and know where we're going. All sorts of strategies to keep myself safe and in control, to avoid potential pain or loss. It's not very much fun, for myself or other other person.

Instead, he suggested relaxing into the moment, allowing what is to be so, and simply being present. No need to do anything, no need to change anything, simply being grateful for what is there, for my deeper excitement about who I'm with and my love for them. There are times when things need to be discussed, but I see the difference in doing so out of fear versus openness. Ultimately, it comes down to making a different choice: How do I want to be/act with what is happening?

So, I've been practicing. The past several months in particular have been like a boot-camp in presence. Can I hold on to myself, stay connected to source and to essence, trust in the divine, let go, surrender, stand in my truth and my power, experience my own worth, receive the love and support that's always available, know when to set aside my own needs and fears to be present with another, clearly see another is the midst of my fear and insecurity, remain calm, present, and connected in response to another's opinions/judgments/emotional storm, act instead of react, honor myself, take care of my own needs, praise and value myself instead of needing another to do it for me, be responsible for myself and allow others to do the same for themselves, and remain loving and open through my fear, constriction, and insecurity? The answer, more and more frequently, is yes, I can. In fact, yes, I am.

I feel happier, more present, more loving and in love, and more ease than I've ever felt before. Practicing presence is like exercising a muscle: it gets stronger over time. The constant internal chaos is becoming more like a spike here and there, and I find myself navigating through those more easily.

It's time to stop trying and to instead allow, receive, and follow the joy. To have fun, to play, to laugh, to dance, to explore, and to create. To let go of figuring it all out and trust, and deal with things as they arise rather than preparing for them. In the words of Abraham, "All is well."

And so it is.

Surrendered into Divinity

2008-02-09T18:24:00.001-08:00

In this place of wholeness
There is no effort

Making love to creation
Being made love to
A sensual feast
Of the skin
Eyes
Ears
Breath

Nothing to do
Empty fullness
Still
Calm
Present
Powerful

The essence of presence
Relaxed in the moment
Free to choose
To act
No strings

Open heart
Soft body
Strong spine
Taken open by love
Opening to love
Offering love
Embodying love

A gift given and received
Simply by choosing
To surrender
Drop in
Allow
Embrace
Receive
The beauty that surrounds me

I don't need to try
There is already enough
Plenty
An abundance

I just need to surrender
Into the arms
Of God

Tempering

2008-02-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

As I continue to rise up
Rebuilding
Reconstructing
Recreating
Reintegrating
I feel a strong foundation being formed inside me

Even in the space of love, the rage is still present. I am being called to let go of the duality and recognize that they are not separate. To experience the bigness of love, and how it can hold everything. All the darkness. All the light. All one.

In the face of this rage, I am being called to be present. To notice it, to breathe with it, and to embrace it.

It is not always easy. Anger is probably my most shameful emotion. Sometimes I want to scream it out, sometimes I want to focus it on someone else, sometimes I just want it to go away. I feel like I need to do something with it, anything to not feel it, anything to not allow others to see it, to just not have it be there. I wonder if it will hurt someone or scare them away. I fear its power. I fear my own power.

Yet, if we are to tame the beast, we must befriend it, get to know it, take it for a walk, and ultimately love it. Like a hose on full blast spraying in every which way, once we get a handle on it, we can focus the stream. We must master the intensity and ferocity, becoming skilled artisans with the sword.

It is not a matter of wondering if we are or aren't angry: we all have the sword of anger inside of us. Therefore, the question becomes: What will we do with it? Deny it? Suppress it? Ignore it? Make nice and cover it up?

Or, will we step up and face it, embrace it, dance with it, hold it, and master it? Any other choice is playing into the game that we see in the world around us, a world where unchecked and unloved anger is being used to destroy, kill, torture, and rape both the earth and its people.

As I cultivate a relationship with anger, holding it in love, I experience a new flavor of love. A fierce love, one that knows when to cut, when to slice, when to protect, when to honor, and when to bless.

With this fierce love comes a sense of clarity, of knowing, and of purpose. It is cutting through the "maybe" kind of love, the "let's wait-and-see" kind of love, the wishy-washy love. It is helping to keep me strong in the face of disapproval, the face of judgment, the face of uncertainty, the face of isolation, and the face of self-doubt. It is opening my heart, knowing that I can take care of it, that I am powerful enough to hold myself, and to surrender into the arms of God.

Lead the way. I am yours. I am mine. I am ours.

I am.

Unbridled Love

2008-02-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

Today I'm experiencing what it feels like
To love unbridled
Unhinged
Unattached

Noticing ways that my love has been
Conditional
Expectational
Demanding

It is an illusion to think that somehow, if I let go, I'll lose something
Never to have it come back
In that control
In that constriction
In that contraction
I think I have control
But I don't

Today I chose to love
To open my heart
To fully trust
To let go
To experience a love that requires nothing in return

Moments of fear arise
I want to reach out and grab on
But instead
I choose to simply love again
Feeling the depths of my love
Of my desire
Of my adoration
Of my devotion
Of my passion

And I feel free

Resurrection

2008-02-06T00:16:00.001-08:00

Today, I have risen from the ashes
Come back from the dead
Into the land of the living

Resting in this new awareness
This new life
This new love
Knowing a simple truth:

I did nothing wrong
Ever

I was not responsible for their feelings
For their actions
For their behavior
Nor am I responsible for yours

Your reactions
Your responses to me
Are your business
Not mine

They are for you to notice
Transform
Love
As I have to yours

Only I can completely free myself
Only you can completely free yourself
In that, we all become free
We can support one another
Love one another
But, ultimately, we must choose for ourselves

I have tried my best
Given my all
Loved as best as I've know how to in each moment
That is all I can do
That is all I can continue to do

I have done nothing wrong
I am not wrong
I am not bad
It is not my fault
I will not apologize for myself any longer

I am love
I am loved
I am love
Love

Amen.

Ask For What You Need

2008-02-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

As I enter a new chapter in my life and a time of transformation, I come to a place of uncertainty. What do I need to do? How do I heal? How do I call forth what I most desire? How do I trust and have faith? How do I find true happiness? How do I fulfill my purpose? I ask the question of what to do, and the divine speaks:

"Ask for what you need."

Immediately, I begin to question it: ask who? what? when? where? how?

The instant my mind begins to question, the divine interrupts, cutting off my question:

"Ask for what you need."

Oh, I get it. I don't need to be concerned with the details; all I need to do is ask, and let the divine take over. It sounds so simple, maybe even a little too easy. You mean I don't have to figure it out? I don't have to make it all happen? I don't have to control or force any of it?

I suppose not, because any other response other than simply stating a need (I don't even get to give a long explanation; the divine cuts me off after the first word, apparently wanting me to be quick and to the point) is met with the same exact question, same voice, same tone:

"Ask for what you need."

Well, all right then. Here goes:

Love
Healing
Connection
Intimacy
Passion
Sacred Union
Friendship
Support
Guidance
Trust
Faith
Hope
Desire
Fulfillment
Pleasure
Joy
Laughter
Lightness
Play
Gratitude
Surrender
Meaning
Sex
Humor
Power
Strength
Courage
Creativity
Self-expression
Ease
Fluidity
Clarity
Discovery
Partnership
Abundance
Vitality
Health
Well-being
Nurturing
Growth
Compassion
Touch
Exuberance
Fun
Energy
Purpose
Relationship
Community
Grace
Harmony
Peace
Simplicity
Beauty
Inspiration
Belief

I'm told that I just need to keep stating my needs and that all will be fulfilled. Nothing more; simply having a moment to moment awareness and speaking what I need. More to follow . . .

p.s. A new laptop with a large hard drive would be great, too! ;)

Firestorm

2008-02-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

There is rage inside me , big rage. A firestorm, it feels like.

It has been present for the past few days, as I've moved beyond the fears, insecurities, and shame that I've been swimming in and out of for the past couple of weeks. A fiery ball in my belly and chest, filling me with a sense of power, of choice, of self-protection and self-love.

In the past, I've often suppressed my anger, fearing that I'd be abandoned if I expressed it, that others couldn't handle it, that it would be dangerous. After all, I grew up with the unhealthy version directed towards me in the form of ridicule, blame, shame, punishment, and abuse. As I result, I disconnected from my own anger, unwilling to fully own and step into it. Instead, I internalized it, stewing, smouldering, feeling intense contempt and hatred but having no real outlet for it. As a result, I often became depressed, passive, weak, helpless. Today, I see it manifest as being passive-aggressive, making snide underhanded comments and cutting remarks without being direct and owning my own feelings. I've been blaming others and putting my anger on them.

As I've sat with my anger for the past couple of days, I've noticed the urge to go away, to move out of relationship with others and go deal with it by myself. What I'm realizing tonight is that bringing this anger into relationship is what true intimacy is about.

Anger is a gift. It allows us to move from being a victim to acknowledging our own power and vitality, making us equal, alive, human. The victim disowns the anger, the perpetrator puts it on others. The emotional meaning of anger is that boundaries have been crossed, and now they need to be set. The real use and blessing of it, the healthy expression, comes when we embrace it, own it, and stand in it.

That is what I'm choosing to do now. It's my anger, not someone else's. It's my truth. It's my power and my life force. I wrote yesterday how, as men, we need to take our raw sexual energy (which is closely linked to anger), and align it with our hearts and higher selves. This is how we begin to heal. This is how we claim the divine masculine. This is how we become love. By embracing all of it, by relaxing into it, by opening to it, and by loving through it, in all forms. In this way, it becomes conscious. The more I do this, the more alive, the more aroused, the more turned on, the more passionate that I feel.

I am alive.

Questions

2008-01-31T17:13:00.001-08:00

There are many questions on my mind tonight as I sit in silent meditation. Questions about love and surrender. Questions about connection to self, self-love, and self-care. Questions about intimacy and relating. Questions about our cultural and collective wounding, particularly around addiction and sexuality. Questions about how I am being called to work, what spirit is wanting of me, and what I'm to do. The questions most on my mind tonight around pertain to men, and our disconnect around sexuality.

We all have our addictions. Some hurt and affect others, be it people, animals, or the planet. Others addictions are directed inward, causing harm to the self. Almost all of the men I know have some form of sexual addiction. For some, it involves pornography. For others, fantasy. For others, compulsive sexual experiences. For others, it is acting out sexual abuse.

There is also a disconnect in many men around their sexuality. Bombarded by images and ideas of who and how men are supposed to be, men today are often forced to choose between their sex and their heart. For the former, to have emotions, to be vulnerable, compassionate, caring, and sensitive is to be weak. For the latter, to be powerful and fully embodied is to be domineering, abusive, and chauvinistic. There are few models of how to hold both: to be powerful and sensitive, sexual and sensual, strong and vulnerable.

This is what we are being called to do: to integrate these disconnected aspects of ourselves. To unite the heart and the genitals, and align them with spirit. To claim our power and use it to heal, rather than to control and dominate.

This is a powerful step towards healing our sexual addictions, many of which are genital-focused rather than heart-focused. As we awaken the heart, we can connect to what our hearts most yearn for, what our souls crave, and what our spirit desires. From this awareness, we can use this raw sexual energy and direct it towards our purpose, our dreams, our passion, our creativity, and to loving the world awake.

There is power in our sexuality and eroticism. Once we stop allowing it to leak out in unconscious, habitual, and reactive ways, once we tune into this energy in ourselves and come into relationship and consciousness around it, we can begin to own it, claim it, and control it. Taking this energy and aligning it with our hearts, we can both give and receive the love that we really want, a love that nourishes, sustains, and heals.

However, if we shut it down our sexuality and focus only on our hearts, we lose that raw energy and passion and become mushy, weak, and deadened in our vitality and life force. Thus, it is necessary to have both, integrated, whole, and aligned.

My call to men is to come into relationship with this sexual energy inside you, with your heart, and with spirit.

Get to know this sexual energy. Be present with it. Feel it. Notice it. Embrace it. Celebrate it. Rather than giving it meaning, honor it and allow it to be as it is: pure energy, a divine gift, personal power, a blessing. Start to become conscious of how you are using it and directing it.

Feel into your heart. What do you yearn for, in your relationships, in your work, in our cultural evolution? What would most nourish you, sustain you, feed you, heal you? Where do you hold back in your loving?

Take time to listen to spirit. What are you being called to do? Where and how are you needed to serve? Why are you here?

As you become present with these aspects, notice how they are currently separate and disconnected. Ask yourself how they can come into balance and alignment. Notice how they can work together. Use these gifts wisely and with clear intention, rather than unconscious reaction.

We owe this to ourselves. We owe this to the planet. We owe this to our children. We owe this to the feminine, to reclaim, reconnect, and come back into balance and relationship with her. Let us move beyond the shame and the guilt and begin to take responsibility for ourselves, our energy, and our actions. Let's truly be the change that we wish to see.

Omi-la

2008-01-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

I’m in Forest Hills, Queens, NY, staying with my grandmother for the remainder of my time here. Earlier today, I had lunch with my father and his wife. It was quite pleasant. I have healed many of the core issues that I’ve had with him, and over the past five years or so we’ve developed a good connection. In many ways, he feels much more like a friend than my father. It sometimes seems a bit surreal. I’m glad and thankful that I got to see him and his wife today, and for how easy it is between us now.

Afterwards, my mom drove me down to my grandmother’s apartment, where she’s lived for something like 53 years. 53 years! Holy shit! Since leaving home at 18, I think my record is something like 2 ½.

Anyway, my mom dropped me off (I had a really great time with her, and feel like our relationship is completely recreated – see my previous “Loving My Mother” blog for the initial account), and my grandmother and I began our time together.

I love my grandmother so much. She is actually the main reason for this trip. As she is getting older (she’s 86), our time together is more limited. Her favorite thing in the world is to have her grandchildren come visit her (she can’t really travel anymore), so it means a lot to be able to be here.

My grandmother is a holocaust survivor. At age 16, she and her older brother separately fled Germany, leaving the rest of the family behind to a fate unknown. After a time, she was able to get the family out, but it was close. After she worked as a nanny in England, she finally had enough money to get them out, and my great-grandfather came down with appendicitis right before they were supposed to leave. Tickets lost, she had to save once again, finally making enough to get them out for good. They got out literally just in time. They came here to America with nothing, all of it lost to the Nazis, and created a new life for themselves.

I’ve always called my grandmother “Omi,” taken from “Oma” in German (my grandfather, who died when I was 18, was “Opi,” taken from “Opa”). She resisted at first, wanting to disconnect from her German heritage after what she went through, but I was way too young for her to resist and somehow it stuck.

Anyway, she always had plenty of names for me growing up, names like “Meupshin,” “Tundi,” “Boobula,” and “David-la,” among many other that became quite embarrassing to be called in public as I entered my teens. I tried to make her stop, but it was too late; it was way too engrained in her (she has names for all her kids and grandkids; I just found out for the first time tonight after coming across my mom’s baby book that she called my mom “Poppedy” and “Putzele” – yikes!). So, in exasperation and to give her some of her own medicine, I started calling her “Omi-la,” and it has stuck ever since (she feels quite endeared by it actually, as she likes it when I tease her).
The first part of this visit with my mom was about loving more fully and openly while staying connected to my own sense of self and power. Seeing my dad today felt like it was about simply being myself. Being with my grandmother feels like it’s about receiving love, letting it in, and loving myself enough to do so.

My grandmother is very loving. She has always gone out of her way to help others and care for them. She hates to hurt anyone (she lost her temper once when my sister and I were young and behaving in a way that totally deserved it, and she still feels guilty about it twenty-plus years later) and would give anything she could for those she loves. She is kind, warm, generous, giving, faithful, adoring, and devoted. (She is also extremely worrisome, stubborn, and neurotic, and being with her I can see where I got it, for those of you who wonder ;).

Anyway, we have always had a good relationship, and being here now, especially after the shift with my mom, I feel closer and more comfortable with her than ever. I love being able to take care of her (which takes a lot of persistence, as she resists it, finding it both hard to receive and to not be the caretaker), talk with her, tease her, and hear her stories. As I connect with my adult self, my mature self, I can simply be with her as myself, and I can and am letting in her love for me in a way that I’ve felt guilty and unworthy for in the past. So much love in my childhood was conditional, with strings attached, reciprocations expected, or just plain smothering. I felt so unworthy of it when it did come, didn’t trust that it was real, that I closed off to it. I lost faith in love, and, by extension, lost faith in humanity and in God.

Now, that is shifting as well. I am really letting it in. Earlier tonight, my grandmother said that the happiest day of her life was the day that I was born, and I started to cry (it’s making me cry now, too ;) (Anakha even agreed, even though she was six and didn’t know me – how sweet ;). I was so touched, so honored, so moved, knowing that she has had some many other happy and blessed days.

What I am seeing though is that underneath receiving these sweet and adoring words is that I am truly loving myself. It is through this loving that I believe I am beginning to receive more and more of these blessings, and the blessings of the universe. I am opening the flow, unguarding my heart, and surrendering and trusting the divine. My faith is returning.

Tonight, my body is electrified, tingly, turned on, alive. I am in love. I am in love with myself. I am in love with you. I am in love with the divine, with my renewing sense of faith. “Trust me,” it says, and I am. Take me where you will. Make me your instrument, your vessel.

I am yours.

You are mine.

We are each other’s.

Amen.

"Trust Me"

2008-01-27T02:49:00.000-08:00

I awake today at 4am, another early-morning rendezvous with the dark stillness. The journey is sometimes intense, sometimes, confusing, sometimes frustrating as all hell. Two steps forward, one step back. Blissful awakening, clear knowing, turbulent chaos. Deep connection, open heart, closure. It is a hero’s journey, this path to awakening, to transformation, to embodiment, to connect with essence and source and live from that place. My time here is taking me deeper, my time with my mother continuing to create opening and connection between us, a new way of relating and being together. Love is blooming.

In this darkness of night, my mind begins to race, to question, to doubt. It appears that another storm has come in, creating turbulent thoughts, kicking up the doubts, the fears, the insecurities. I want proof and evidence that all will be well, that all is well, and I’m not getting the proof in the way that I want. Amidst this, a voice emerges, one that has been speaking to me for the past several months, with a simple message:

“Trust me.”

But I don’t want to trust. I can’t trust. What is there to trust? My mind pulls out the evidence: the pie charts, the flow charts, the annual reports, the flashy powerpoint presentation. “See,” I say, “Just look - it’s all going to shit.” I ask it what it has to say about that.

“Trust me. All is well. Bliss is awaiting you. Your dreams await. Peace awaits. Love awaits. If you just trust.”

I try it for a moment, and relax a bit. My mind is a little quieter for a moment before it resumes its case. Growing up, it never seemed to get better. The 17-year storm never seemed to pass, no matter how much I wanted it to, no matter what I did.

Until it did. When I surrendered. Then it came back, and then it passed, over and over again, each time the storms getting a little smaller, a little weaker as my essence emerged stronger, more open.

The teachings of Abraham teach that most of us respond to what’s happening in the moment, and react and choose based on that. We see the evidence, the proof, and disconnect from essence, from source, from desire. We move away from what we want. We move away from God.

Instead, they say essentially, to return to the vision, to the dream, to the trust and faith in the divine. To raise your vibration in spite of the evidence. To pay attention, notice, and focus on what creates the opening.

I decide to try again, to listen to the voice. My mind quiets a little more. My heart opens a little more. Either way, I at least feel better. Calmer. Connected. Hopeful. I realize that this is the gateway, the missing piece, the real block to present-moment embodiment.

The voice is calm, steady, persistent. Each time my mind kicks in, it speaks up with its simple reminder. “Trust me.”

I do. One step at a time. Little by little. Bridging each moment into a longer moment. My mind is quieter now. My faith is strengthened. My belief clearer. My trust deepened. I can once again rest in the stillness.

Loving My Mother

2008-01-25T23:41:00.000-08:00

It's 2:45 in the morning, and I just finished talking with my mother after an almost 2-hour long dialogue/conversation/experience.

I have known, felt, sensed that this trip is about healing. Healing my past. Finding peace. Finding power. Finding clarity. Finding love, the love that I disconnected from as a child. I have sensed this intention, but didn't know how to come into it, until tonight.

There's a way that I'm different around my mother than with other people; with friends, peers, colleagues. I feel numb, shut down, closed, disconnected, inauthentic. Growing up, I had always thought our relationship was healthy and good, especially in comparison to my father's abuse and neglect. It wasn't until about five or six years ago, after many years of intensive therapy and work and healing around my father, that I realized how unhealthy it really was. At that point, it shifted tremendously, from talking several times a week and tapering off to maybe once every two or three weeks. I pulled away, disconnected in some needed ways, and began my healing around our relationship.

As I engage in my intimate relationships, I see my patterns emerge that mirror the experiences of my childhood (sound familiar?). Sure, I start out open, but gradually (often fairly quickly, in fact), my reactions start. Anger. Blame. Closure. Judgment. Disdain. Pushing. Pulling. Clinging. I see it hurt those I love the most, those I want the most, those I deeply cherish and adore. Shutting down when they open. Unspoken demands. Blame. Criticism. Resentment. Unreasonable expectations. I push away my loves, keeping them at a distance. Keeping myself at a distance. Separating from the love the I so want and need.

After reenacting the scenario tonight with a dear love (and getting a good kick in the butt), I was reminded that now is the time to heal these wounds, to go back to the roots and shake them free, to heal at the source. It was time to heal them with my mother, and in doing so, to heal them in my present intimacies as well. And so began our descent.

I have cleared with her before on several occasions, but tonight was different. Until tonight, it was about clearing the past, coming to terms, resolution. Tonight was about creating a real relationship, real intimacy between us. It was about learning a new way of relating to the feminine, a way without blame, without anger, without powerlessness. And we did. I said what I needed to say, how I felt, what I needed, and continued to bring it into the present, into our relationship. I told her how these patterns are showing up for my now in my intimacies, and how much I want to heal them. I told her that I want her and my relationship to be different, to be close, to feel like myself when I'm around her and to not feel so disconnected and angry.

As I shared, I kept telling her that I just wanted her to listen, to paraphrase back my words and feelings, to not try to fix me, explain herself, or make it about changing or judging the past. Each time that I spoke and she repeated, I dropped in a little deeper. Tears flowed. Anger flared. I stayed present with myself and present with her, sharing about the past and the moment, relating with her, opening with her, sharing with her, telling her what I needed in the moment and calling her to be present with me. And, she did.

As I relaxed, deepened, opened, revealed, and shared, I came to the essence of the disconnect between us: that in our relationship, I feel powerless and inauthentic. That I'm not myself, disconnected, and blame and resent her for it for my inability to be whole, powerful, and alive in her presence. By extension, I have carried that energy in my relationship to the feminine. In that awareness, in the moment, in that awakening, the transformation came to fully manifest, embodied. My willingness to speak up to her and be vulnerable. Communicating of my needs, and sticking to them throughout our conversation. Honoring myself, standing up for myself, keeping my heart open, regardless of how she was responding to me. Loving her.

In that awakening, that transformation, that embodied experiential knowing, my heart fully opened to her in a way that it never has. I felt so much love for her, so connected, so happy to be there with her, as though she was one of my closest friends. I was taking responsibility for and standing in my own power, my own authentic expression, my own needs and desires, my own heart. In that place, I needed nothing from her. I could be myself, without fear of her response, without needing to protect or defend. I could be strong, in integrity with my soul, present. I could hold my boundaries and fully love. For maybe the first time every with her, we looked into each other's eyes in silence for several minutes, just being together.

It is a new step towards creating and engaging this new way of being, of relating. It is so necessary, so vital. It is changing my life. It is time. As we were ending our time, she said how she wished that she had been different, how she wished she could go back and change how she'd been with me. I told her that we are doing it now, in the present, and that's what really matters. That we are doing it now.

I am honored.

I am grateful.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am love.

I am.

We are.

Coming Home to the Stillness

2008-01-25T05:07:00.000-08:00

My first morning in New York, the place where I grew up, at my mother's house just outside of the city. It is cold, clear - I hear the planes flying and the traffic outside. There is always such a different vibe to being here, a different culture, a different way of being. I felt it when I landed, and I feel it now. There's something about coming home, being home, feeling the experience of home. It is more than a place, it's a feeling, a sense, a touchstone and foundation for the soul upon which to build, create, and explore.

I awoke at 5:45 this morning (2:45 Portland time!), and couldn't go back to sleep. Normally, this is highly unusual, but not lately; this has been happening every morning for the past week or so. Awakening to the silence, the stillness, the time when everyone is still sleeping. Despite the feeling of fatigue, a deep sense of calmness and clarity has been present during this time, an opportunity to connect closely with my soul and listen to hear what it has to say. To know and reconnect with it.

As I spiral down, as I descend to my core, as I listen to the words of my soul and the voice of spirit, a calmness is emerging, a stillness. I suppose emerging isn't the correct word; it's more like a resting, an effortless drop and soft landing into the eye of a storm that is passing and moving on. A sweet surrender. I know myself here. I feel myself here. It is quite peaceful.

As I connect with this place and rest in it, I look out at the passing storm and what it is carrying away. The lies and half-truths I've told myself, the ways I've given up my power, the ways I have not been in integrity with my deepest knowing and purpose, the avoidance, the fear, the insecurity, the lack of faith and trust in myself and in God. I make peace with it, honor it, and bid it goodbye. In its wake, I find my purpose. I find myself. I find God. I know who I am and why I'm here. It is time.

Let us all begin to remember. Who we are. Why we're here. No more pretending, no more superficial distractions, no more lies. What is the real work right now? What is crucial? What really matters? What will make the difference? Where does the healing need to occur, and what is the medicine?

It is up to each of us to wake up to these truths and live them as best we can. It is time to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. To reconnect with the soul and bring it back, bring it forward, bring it into these times, this culture, this planet. The world right now, in all the pain and suffering, is crying out for its return. It is time to come home.

Doing Time

2008-01-24T17:19:00.000-08:00

Time . . . sitting on the plane to New York, time is present, in my face. Literally; there is a screen hanging in front of me with a map showing where we are en route, along with a clock displaying how long we've been flying and how much time remains. One one hand, kinda cool. On the other hand, do we really need to know? We'll get there when we get there . . . it's not like there's much we can do about it, anyway.

My mind keeps returning to Nichole, sitting in her cell, 3+ years to go. Her situation reflects to me my own impatience, my need for clarity, my need to have everything resolved and figured out and neatly tied up with a bow. She has some idea of when the transition will come, but until then, she's got to wait it out, the looming awareness that her options are limited for quite a ways down the road as the clock slowly ticks. Meanwhile, I don't know when and how things will unfold at all, but I see how hard it is to wait. At least I have the freedom and the options, but I get so wrapped up in it all, so wrapped up in myself and my problems . . . she reminds me to remain humble, and tread lightly . . .

Nichole wonders how people can love her after all that she's done. After all the mistakes, the breaches of trust, the stress and other challenges that affected those close to her. I wonder the same about myself. In my family, mistakes were not allowed, nothing less than perfection. One mistake, even something as simple as slamming a car door too hard, laughing too loudly, or getting a B in school, and love was withheld, punishment dished out, no second chances. I see in my relationships how afraid I am to make mistakes, how after saying or doing something at all insensitive or hurtful (which happens way more than I'd like, especially the closer I get to someone), I expect them to leave and walk away, holding resentment and not wanting to engage any more. Love withheld. It doesn't leave me much breathing room, much room to be human, and it's like being in a permanent prison with little room to move.

Slowly, like Nichole, I am seeing how things are different now. I have people in my life who are committed to being with me, close to me, caring for me, loving me, giving me chances to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. It is quite humbling, and I am grateful for the love and support. I am so forgiving of others, yet I am still surprised when they are forgiving of me. Nichole and I are both learning that being loved isn't about being perfect, or needing to do anything for anyone. It simply is being who we are. In its essence, love is freely offered, freely received, without conditions.

The rapids inside me are calming down. The shame and guilt that I've carried are becoming things that I merely observe and notice, rather than things that I cling to or give much energy. I am human. I am flawed. It is natural. I am still lovable. I feel God more now, trusting the presence, trusting myself, as me, in me. Me as.

And still, I love. Openly. Freely. My heart wide, still beating, even as time continues to pass, even as the aches still surface. I can care for myself, but I can't control the outcome. I'll get there when I get there.

In time.

Trust in that.

Love and Forgiveness

2008-01-23T21:41:00.000-08:00

Early this morning, I witnessed a young woman be sentenced to four and a half years in prison. She was guilty of the charges, of which none actually harmed anyone. She was remorseful. She was distraught. She was also honest in her guilt, direct, straightforward, in integrity, admitting and taking full responsibility for her actions. Now she'll do her time, unfortunately in a system that seeks control and punishment over rehabilitation and healing, which is what she most needs right now.

This woman, Nichole, has been teaching me much about myself: mirroring my self-hatred, my challenges to receiving love, my struggle to sometimes makes choices out of my highest good, my vulnerability, my compassion, my selfishness. Despite not knowing her very well, I do know that she has a good heart and good intentions. She is honest, real, genuine, a no bullshit kind of gal. Her childhood was intense, filled with tales of meth addiction, abandonment, and other details that few of us have experienced and lived through. She reminds me of how easy my life is in comparison, despite my own history of abuse. I've at least had people who've loved me in my life.

That is changing for her now. Many people, including myself, are showing up to love and support her, including those who were directly affected by her crimes. They have forgiven her, loved her as she is, and offered to step up and help her in her recovery and healing. It is a new thing for her to be loved at all, let alone by people that she's hurt. And, she's choosing to now let it in, to do the work, to step up and be the woman who she truly is in essence.

We all need forgiveness in our lives, to make the choice to open our hearts and love freely, openly, simply because it is ultimately healing. Otherwise, keeping our hearts closed, we ultimately hurt ourselves. Probably the greatest moment of my own healing was the moment when I truly forgave my father. I felt a relief, a love, ecstatic waves of energy pulsing through me. All those years, I thought I was punishing him, but really I was punishing myself. Yes, there's a process to it, yes, it can take time, but it is a worthy goal, a liberating goal, the true embodiment of love.

As I see Nichole begin to forgive herself by allowing herself to be loved, tonight I choose to do the same. To forgive myself. To forgive those who have hurt me. It is not easy; my heart opens and closes, expands and contracts. But, I keep choosing to open, because eventually it will remain that way. Because that is true love. Thank you Nichole, for reminding me.

Spiraling Down to Source

2008-01-22T23:27:00.000-08:00

Today has been quite the wild ride. Numbness, confusion, disconnect, fear, tenderness, love, serenity, doubt, resolution, anger, ambivalence, clarity, strength, connection, bliss, and a major panic attack that left me wondering if I do this, this life, this journey, this path, this relating. At one point, I screamed into my bed (one of these days I'm going to open a "catharsis clinic" complete with pillows, bats, padded walls, and other accoutrements to keep us all a little more sane and spare the neighbors from freaking out), pissed at the divine for wondering why it seemed like I was being led astray, pissed at myself for wondering if I was just completely fucked up and disconnected from my own internal ear and guidance, pissed at the world, pissed, terrified, fed up, spiteful, angry, resigned, ready to throw in the towel.

Fortunately, the moment passed (as they all seem to do, no matter how many times I create the illusion that time will somehow freeze), and the relief and clarity came. Mostly, it was just my requisite panic attack that reliably and right on cue seems to occur right before the breakthrough, before the settling and knowing that lies beneath the frozen fear.

From there, the spiral began to steady, descending, dropping, deepening, aligning, until arriving at the final destination of truth, of certainty, of commitment, of devotion, of the true essence of love. That love is both something one surrenders to as well as something that one commits to.

In my past, doubts and fears have reigned, sometimes at the most crucial moments. The moments that matter, that sometimes make or break, or at least shape, one's destiny. In some moments, I have taken hold of the reigns and steered the ship. In others, I've run for cover in the underbelly. Relatively recently, one occurred where I crashed and burned, disconnecting from truth, from power, from knowing, from vision, from source, from true love and desire, and I have been living with the aftermath and consequences ever since.

That moment was a wake up call, the first of many to follow, to get clear, really clear: What do I really want? What is my deepest truth and knowing? What does it mean to stand in my essence, power, and strength and stay there? Where is Source guiding me, and will I trust and follow it?

Staying there and standing tall through the hurricanes of ambivalence, the tornadoes of doubt, the earthquakes of confinement, the avalanches of abandonment. Being unwavering in the times when I think that I've first got to figure out all the details, the contingencies, the maybes, the clauses, the what ifs?, the possible futures, the potential hurts and losses, the final outcome of where it's all heading in some unknown moment that's beyond the horizon.

Instead, hearing Spirit call, answering the phone, and saying yes. Yes to what I most deeply want, even as fears rise up in my body. Yes to what I most deeply know is true, even as my mind begins to question. Yes to love: to loving myself, loving other, to being so open to stand in and receive love and truth that all that arises in the face of it has no choice but to be offered a brief nod and acknowledgment, a courteous smile, and then sent on its merry way to knock on someone else's door.

Tonight, I stand firmly in this truth and this love: I want this love, more than any I have known. I want this life, this path, this purpose. I commit to staying in the rapids, no matter what storms may arise. I commit to showing up, even when I want to run and hide. I listen to the call of my heart and my soul and Source above all else. I let my love conquer my fear.

I'm in.

And so it is.

Amen.

The Fires are Burning

2008-01-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

Anakha recently played this song for me called "Heal This Land" by Tina Malia, one that we danced to, and the line and melody keep going through my head: "The Fires are Burning" (insert musical accompaniment here).

I suppose it's appropriate for my first blog, seeing that fire seems to be a theme in my life and my evolution. Burning, igniting, warming, heating, dancing, scorching. Anger, passion, power, desire, warmth, joy, ecstasy, inspiration. All aspects of the fire, the flame, the light.

The fires are burning for me as I write this. Burning away all that is ready to be transformed and alchemized: my shame, my rage, my anger, my guilt, my self-hatred, my insecurities, doubts, fears, and worries. Lighting the way to that which nourishes me and brings me closer to God: self-love, trust, abundance, joy, inner peace.

As I prepare to return to New York to visit my family, I am aware of the ways I have disconnected from my self, my soul, and my essence. I am aware of how the wounds of my childhood have impacted and shaped by life: the abuse, the manipulation, the control, the abandonment. The ways I've closed down my heart, separated myself from that which my soul years for and my heart desires, kept myself small.

As I have been on my journey of healing and awakening, I have chipped away, deconstructed, taken apart, let go of, and dissolved those dark places. I have healed, tended, and nurtured those wounds. Yet now, it is a critical time, a pivotal time, to to take hold of the roots and shake them free. In the wake of recent events, they have revealed themselves to me, offered up their dirt, their darkness, their shadow, and presented a simple message: now is the time. Time to step up. Time to let go. Time to give it over to the divine and spirit. Time to grow up. Time to forgive. Time to honor and time to bless. Time to pray. Time to heal. To to give, receive, and become unconditional love.

This is a path we all must take if we are to truly heal ourselves, to know and commune with the divine, to transform, and to love. On this path, there is no blame, no judgment. We are all victims and perpetrators, if only to ourselves. The question is, will we take it? Will we stop complaining, whining, judging, bitching? Will we stop distracting, avoiding, denying, suppressing? Will we descend into the darkness and stay there, making peace with it, loving it, making love to it, and embracing it? Will we give it over to the divine and say, "Here - take this - I am ready to surrender, to let go, and to trust in this free fall of not knowing?"

In a time when many of us search for joy, happiness, peace, and harmony, the question becomes: can we find it in the darkness? in the shadows? This is where true love is, a hidden aspect of the divine where few are willing to acknowledge, let alone look at, let alone visit, let alone embrace. We see this in our world: the violence, wars, rape, hatred, intolerance, separation. It is inside of each of us, calling out, crying out for attention.

And now, I see it clearly inside myself: selfishness, control, manipulation, fear, scarcity, self-hatred, shame, denial, judgment, disconnection, dishonesty, separation, isolation. They're all there, and they've been partying for a long time with little adult supervision.

Well, I'm here to say that the karma police have arrived to bring some balance to this party. It's time for a new party to get started: one with abundance, power, passion, focus, and clarity. A regal catered event with joy, intention, tolerance, acceptance, integration, and love, with a special guest appearance by the divine itself.

And, maybe a "new age" beverage or two ;)