Kundalini Awakening

3 am
Body on fire

What is this energy
Blowing me open?

Dissolving numbness
I feel too much
Like an explosion inside each cell

I want it
I don't want it

Allow it to take me over
Out of control
To whatever lies beyond
That I've avoided all this time

Passion
Joy
Freedom
Ecstasy
Bliss

Unbridled vulnerability
No armor

With each breath I allow
With each breath I surrender
As the breath of God
Breathes life into this soul

I surrender
To this love

Conflict

After several incidents this past week, I'm noticing how afraid I feel around conflict. My childhood pattern was to retreat up to my room. Now, I find other ways to "disappear," often in the form of going into my head or just checking out of my body completely.

I see how in relationships I so desperately want the "good stuff." The peace, harmony, joy, play, excitement, etc. After all those years of tension growing up, I have just wanted it to be over, to never have to go back to that place of discomfort, to have the love and intimacy that I craved all those years and never got.

What I'm seeing is how going into the "storm," be it the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, hurt, shame and exposing that to others is what will create the true intimacy, the true "good stuff" that I want so much. I will be with you in present time, experience my feelings, and deal with them differently. Show up. Express what I'm feeling. Be real and authentic, rather than wanting everything to be ok and settled and pretending, or "forcing," things to be all right.

This is my desire: to simply be with reality rather than how I would like reality to be. To embrace the moment. I call forth the courage in myself to do so, and I sense that the more I do this, the more the "good stuff" will come.

Embracing Wildness

I feel the walls coming down, the restricted guard that keeps me safe, separate, contained.

Last night, I experienced myself in the holding, feeling tentative and uncertain, wanting to protect and take care of everyone. As the night went on, and as I stepped into the center, I felt the holding subside a bit more, energy rising in my body, being more real and authentic with what's inside me. I want to be real, to express myself clearly and directly, to rise above the numbing, over-thinking, rationalizing, caretaking mask that I've worn for too long. It doesn't serve either of us, and it keeps me separate and weak. I don't always realize that I'm wearing it. Thanks Felix, for calling me on my bullshit. That's what I want from you, and from everyone. I don't need your safe niceness. And, I'm tired of expressing that when it's not real, when there's shit brewing underneath.

Through last night and this morning, I experienced it dropping away, expressing the rage inside, the words that I've witheld to keep everyone safe. As I let go, releasing the control in my body, I felt myself come alive, free, unbound. I felt clear. I felt connected. I felt free.

This is my intention: to surrender to wildness. My wildness, the wild, messy, out-of-control unpredictable experience of being alive. To risk not-knowing, to stop playing it safe and go for it. I feel it happening, piece by piece, layer by layer. The mask is coming off. I am coming alive. Joing me, beloveds. Get messy with me. I can take it. I want it. And, rather than trying to protect and take care of you, I will trust that you can take care of yourself and let things get messy, or loving, or passionate, or crazy, or whatever happens when the hinges come off and the doors get blown open. It's time to let the bullshit go.

Essence

Sometimes, there is nothing to write about
Nothing to speak
Nothing to say

It simply is
I simply am

Being

The constriction
The expansion
Means nothing

Just the simple joy
Of being alive
Is all that matters

Prison Break

I am feeling free
The freedom of love's joy
Permeating the cells of my being

Yes, I am scared
Each step takes me to a new place
That I do not yet know
My mind thinks I'll be alone
But my soul knows better
Should I remember to listen

Let go
Surrender
No need to hold on
To anyone or anything

Feel the freedom
Of unbound, unattached love
It is here
Right here
Right now
For the feasting

No one can save me
For the Divine dwells close
And I only need
To let it out
And let it in

No need to contain
Restrain
Restrict
This pulsing heart
That yearns to love

I have tried though
Lord, have I tried
It is a fool's game
A booby prize
A false sense of security
In a world without bars

All along, I've been standing in the garden
Fruits laid out before me
Adam and Eve had it goin' on
They knew what to do

Get down, get naked
Take a bite
And let the juices flow

Alone in the Shadow

I'm not quite sure how to start this blog. Anakha and I were talking earlier: I had just read her blog, in which she exposed her deepest vulnerability in revealing her essential shadow. It was truly moving, beautifully heart-wrenching, and preciously innocent. She was telling me how her doubt in being so nakedly exposed, yet after reading it I felt even more love, respect, and admiration for her, with no judgment whatsoever. As we are both on this quest for love and wholeness, for seeking authentic truth and finding the courage to fully show up in this world and in these times, she invited me to do the same: to reveal my own shadow. As I wish to stand with her in coming forth, and as I wish to stand with all of you in the truth of who I am, I will speak about my own shadow. This is not the time to hide. It is time to stand in the truth: the truth of our pain and suffering. This is the only way it can be healed.

I have always felt alone in this world. Separate. Apart. Much of my childhood was spent alone, often in my room. Hiding from my father, from his rage, believing that I was the source, the reason for all his pain, that it was all my fault. I was the problem. There was something wrong with me. Trying to heal my mother, in her pain and neediness, but never being able to give her enough: enough for her to want me, to love me. Being good, being nice and sweet, suppressing my own needs, my own anger, because otherwise she'd leave. There was no room for me, no space to be myself. I became really good at containing myself: trying to do everything right and perfect, controlling my behavior, being careful and cautious, because otherwise I'd be punished. Trying to please, trying to give, thinking that if I gave enough that one day I would get back the love that I so desperately wanted. My worth is in what I offer to others, not who I am.

Part of me, a deep part, still feels alone. I feel afraid to show up fully because you might want or need something from me: my desire, my attention, my energy. I can't say no, because I'll lose you, hurt you, or both. So I stay back, detached, aloof. Instead I give, because I want to be worthy. I want you to love me back, to hold me, but even if you do, I can't let it in. Too much. You might want something, take advantage of me, use me. I feel angry at you because I expect you to take care of me, even though I won't let you, because I sometimes don't know how to take care of myself.

There is nowhere to move. No space, except here in this empty place. No room for love to come in. No room to let it out. Boiling rage, because I don't get what I need, truly need, because it's all about what you need. Sometimes I don't even know what I need, and, if I do, I feel to ashamed or afraid to ask for it. It is a tight space, my body constricted, my anger is bad, no one cares anyway about what I feel, no one wants to hear it, they only want to share their own and have me be there for them, so I've learned not to say much, not to give too much away, not to show too much emotion. Anger, sadness, grief, lonliness, wanting to be held and seen, afraid to be held and seen, vicious circle, stuck, stuck, trapped.

Time to kick the door open, stand up in myself, in my power, and hold myself up. Hold myself in my yes and in my no. Even as I take up more space, I feel this heavy weight trying to pull me back, restrain me, keep me safe. Don't be seen, or I'll be attacked and abandoned. Don't have needs. I'm not worthy of what I truly desire, always a struggle, always something to work through.

I am learning to receive, receive the grace that is present. I am learning to be, relinquish the role of healer and caretaker, say fuck you when I need to, speak up, speak out, take up some space. I attempt to avoid being alone when I'm already alone, crying out, yearning for real intimacy and connection. I am not always confident. I am not always strong. I often don't know what to do or what I want and need.

I have been asking God for help, for support, for this love and connection and intimacy that my heart has always sought. With each step, with each relationship, I do feel it coming. Learning to receive. Taking care of myself. People are showing up. People are still standing with me: Anakha, Chris, Gene, Nicole, Dan, Cheri, Johnathan, Karen, Omi. Many others. I am ready to let you in, and to let myself out. It is happening.

Aching Hunger

Deep within me, there is a hunger. A hunger for love, intimacy, connection, belonging, union. I believe that we are all born with this hunger, and that the soul's journey in this lifetime is to find that nourishment, find that way home, fusing this call of the soul to return to wholeness in this body: Heaven and Earth united; desire embodied; sacred union within the self.

My body is alive, pulsing, tingling, breaking open from this hunger. Cells are alive, dancing, screaming out and saying yes: yes to the longing, yes to the desire, yes to ripping off the garments that cover this nakedness and ravishing it, making fervent, passionate love, an erotic feast of the moment, wanting it so badly, peeling back the skin, the flesh, sucking on the heart of the divine oneness until it explodes in orgasmic waves, where flesh and spirit are indiscernible, intertwined, wrapped in a sweaty, breathless embrace.

And, yet, there is also the simple longing, that hollow space within that yearns to be filled, to be met. It grieves for that union, begs for that union, cries out in feverish, desperate gulps and gasps, wanting, wanting, wanting, so alone in its seeking that sometimes it forgets to look back in on itself and realize that it is already whole. That the separation from the desire is an illusion, a trick of the mind. Drop in and feel, feel that hole and dive through it, find the whole by going through that hole. It is that discomfort of going through, that not knowing of what lies on the other side, the illusion and belief that there is nothing there, only more darkness, that sometimes holds me back, holds us back. Our heart's desire is only a breath away, a jump away, a willingness to sit in that discomfort, that unknown, that mid-flight leap of faith where one doesn't know if there will be anything to land on.

I wrote awhile back that addiction creates the illusion that the love received from the wound is somehow more fulfilling than that received from wholeness. It is the willingness to jump through this illusion, without knowing what lies beyond, that leads the way out, the way back in that sacred union.

Such is the dance: having faith in this hunger, following this ache, this yearning, and simultaneously diving into it, becoming it, embracing it. I feel this ache within, feel this pulse within; they both exist, emptiness and aliveness, and it is feasting on both, making love to both, embracing both that creates this sacred union. I keep reminding myself, that it's not out there, it's in here, inside me, in this body. It is so easy to think it's out there, in someone else, in something else: woman, money, cause, purpose, sex, parent, so easy to think, to think, to think, rather than to simply feel, feel, feel what is right here, right now.

Feast on this body, devour it, lick it clean: the sorrow, the joy, the passion, the anger, this banquet that our souls are calling us to gorge upon. The only way out is through, and the divine awaits on the other side.