I've had numerous conversations over the past few days about love, and all of its faces.
One that has been sticking with me was in response to an ex-girlfriend asking me what had been missing for me in our relationship. After talking with her and sitting with our conversation, it struck me that nothing was "missing." I didn't want to be her life partner, but I still loved her; it was just that our relationship had a certain flavor of love, and at the time, being young, inexperienced, naive, and raised in this culture, assumed that the feelings I was having at the time meant that we should be in a romantic relationship. Black or white, friend or partner, either/or.
In hindsight, I realize that what I really wanted was an intimate friendship; to be close with her, spend time together, have fun, etc. However, our culture has a limited scope of how love can be expressed and experienced between two (or three, or even a community) of people. At the time, I tried to put the complexity of my feelings and experiences into one of the acceptable boxes.
I read a book many years ago called "The Future of Love" by Daphne Rose Kingma, where she talks about the myriad of ways that love can be experienced between people. As I'm experiencing true unattachment to how love shows up and from whom, I'm beginning to fully realize and experience this complexity and depth in all my relationships, and truly appreciate each one of them for what it is.
As I reflect on all my relationships, I see how they are all so different; so many nuances, colors, textures, flavors, shapes, and sizes in each one. Some are more intimate, others more playful; some are intellectual, some spiritual, some emotional. In some there's attraction that's simply acknowledged but not engaged; in others it's explored; in several, it's turned into a commitment. Et cetera, et cetera. All different, all unique, so much so that using words like friend, lover, partner, sister, etc. don't really begin to describe the richness and specialness of the relationship. How can love be classified, or reduced to fit?
My current path is learning to receive love. I've been comfortable offering it, but (more or less unconsciously) closed to letting it in. As I do, I'm experiencing a peace, joy, fulfillment, and happiness that I never have before. I'm trusting myself. I'm trusting the Divine. I feel a freedom to choose who I want to connect with and how, rather than based on obligation and attachment. I feel free to let love lead, and discover how it wants to show up in my life - no need to figure it out, to plan, to seek it out; it's already here. No"neediness," no need to control. I'm getting that there is enough for everyone, including me. And, as I allow love to just be, I get exactly what I need.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Getting Bigger
I'm finding it difficult to really articulate what I've been feeling and experiencing lately, but essentially I sense myself coming forth. I've wanted to say it's like coming back from this dark, intense place that I've experienced over the past year plus, but I can't say that I've ever been here before.
I feel a growing sense of peace and contentment, an inner light and joy that is growing brighter. Being here in NY, where I grew up, everything feels new. Having worked the steps, my relationships with my family seem fresh, different. I feel different. I am different. Clear, grounded, connected, present, aware of my desires. I don't care as much about being liked, or as worried about anyone leaving me.
I notice that in the past, I've always taken what I can get, but not exactly known or stood for what I've really wanted; in my work, relationships, finances, health, home, etc.. I've gotten skilled at embracing "what-is," but stopped there, holding back from extraordinary, blissful, ecstatic, from what I really want.
Now, there is no more need to rationalize, to be diplomatic, to be quite so accepting. It's time to go beyond, to embrace my true power and desire for what I want in my life, and in service to the planet.
And so, I'm willing and ready to kick some spiritual ass, to be vibrant, strong, clear, and focused. I'm willing to love relentlessly, fearlessly, and stand in my truth and my desire. I'm willing to play and laugh, to risk, to be myself. I'm willing to be big, to take up space, to say yes, to say no, and to surrender to the Divine. I'm willing to step into my calling to work with men, and to spread the gospel of the mystical erotic! Amen to that, praise the Lord, Hallelujah!
And, I'm literally getting bigger! Brad (www.tridfitness.com/personaltrainers.html) measured me after one month of personal training, and I've put on 5 lbs. of muscle, grown some bigger biceps, and expanded my chest 1-1/2 inches. Embodiment, indeed!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Laying Down the Shield
I sit here tonight, aware of my eyes, unguarded without metal and glass, soft and watery, a little blurry.
It mirrors how I feel inside: vulnerable, soft, layers slipping away. I sense being in a place of transformation, but it seems different - relatively calm, not particularly intense, even graceful. My mind wonders: Am I doing it right? It should look bigger! Where's the drama?!
I'm aware of my layers of defense, this shield of anger and fear that has kept me separate. Little by little, they are slipping away. Underneath, I feel the fear of them being completely dissolved. It's not really a rational fear; what I get when I feel into letting go is a sense that I'm going to be hit, be it by another person, or even by God. Kicked while I'm down. I feel it in my chest, my heart, all the way through my core. A memory before words. I don't even think I've been aware of how deep it's run. I do know that I often feel slightly uncomfortable around people.
I lay on the altar tonight at dance and surrendered another layer. Gentle tears flowed as I opened my body, softened, surrendered. It was a new experience to let go with people around me. One step at a time.
In the midst of this fear, I am experiencing a growing sense of peace and happiness. I am learning to hold both, the light and the shadow, and not get swept away in the darkness. Patience, a new way of being with myself.
I say yes to my intentions of being:
* A visionary who effectively teaches, guides, and creates communal and planetary transformation
* A loving and devoted partner
* Creative, playful, and expressive
* Spiritually conscious
* A passionate presence
* Happy and joy-filled
* Embodied in the mystical and the erotic
I continue to let go and to surrender. I continue to say yes. I continue to open. I continue to love.
And so it is!
It mirrors how I feel inside: vulnerable, soft, layers slipping away. I sense being in a place of transformation, but it seems different - relatively calm, not particularly intense, even graceful. My mind wonders: Am I doing it right? It should look bigger! Where's the drama?!
I'm aware of my layers of defense, this shield of anger and fear that has kept me separate. Little by little, they are slipping away. Underneath, I feel the fear of them being completely dissolved. It's not really a rational fear; what I get when I feel into letting go is a sense that I'm going to be hit, be it by another person, or even by God. Kicked while I'm down. I feel it in my chest, my heart, all the way through my core. A memory before words. I don't even think I've been aware of how deep it's run. I do know that I often feel slightly uncomfortable around people.
I lay on the altar tonight at dance and surrendered another layer. Gentle tears flowed as I opened my body, softened, surrendered. It was a new experience to let go with people around me. One step at a time.
In the midst of this fear, I am experiencing a growing sense of peace and happiness. I am learning to hold both, the light and the shadow, and not get swept away in the darkness. Patience, a new way of being with myself.
I say yes to my intentions of being:
* A visionary who effectively teaches, guides, and creates communal and planetary transformation
* A loving and devoted partner
* Creative, playful, and expressive
* Spiritually conscious
* A passionate presence
* Happy and joy-filled
* Embodied in the mystical and the erotic
I continue to let go and to surrender. I continue to say yes. I continue to open. I continue to love.
And so it is!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Choosing vs. Feeling
It's an interesting conundrum - discerning when to feel and when to choose a different way of being.
I think that it is important to feel, particularly in our culture, where being in the body and fully experiencing emotions and sensations is more uncommon in favor of numbing out or thinking and intellectualizing. I notice the numbing in many forms: substances, TV, work, etc. On the flipside is focusing on choosing a different reality, also often at the expense of being present with what is and disconnecting from the body, getting lost in a vision without root and ground in the physical.
On a personal level, I notice that I can get too stuck in feeling, believing that it's important just to feel for the sake of feeling and being present. When I do this, I often feel stuck and bogged down in the feeling. I noticed this yesterday, when Anakha pointed out to me that I could choose something other than being angry. When she said it, a light bulb went off; I never realized before that there even was a choice, that I could choose to let it go and focus on something else. Maybe it seems obvious, but it never occurred to me before.
I've felt a lot of anger and rage in my life, and still do. Even though it has diminished as I've done work around it, it still does get in the way for me from becoming free. It becomes a shield, a way to stay stuck, a safe place. I definitely feel vulnerable when I move into choosing something else.
I think I've felt enough anger in my life to not have to feel it any more. It is time to let it go and focus on what I want, and let go of the past. It is time to trust. It is time to open.
I think that it is important to feel, particularly in our culture, where being in the body and fully experiencing emotions and sensations is more uncommon in favor of numbing out or thinking and intellectualizing. I notice the numbing in many forms: substances, TV, work, etc. On the flipside is focusing on choosing a different reality, also often at the expense of being present with what is and disconnecting from the body, getting lost in a vision without root and ground in the physical.
On a personal level, I notice that I can get too stuck in feeling, believing that it's important just to feel for the sake of feeling and being present. When I do this, I often feel stuck and bogged down in the feeling. I noticed this yesterday, when Anakha pointed out to me that I could choose something other than being angry. When she said it, a light bulb went off; I never realized before that there even was a choice, that I could choose to let it go and focus on something else. Maybe it seems obvious, but it never occurred to me before.
I've felt a lot of anger and rage in my life, and still do. Even though it has diminished as I've done work around it, it still does get in the way for me from becoming free. It becomes a shield, a way to stay stuck, a safe place. I definitely feel vulnerable when I move into choosing something else.
I think I've felt enough anger in my life to not have to feel it any more. It is time to let it go and focus on what I want, and let go of the past. It is time to trust. It is time to open.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Stepping into Vision
As I sit down to blog, I'm aware of many different thoughts and experiences . . .
Doing my 9th step (making amends to those I've harmed), and feeling both humble and free, like weights are being lifted. Connecting with people intimately, revealing myself, being vulnerable. Still a few more people left to make amends with; interestingly enough, I feel most afraid of making amends with myself.
Having a sense of being stripped down, like the past, who I've been, how I've been, is gone. Nothing really seems familiar right now. Being born again, reinvented, starting clean and fresh. Cultivating a deeper sense of faith and trust. Not knowing how I was going to pay my rent this month (the first time I've ever been in that position), and coming through today, just in time! The world wide open, endless possibilities. Interesting that all this coincides with the Jewish new year, which is today. At least with doing my steps I'm ahead of the curve of Yom Kippur (atoning for sins), which is coming up towards the end of next week ;)
Feeling bursts of creative energy, feeling more excited, happier, more peaceful. Today, coming across the current issue of "What is Enlightenment?," which is about the direction of men and masculinity, and feeling inspired, connected to a deeper sense of purpose and resonance. I know that this is an essential part of my work, and I've also been noticing it when I work with clients, how energized and excited I feel from our work together.
Not knowing, not needing to know. Listening to guidance. Trusting. Choosing vision over "damage." Choosing to be open, especially when I want to close down. Loving the moment, loving what is. Finding the joy and excitement. These are my current lessons, and they are becoming easier as I practice.
Doing my 9th step (making amends to those I've harmed), and feeling both humble and free, like weights are being lifted. Connecting with people intimately, revealing myself, being vulnerable. Still a few more people left to make amends with; interestingly enough, I feel most afraid of making amends with myself.
Having a sense of being stripped down, like the past, who I've been, how I've been, is gone. Nothing really seems familiar right now. Being born again, reinvented, starting clean and fresh. Cultivating a deeper sense of faith and trust. Not knowing how I was going to pay my rent this month (the first time I've ever been in that position), and coming through today, just in time! The world wide open, endless possibilities. Interesting that all this coincides with the Jewish new year, which is today. At least with doing my steps I'm ahead of the curve of Yom Kippur (atoning for sins), which is coming up towards the end of next week ;)
Feeling bursts of creative energy, feeling more excited, happier, more peaceful. Today, coming across the current issue of "What is Enlightenment?," which is about the direction of men and masculinity, and feeling inspired, connected to a deeper sense of purpose and resonance. I know that this is an essential part of my work, and I've also been noticing it when I work with clients, how energized and excited I feel from our work together.
Not knowing, not needing to know. Listening to guidance. Trusting. Choosing vision over "damage." Choosing to be open, especially when I want to close down. Loving the moment, loving what is. Finding the joy and excitement. These are my current lessons, and they are becoming easier as I practice.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sacred Union of the Self
Something struck me during our gathering tonight as we visioned together; the experience of experiencing the beloved that lives within me.
For most of my life, I've sought someone outside of myself, usually a woman, to feel whole and complete. While I've known intellectually that the Sacred Union must occur within, I've had relatively little experience of embodying it. I also get that whatever dance has been happening in my relationships has been my internal push/pull and fear of intimacy projected outwards, and that going within is the place to create a shift, again something that I've known but am now experiencing.
As I've become more aware of and present with the emptiness that I sense inside myself, as well as with how I've used sex and relationship to fill it (as well as fantasy and projection to avoid it), something is shifting inside me. A sense of completeness, of solidity, of richness. It's been flickering in and out over the past couple of weeks, gradually getting brighter and stronger. Tonight, the sense feels more stable and rooted. For one of the few times in my life, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship (or even feel ready to be in one).
After the guided visioning process, I realized that my vision right now is to fully experience and embody this inner Sacred Union, all parts of myself unifying into a clear channel and vessel, as well as a pillar of strength. While I don't quite know where this path will lead, I have a sense that it will be an important part of what I teach. Regardless, I feel excited and energized when I connect with this vision (and my inner critic telling me that it seems too easy and fun to be a bonafide and worthy vision). I have been wanting to connect with this place for a long time, and have not felt, or been, ready until now.
Tonight, as I step into the unknown, letting go of the how and trusting the call, I feel ready. Ready to surrender control, ready to create, ready to love.
I am ready.
For most of my life, I've sought someone outside of myself, usually a woman, to feel whole and complete. While I've known intellectually that the Sacred Union must occur within, I've had relatively little experience of embodying it. I also get that whatever dance has been happening in my relationships has been my internal push/pull and fear of intimacy projected outwards, and that going within is the place to create a shift, again something that I've known but am now experiencing.
As I've become more aware of and present with the emptiness that I sense inside myself, as well as with how I've used sex and relationship to fill it (as well as fantasy and projection to avoid it), something is shifting inside me. A sense of completeness, of solidity, of richness. It's been flickering in and out over the past couple of weeks, gradually getting brighter and stronger. Tonight, the sense feels more stable and rooted. For one of the few times in my life, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship (or even feel ready to be in one).
After the guided visioning process, I realized that my vision right now is to fully experience and embody this inner Sacred Union, all parts of myself unifying into a clear channel and vessel, as well as a pillar of strength. While I don't quite know where this path will lead, I have a sense that it will be an important part of what I teach. Regardless, I feel excited and energized when I connect with this vision (and my inner critic telling me that it seems too easy and fun to be a bonafide and worthy vision). I have been wanting to connect with this place for a long time, and have not felt, or been, ready until now.
Tonight, as I step into the unknown, letting go of the how and trusting the call, I feel ready. Ready to surrender control, ready to create, ready to love.
I am ready.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
New Endings, New Beginnings
I sit here tonight, tired, relaxed, energy streaming throughout my body, releasing, clearing after a day in the sun, swimming in the river, mangoes, raspberries, deepening friendships, heart opening . . .
I'm not really just tired from today though . . . over the past two days, seeing the truth of my addictions and how they impact me, impact my life, impact my relationships with others. And so tonight, things seem both clear and fuzzy, settled and unsettled, comfortable and uncomfortable, simple and complex. In truth, there is always paradox . . .
I see how my addiction to relationship and sex has been a core theme in my life since my teens, trying to fill the emptiness inside me with someone else. This lonely, desperate place that craves, needs, hungers . . . it often keeps me from truly seeing another; sometimes, I can only focus on wanting them to want me, to need me, to be sexual with me, so trying to get something that I can't really be present with the person right in front of me. In that, I try and force, try and fix, try, try, try because I don't want to feel the emptiness, want to fill the hole inside, make me whole, make me ok, make me worthy, make me feel alive.
In this, I have hurt others. I have always been as honest as I could be, but I haven't been completely, because I haven't been truly honest with myself. I have selfishly given to others, in hopes of receiving their love, their desire, in getting them to want me. I have been sexual out of this addicted place, so focused on getting the "fix" that I miss the connection, the place where deeper intimacy is possible, and many times have found myself pouting, feeling resentful, or retreating, unable to be present with the underlying feelings. It has left me confused, angry, frustrated, and others the same way - what happened to the connection? And yet, that's what I most want, what my soul wants . . . the intimate, loving, authentic connection.
This addiction impacts my life, keeps me from focusing on other passions and pursuits, pulls me away from available intimacy with friends, and consumes my thoughts much more than I want it to. At times, I have become obsessed, lost in the fantasy, projecting, objectifying, putting someone in the "God" role and failing to see who they really are, only what they can do for me, or what I think they can do for me. It has kept me from my direct connection with God.
As I have finally told myself the truth, I feel a lot: shame, self-judgment, fear, anger . . . I am sad that I have hurt others, used others, been manipulative, indirect . . . I am sad that I have hurt myself, and wasted as much life energy as I have trying to fill this empty place, and missed out on real, authentic connection - with myself, with others, and with the Divine. I also feel compassion for myself - for my courage to face and admit the truth, for doing my best, and for my humanness. I no longer need to be perfect. I can make mistakes, learn from them, do what needs to be done to come into integrity.
And, I am grateful for the women throughout my life who have stayed in connection with me, who have forgiven me, who have been loving, compassionate, and understanding, and who I know are committed to staying in my life, regardless. I realize now that I have more to say to some of them, and I feel both fear and excitement at the possibility of having a deeper connection based on the truth.
And, I feel relief. Relief that I don't need or want to play this game any more, that I know the truth, that I can go directly to the source. I feel a new sense of freedom, lightness, and power.
I am taking time to be present, to feel this empty place, noticing the craving, and make different choices. I feel a lot of energy clearing, head swirling, discomfort. I feel my life changing, and some sense that my life up until now has been a lie. And, in part it has. This is the hard truth.
And now, something new can be born. I am ready to face and stand in all that I have avoided and run from. I am ready to be honest with myself. I am ready to be honest with others. I am ready to share real, authentic love. I am ready to start again.
I'm not really just tired from today though . . . over the past two days, seeing the truth of my addictions and how they impact me, impact my life, impact my relationships with others. And so tonight, things seem both clear and fuzzy, settled and unsettled, comfortable and uncomfortable, simple and complex. In truth, there is always paradox . . .
I see how my addiction to relationship and sex has been a core theme in my life since my teens, trying to fill the emptiness inside me with someone else. This lonely, desperate place that craves, needs, hungers . . . it often keeps me from truly seeing another; sometimes, I can only focus on wanting them to want me, to need me, to be sexual with me, so trying to get something that I can't really be present with the person right in front of me. In that, I try and force, try and fix, try, try, try because I don't want to feel the emptiness, want to fill the hole inside, make me whole, make me ok, make me worthy, make me feel alive.
In this, I have hurt others. I have always been as honest as I could be, but I haven't been completely, because I haven't been truly honest with myself. I have selfishly given to others, in hopes of receiving their love, their desire, in getting them to want me. I have been sexual out of this addicted place, so focused on getting the "fix" that I miss the connection, the place where deeper intimacy is possible, and many times have found myself pouting, feeling resentful, or retreating, unable to be present with the underlying feelings. It has left me confused, angry, frustrated, and others the same way - what happened to the connection? And yet, that's what I most want, what my soul wants . . . the intimate, loving, authentic connection.
This addiction impacts my life, keeps me from focusing on other passions and pursuits, pulls me away from available intimacy with friends, and consumes my thoughts much more than I want it to. At times, I have become obsessed, lost in the fantasy, projecting, objectifying, putting someone in the "God" role and failing to see who they really are, only what they can do for me, or what I think they can do for me. It has kept me from my direct connection with God.
As I have finally told myself the truth, I feel a lot: shame, self-judgment, fear, anger . . . I am sad that I have hurt others, used others, been manipulative, indirect . . . I am sad that I have hurt myself, and wasted as much life energy as I have trying to fill this empty place, and missed out on real, authentic connection - with myself, with others, and with the Divine. I also feel compassion for myself - for my courage to face and admit the truth, for doing my best, and for my humanness. I no longer need to be perfect. I can make mistakes, learn from them, do what needs to be done to come into integrity.
And, I am grateful for the women throughout my life who have stayed in connection with me, who have forgiven me, who have been loving, compassionate, and understanding, and who I know are committed to staying in my life, regardless. I realize now that I have more to say to some of them, and I feel both fear and excitement at the possibility of having a deeper connection based on the truth.
And, I feel relief. Relief that I don't need or want to play this game any more, that I know the truth, that I can go directly to the source. I feel a new sense of freedom, lightness, and power.
I am taking time to be present, to feel this empty place, noticing the craving, and make different choices. I feel a lot of energy clearing, head swirling, discomfort. I feel my life changing, and some sense that my life up until now has been a lie. And, in part it has. This is the hard truth.
And now, something new can be born. I am ready to face and stand in all that I have avoided and run from. I am ready to be honest with myself. I am ready to be honest with others. I am ready to share real, authentic love. I am ready to start again.
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