Simply Being

Bittersweet . . . stillness . . . sadness . . . peace . . . contentment . . . joy . . . relaxing into the now, the present, the presence, a soft landing, a gentle glide on the calm surface of the lake. No distractions, no hiding, no running. Fear is present, but it just simply is; it doesn't really mean anything. There is a grace in it's presence.

I was listening to a recording by writer Natalie Goldberg last night. She was talking about how one never overcomes anything; one simply befriends it. I feel that way now; befriending all that is in each moment, allowing it to be. Somehow, it comforts each thought, each sensation, each emotion, caressing it, seeing it, feeling it.

Underneath, I feel a well of power, of strength, of clarity. That deep connection to essence, to spirit, to source, to self, to creation. It is like a deep surrender into a bed of outstretched arms, catching me as I fall backwards. No control, no forcing, no effort.

In the past, I had this idea that being powerful meant doing something, taking action, being strong. I'm discovering now that, at least for myself, it comes through surrendering, letting go, and being present.

I feel grateful tonight. For myself, for my life, for my friends, community, home, work, family, body, health, spirit, mind. Something new is arising. A new way of being. A new way of relating. A new way of living. A new way of loving.

I am grateful.

Healing the Masculine

As I sit down tonight to write, I am very aware of what means to be a man in today's world. How few role models there are, and how few there have been. Of the disowned, disembodied power, of the disconnect from the emotional body, of the limited relational and intimacy skills, of the shame, suppression, and often misdirected sexual energy. I see and have seen these aspects of myself, and in probably every man I've ever met. I have seen many men struggle with addiction, with a sense of powerlessness, with relationship, with homophobia, with right livelihood, with identity, and with purpose.

I have been struggling lately around my own purpose and coming from my authentic depth, and I realized tonight how terrified I am of fully stepping into my full power and potential. One on hand, I recognize what I am here to do, and sense the wholeness of who I'm becoming and destined to become. On the other, I just want to run and hide. Abort the mission. Go deliver pizza, have light, casual relationships, watch TV, and play video games.

Yet, I have been choosing to keep stepping into my purpose and power. It has been a long road, and I have taken many steps thus far. Now, it's time to jump, to take the leap of faith, to divine in as far as I can.

In the face of this choice, I feel angry. Angry at God, angry at myself, angry at all the people and situations that I've had to overcome. The questions comes up, "Why me? Why the fuck do I have to do this?" Sure, I have a choice, but I don't really. When truth comes knocking, when spirit calls, I know that I need to answer, that true satisfaction and happiness comes from listening to and living that deep knowing of who I am and why I'm here.

In the face of my fear, in the face of my anger and resentment, I will continue to choose this love. I am passionate about serving men. I am passionate about our awakening, transformation, and embodiment of essence. I am passionate about creating and embodying a healthy, whole, integrated masculine. I am passionate about healing the disconnection between the masculine and the feminine. I am passionate about being alive, awake, present, ecstatic. I am passionate about honoring and aligning our sexuality and spirituality, of unifying heaven and earth, and of the embodiment of God. It's time to bring it all forth, and so it shall be.

Amen.

Nothing To Do

In the place of surrender, there is nothing to do. Nothing that is supposed to happen, nowhere to be, no one in particular to engage in this nothingness with.

Rather, it is a place of presence, of beingness, of ease, grace, and flow. From this place of nothing, anything can arise. As I relax into this place, as I release all control and effort, things begin to emerge: desire, willingness, inspired action. The spirit of God begins to work through me, awakening my body, arousing my passions, bringing forth my soul's purpose and calling. I move without walking, speak without needing to utter a sound, work without working.

I didn't set out to accomplish anything today, didn't have any external goals, wasn't trying to achieve anything, and yet things happened. A workshop was brought into form, a healing and awakening occurred, ideas were birthed, text written, connections made, intimacy transpired, tasks completed, food cooked. Yet, I feel like I didn't really do anything to make any of it happen. It just did. I feel both alive and relaxed, almost surreal. How did all these things happen? Did I just dream it all up? And yet, the proof surrounds me that it was all real. All I did was let go.

This place is about allowing, about doing the backstroke amidst the river of life, about being moved rather than moving. It is about saying, "Take me, use me, play me. I am yours, divine will. I surrender." While I do feel some sadness tonight, I also feel full and connected, like I've made contact with a part of myself that I've been missing for a while. Perhaps this sadness is really a grieving of this separation.

Whatever the reason, I am choosing to continue to do nothing, instead allowing myself to be done, to be undone, to give it all up and over to the whim of source and to my soul. Take me.

Finding God

God
I woke up this morning and realized
That yours is the face I've been looking for

All this time
All this searching
And you were right here
All along

I thought I'd find it in the face of other
In place
In purpose
In meaning

I kept looking
Without seeing
Hearing
Without listening
Doing
Without feeling

While all this time
You were waiting
Waiting patiently
To enter my heart

It takes no effort
But simply to ask
Just ask
And you are here
Inside me

As my heart spills open
I feel you pouring in
Blissful fullness
Needing nothing
Embracing everything
In love
With life
In love
With you
In love
With me

In love
As love
With love

I love you
I love myself
I love myself
I love you

Amen

Prayer

God
Show me the way

I stand before you naked
Afraid
Longing
Filled with blocked desire
Lukewarm love
Guarded heart
Rigid mind

Open my heart, God
All the way open
No protection
No control
Full surrender
To your will
To my desire
To love

Infuse me with desire
So that it will never wash out
Or fade away
Drench me with it
Pour it on
So that I may never forget
Who I am
Why I am here

Show me the way
I will follow your lead
I ask for your help
For your direction
Make me your instrument
And I will sing

Open my heart to receive
All I have asked for
Open my soul
To receive my truth
And give me the courage
To follow it

I am yours, God
I will fight no longer
I don't know the way
I don't know how to do this
And I'm tired of trying
To figure it out
To force it
To control it
I don't know

Tell me the way
I am listening

Bring me home
To the joy that once flowed through me
To the passion
To the aliveness
To the bliss
To the ease
To the love
To the desire
Unobstructed
Unrestrained
With wild abandon

I have been asking
But not receiving
I have been forcing
But not allowing
Thinking that it is up to me to make it manifest
And now
I surrender it all to you
Help me say yes
To why I came
Help me say yes
To what you have promised
Help me say yes
To what I have promised
Uninhibited desire
Fierce, fearless love
Open heart
Relaxed mind

I am ready
Take me
Take me open

I am yours
I am awake
I am present
I am listening
I am ready
I am

Amen

Embodied Presence

There are many levels and faces of presence. Many people equate presence with "being here now," "being in the moment," and "showing up," among many other definitions.

One form of presence is about noticing what's true in the moment and being with it. Being aware of the body, of the breath, of emotions, of environment. Within that field, there are many degrees of presence. Noticing and awareness is one. Expressing or communicating what is noticed is another. Focusing on the moment is a third. And countless others . . .

I have practiced this form for many years. I am often aware of what I'm sensing/noticing, and can communicate it (save sometimes for certain intense moments when I freeze up). I am often able to be with what is happening and accept the truth of my experience in the moment. I can sit and meditate and find the stillness of the moment.

However, in this form, I find there is a disconnect; while I can notice and express, there is a way that it is limited to a mental experience. I can talk the talk, say the right words, tell the stories, but I am not necessarily felt, either by myself or another. My presence is seen, but not embodied.

Embodied presence is more than words; it is energy. It is the difference between saying that I'm angry and showing that I am angry. It is the difference between saying that I'm sad and crying. It is the difference between saying that I'm happy with a blank face and smiling broadly. One can feel the emotional state. Often, words aren't even needed.

This is the form I am practicing. It takes us beyond our minds and into our bodies. It brings forth clarity and directness. It is an extremely honest way of communicating (something like 70+% of all communication is non-verbal). When both the awareness and the embodiment are combined, we heal the disconnect between the masculine and the feminine. We become integrated. We can make clearer, healthier choices and take full responsibility for our actions. Otherwise, we end up acting out via the parts/emotions that we can't feel.

I had this experience today in a counseling session, moving back and forth between expressing rage (through hitting a pillow with a raquet) and terror (bowing my body backwards and wailing). The more I felt and expressed the emotion (rather than just notice it), the more connected to it I became. Energy began streaming through my body, and it became even more alive. The embodiment, the expression, brought the awareness to life. By the time I left, I was fully present. I was there, all of me. Presence showed through my body, not just my eyes and face. I felt myself and my aliveness, and I was felt by other.

This is the call of our spiritual evolution: to show up not just in awareness, but in body and being. To get beyond the mind and into the body. Through exercise. Through connecting with and expressing emotion. Through bodywork. Through allowing the abundant energy that surrounds us to flow through. Through fusing the spiritual, mental, and emotional bodies. Through breath. Through intention to show and express what's true in each moment. This is how we create true healing, integrate the disconnected aspects of our selves (and our world), and become fully alive. I invite you to join me.

I Am

In the past, I've disowned my power. Angry at others for not giving me when I want (while I've been passive, passive-aggressive, indirect, wishy-washy, and sulky about expressing myself), I've experienced a state of powerlessness, of victimization, of frustration, and rage.

I've developed strategies for rationalizing away my desires, my wants, my needs, and my self-expression. Staying stuck in my mind, trying to figure and sort out what's "appropriate," being careful and cautious, controlling my experience so as to also control others', I've played small, waiting for someone else to give me the power and permission to be myself, take care of me, and give me what I desire.

I see now that I need to claim what I want, stand in my truth, and go for it, following my inner and divine direction, asking for what I want and need, and being willing to deal with the consequences: rejection, hearing "no," upsetting someone else, having someone leave or not like me, and so on. A bunch of bullshit, basically.

Well, fuck that. This is what I want, and this is who I am:

I am passionate, powerful, clear, direct, honest, and authentic.

I speak my truth, without controlling or minimizing my words and expression. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know what I want, and I do it and/or ask for it.

I am alive, free, happy, joyous, and creative.

I take a stand for what I believe in.

I support and encourage others to be honest, authentic, powerful, and passionate. I say what I see and notice in them.

I say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no.

I create exciting, passionate, fun, creative, dynamic relationships.

I generate and allow my own life force to flow fully in my body and in my being.

I make clear choices in alignment with my vision, divine guidance, and desire.

I am connected to my truth and knowing.

I am present in my body and being.

I am open, vulnerable, compassionate, attuned, sensitive, and strong.

I create and manifest my deepest desires. I trust that each moment is perfect. I choose how I act in each moment, and how I respond to what's happening in each moment.

I am awake, alert, erotic.

I am the creator of my experience.

I am connected to my divinity.

I am alive.

I am.