New Endings, New Beginnings

I sit here tonight, tired, relaxed, energy streaming throughout my body, releasing, clearing after a day in the sun, swimming in the river, mangoes, raspberries, deepening friendships, heart opening . . .

I'm not really just tired from today though . . . over the past two days, seeing the truth of my addictions and how they impact me, impact my life, impact my relationships with others. And so tonight, things seem both clear and fuzzy, settled and unsettled, comfortable and uncomfortable, simple and complex. In truth, there is always paradox . . .

I see how my addiction to relationship and sex has been a core theme in my life since my teens, trying to fill the emptiness inside me with someone else. This lonely, desperate place that craves, needs, hungers . . . it often keeps me from truly seeing another; sometimes, I can only focus on wanting them to want me, to need me, to be sexual with me, so trying to get something that I can't really be present with the person right in front of me. In that, I try and force, try and fix, try, try, try because I don't want to feel the emptiness, want to fill the hole inside, make me whole, make me ok, make me worthy, make me feel alive.

In this, I have hurt others. I have always been as honest as I could be, but I haven't been completely, because I haven't been truly honest with myself. I have selfishly given to others, in hopes of receiving their love, their desire, in getting them to want me. I have been sexual out of this addicted place, so focused on getting the "fix" that I miss the connection, the place where deeper intimacy is possible, and many times have found myself pouting, feeling resentful, or retreating, unable to be present with the underlying feelings. It has left me confused, angry, frustrated, and others the same way - what happened to the connection? And yet, that's what I most want, what my soul wants . . . the intimate, loving, authentic connection.

This addiction impacts my life, keeps me from focusing on other passions and pursuits, pulls me away from available intimacy with friends, and consumes my thoughts much more than I want it to. At times, I have become obsessed, lost in the fantasy, projecting, objectifying, putting someone in the "God" role and failing to see who they really are, only what they can do for me, or what I think they can do for me. It has kept me from my direct connection with God.

As I have finally told myself the truth, I feel a lot: shame, self-judgment, fear, anger . . . I am sad that I have hurt others, used others, been manipulative, indirect . . . I am sad that I have hurt myself, and wasted as much life energy as I have trying to fill this empty place, and missed out on real, authentic connection - with myself, with others, and with the Divine. I also feel compassion for myself - for my courage to face and admit the truth, for doing my best, and for my humanness. I no longer need to be perfect. I can make mistakes, learn from them, do what needs to be done to come into integrity.

And, I am grateful for the women throughout my life who have stayed in connection with me, who have forgiven me, who have been loving, compassionate, and understanding, and who I know are committed to staying in my life, regardless. I realize now that I have more to say to some of them, and I feel both fear and excitement at the possibility of having a deeper connection based on the truth.

And, I feel relief. Relief that I don't need or want to play this game any more, that I know the truth, that I can go directly to the source. I feel a new sense of freedom, lightness, and power.

I am taking time to be present, to feel this empty place, noticing the craving, and make different choices. I feel a lot of energy clearing, head swirling, discomfort. I feel my life changing, and some sense that my life up until now has been a lie. And, in part it has. This is the hard truth.

And now, something new can be born. I am ready to face and stand in all that I have avoided and run from. I am ready to be honest with myself. I am ready to be honest with others. I am ready to share real, authentic love. I am ready to start again.

Kundalini Awakening

3 am
Body on fire

What is this energy
Blowing me open?

Dissolving numbness
I feel too much
Like an explosion inside each cell

I want it
I don't want it

Allow it to take me over
Out of control
To whatever lies beyond
That I've avoided all this time

Passion
Joy
Freedom
Ecstasy
Bliss

Unbridled vulnerability
No armor

With each breath I allow
With each breath I surrender
As the breath of God
Breathes life into this soul

I surrender
To this love