Alone in the Shadow

I'm not quite sure how to start this blog. Anakha and I were talking earlier: I had just read her blog, in which she exposed her deepest vulnerability in revealing her essential shadow. It was truly moving, beautifully heart-wrenching, and preciously innocent. She was telling me how her doubt in being so nakedly exposed, yet after reading it I felt even more love, respect, and admiration for her, with no judgment whatsoever. As we are both on this quest for love and wholeness, for seeking authentic truth and finding the courage to fully show up in this world and in these times, she invited me to do the same: to reveal my own shadow. As I wish to stand with her in coming forth, and as I wish to stand with all of you in the truth of who I am, I will speak about my own shadow. This is not the time to hide. It is time to stand in the truth: the truth of our pain and suffering. This is the only way it can be healed.

I have always felt alone in this world. Separate. Apart. Much of my childhood was spent alone, often in my room. Hiding from my father, from his rage, believing that I was the source, the reason for all his pain, that it was all my fault. I was the problem. There was something wrong with me. Trying to heal my mother, in her pain and neediness, but never being able to give her enough: enough for her to want me, to love me. Being good, being nice and sweet, suppressing my own needs, my own anger, because otherwise she'd leave. There was no room for me, no space to be myself. I became really good at containing myself: trying to do everything right and perfect, controlling my behavior, being careful and cautious, because otherwise I'd be punished. Trying to please, trying to give, thinking that if I gave enough that one day I would get back the love that I so desperately wanted. My worth is in what I offer to others, not who I am.

Part of me, a deep part, still feels alone. I feel afraid to show up fully because you might want or need something from me: my desire, my attention, my energy. I can't say no, because I'll lose you, hurt you, or both. So I stay back, detached, aloof. Instead I give, because I want to be worthy. I want you to love me back, to hold me, but even if you do, I can't let it in. Too much. You might want something, take advantage of me, use me. I feel angry at you because I expect you to take care of me, even though I won't let you, because I sometimes don't know how to take care of myself.

There is nowhere to move. No space, except here in this empty place. No room for love to come in. No room to let it out. Boiling rage, because I don't get what I need, truly need, because it's all about what you need. Sometimes I don't even know what I need, and, if I do, I feel to ashamed or afraid to ask for it. It is a tight space, my body constricted, my anger is bad, no one cares anyway about what I feel, no one wants to hear it, they only want to share their own and have me be there for them, so I've learned not to say much, not to give too much away, not to show too much emotion. Anger, sadness, grief, lonliness, wanting to be held and seen, afraid to be held and seen, vicious circle, stuck, stuck, trapped.

Time to kick the door open, stand up in myself, in my power, and hold myself up. Hold myself in my yes and in my no. Even as I take up more space, I feel this heavy weight trying to pull me back, restrain me, keep me safe. Don't be seen, or I'll be attacked and abandoned. Don't have needs. I'm not worthy of what I truly desire, always a struggle, always something to work through.

I am learning to receive, receive the grace that is present. I am learning to be, relinquish the role of healer and caretaker, say fuck you when I need to, speak up, speak out, take up some space. I attempt to avoid being alone when I'm already alone, crying out, yearning for real intimacy and connection. I am not always confident. I am not always strong. I often don't know what to do or what I want and need.

I have been asking God for help, for support, for this love and connection and intimacy that my heart has always sought. With each step, with each relationship, I do feel it coming. Learning to receive. Taking care of myself. People are showing up. People are still standing with me: Anakha, Chris, Gene, Nicole, Dan, Cheri, Johnathan, Karen, Omi. Many others. I am ready to let you in, and to let myself out. It is happening.

Aching Hunger

Deep within me, there is a hunger. A hunger for love, intimacy, connection, belonging, union. I believe that we are all born with this hunger, and that the soul's journey in this lifetime is to find that nourishment, find that way home, fusing this call of the soul to return to wholeness in this body: Heaven and Earth united; desire embodied; sacred union within the self.

My body is alive, pulsing, tingling, breaking open from this hunger. Cells are alive, dancing, screaming out and saying yes: yes to the longing, yes to the desire, yes to ripping off the garments that cover this nakedness and ravishing it, making fervent, passionate love, an erotic feast of the moment, wanting it so badly, peeling back the skin, the flesh, sucking on the heart of the divine oneness until it explodes in orgasmic waves, where flesh and spirit are indiscernible, intertwined, wrapped in a sweaty, breathless embrace.

And, yet, there is also the simple longing, that hollow space within that yearns to be filled, to be met. It grieves for that union, begs for that union, cries out in feverish, desperate gulps and gasps, wanting, wanting, wanting, so alone in its seeking that sometimes it forgets to look back in on itself and realize that it is already whole. That the separation from the desire is an illusion, a trick of the mind. Drop in and feel, feel that hole and dive through it, find the whole by going through that hole. It is that discomfort of going through, that not knowing of what lies on the other side, the illusion and belief that there is nothing there, only more darkness, that sometimes holds me back, holds us back. Our heart's desire is only a breath away, a jump away, a willingness to sit in that discomfort, that unknown, that mid-flight leap of faith where one doesn't know if there will be anything to land on.

I wrote awhile back that addiction creates the illusion that the love received from the wound is somehow more fulfilling than that received from wholeness. It is the willingness to jump through this illusion, without knowing what lies beyond, that leads the way out, the way back in that sacred union.

Such is the dance: having faith in this hunger, following this ache, this yearning, and simultaneously diving into it, becoming it, embracing it. I feel this ache within, feel this pulse within; they both exist, emptiness and aliveness, and it is feasting on both, making love to both, embracing both that creates this sacred union. I keep reminding myself, that it's not out there, it's in here, inside me, in this body. It is so easy to think it's out there, in someone else, in something else: woman, money, cause, purpose, sex, parent, so easy to think, to think, to think, rather than to simply feel, feel, feel what is right here, right now.

Feast on this body, devour it, lick it clean: the sorrow, the joy, the passion, the anger, this banquet that our souls are calling us to gorge upon. The only way out is through, and the divine awaits on the other side.

Speaking Out of the Soul

Over the past nine months or so, I've been called to stand up fully in myself: in my power, in my truth, in my authenticity, in my vulnerability, in bringing my gifts forth. I've asked for it: I look around and see things that appall me, frighten me, piss me off: apathy, numbness, violence, lies, manipulation. I see them in myself as well: the ways I hide, ways I intellectualize, judge, blame, attempt to control. Yet, I know that there is something beyond this, a way of living and being that we are capable of, full of love and compassion, generosity, fierceness of spirit, passion, joy, creativity.

Ok, fuck that . . . I feel a rising in my soul, a heat in my body, a fire in my heart, that demands, calls for, cries out for a showing up: a showing up in me, a showing up in you, a willingness to speak up for what is real, what is whole, what is vital for us as humans. Not in a fearful, "we're all gonna die" way, but in a "wake the fuck up" kind of way, a way that knows what is possible, that all we need to do is reach out and grab it, follow this heart's desire and take a stand. I'm tired of running and hiding, of doing the safe things, and when I look around and see $4 for a gallon of gas when I know there's no shortage, when my friend in prison is being medicated rather than educated and rehabilitated, when people I love are choosing sex, drugs, and alcohol over bringing forth the amazing gifts that they have offer, it fucking pisses me off. I'm tired of being silent, of choosing the little battles instead of the ones that matter, of pretending that it doesn't matter when it really does. It matters to me when you hurt yourself, because I love you, because I see you, because I need what you have to offer underneath all your shame and self-pity. I can't do this alone, we can't do this alone, and I don't want to give up like I have in the past, thinking that it's all hopeless, that no one cares.

Well, I care. It matters to me. Do what you want, choose what you want, but I refuse to hide my desire, my yearning, my knowing. I will speak out, and I want you to speak out, because you see it just as much as I do. It's not about who I vote for, or if I build a house out of straw, eat edamame or ride a bike. It's about having the courage to confront myself, to face my shadow and dance with it, to embrace my light and dance with it, and to free myself. I say these things not out of judgment, but of desire, of love, of passion, of innocence, original innocence, of a knowing of who I am beneath all the bullshit, of a seeing of who we are beneath the lies we tell ourselves. Light this fire, raise this fire, fan this fire into an inferno of relentless passion that will incinerate, fortify, and temper all that is not pure, all that doesn't serve, all that stands in the way between us and that field that Rumi speaks of, between us and Eden. This is not a path for the faint of heart, but we are not faint of heart, not really. As I feel this pulsing in my body as I write, as I speak the words that I have held inside, as the desire rises within me, my heart is opening, expanding, and as it does, my breath begins to tighten, to clamp down, to protect and restrain because what might happen if I let go, if I give myself over to the divine, to this deeper knowing? What will I lose, what else might I suffer? It is time to stop asking these questions and do it anyway, to take that breath, to speak those words, and as I do, things heat up a little more, the tears that were held back begin to flow, this damped down love, this suppressed anger that fuels passion gets a little bigger, and says no. No more games. No more hiding. I refuse to let myself play small, I refuse to withhold all that I have to offer you, I refuse to let you hurt yourself, and I'm pissed at how I want your approval, at how I want you to like me, and needing to be good and nice and sweet when I truth I want to shake you and I want you to shake me, to go into that darkness together because I've been doing it alone for so long, and I'm tired, so tired, so frustrated of letting this beauty go ungiven and I'm tired of letting you get away with your smallness because I'm scared of how you'll react.

A client came to me recently and bared himself to me, revealed his truth and vulnerability, and when I told him how much I appreciated his willingness to dive right in, he said that he didn't know if he'd get another ride after this lifetime, so why not fully take and use this one? There is no waiting until we're ready, there is no maybe, and it's time to dive right it, to take that stand, to say yes, because otherwise what the fuck am I doing here? Otherwise, I'm just wasting both of our time, both of our lives, and I'm selling us all out.

As I feel into my body, I feel my heart soft yet burning, feeling all the hope and excitement and pain and breathing it in, breathing it all in, surrendering to love's deepest call, to my soul's deepest call, fully knowing what is possible, fully feeling the magnitude of life, of being alive, of what a gift it is to be here and have this chance to experience the ecstasy of being in this body on this planet. I offer you this vision, and as I rise, as I awaken, as I stand in the truth of who I am, and I feel this truth in my bones, blood, and skin, I feel God's promise being delivered with each step, with each breath. Come with me, dive in with me, step through this illusion, there is so much love beyond the curtain, beyond the veil of lies. If we stand in this darkness together, if we stand in this discomfort together, if we speak the truth together, the truth of who we are, the truth of what we desire, we can burn it all way, light up this dark night, and create and birth this love. I will stand with you, at your side, at your back, holding you, loving you through this dark night. This I promise. I am here to stay, I will not give up. Say yes, say no, say whatever you need to say, but I am saying yes. Breathe with me. We will learn together, discover together, and create together, play together, love together. There is no need to hide any longer, to run any longer. Say yes. See what happens. The divine is waiting. The soul is waiting. I am waiting, diving, surrendering, burning, all the way down.

Heeding the Call

Sexuality. Spirituality. Intimacy. Three areas that are often separated, divided, compartmentalized, and denied in our culture, yet are inherently fused: One presence. One source. One energy. A place where few choose to visit, inhabit, and embody.

Picking up the thread to one automatically takes one into the labyrinth of the sacred erotic, the realm where fucking open to God or being fucked by God are one and the same; both require intimacy, a full surrender and baring of one's soul to being swept and taken away, dissolved into the oneness where there is no separation, only total union.

Each is a mirror and a gateway. As I choose to explore and embrace my sexuality, I begin to see how it is simply a reflection of how intimate I'm willing to be. The places where I feel resistant or closed in sex often mirror ways where I'm closed to intimacy (sexual impotence is rarely only limited to sex). In my spirituality, I notice where sexuality is taking me deeper into union, and where it serves as a distraction. I feel it in my body. How present I am with it shows me how intimate I'm truly willing to be. On my spiritual path, I notice where I am alive, body erect, soul orgasming as a sign of my divine connection, and where I am flaccid, frigid, tight. And so on, one unfolding into the other, no separation.

It is through exploring these threads, in breathing, feeling, making love to them, moment to moment, that my passion and purpose live. I am aware of the ways in which I've held this back, afraid to fully hear and step into my soul's calling.

Yet, after working with a client this evening, this fear is not present; instead, tonight, the call is coming alive: I am reminded of who I am and why I'm here: to awaken, activate, celebrate, and play in this divine fusion of the mystical, the erotic, and the intimate. To presence these energies in the body. To heal the split between the masculine and the feminine. To reclaim sex as sacred, as a path to God, and move beyond the shame, suppression, and all the other bullshit overlaid on the very act that brought us into this world. To serve and honor the Goddess, and to reclaim the God. This is vital work, and there is so much to be done.

It is time.

I am ready.

Yes.

Experiencing Joy

As I connect to essence, there is a bubbling joy inside me. A place of lightness, ease, relaxation, happiness, and presence, where nothing is too serious or heavy.

This place is strong; it can roll with the punches, find the openings in the universal cracks to greater expansiveness, love fiercely, fuck, dance, play, hone in like a missile of truth and cut through the bullshit, inspire, create, hold, witness, lead, direct, laugh, protect, and serve.

This is the place I have most denied myself. I was not taught that it is who I am. Instead, I was taught that I was selfish, wrong, bad, unworthy, spoiled, ungrateful, weak, needy. And so, it's who I believed I was. I couldn't see otherwise. I was mistaken.

Tonight I get to taste and savor and dwell in the truth of who I am, the real me, my authentic self. It is quite rich and alive. I feel fed and nourished by it, a lifespring inside my soul, a place to drink from in each moment, an endless bounty of unconditional love. It is always available.

From this place, I claim my power and strength, my heart, my soul, my spirit, my passion, my desire, and my love. I claim my gifts. I claim my aliveness. I claim my laughter. I claim my knowing of who I am.

I am grateful.

I am in love.

Core

The past couple of days have continued to be a time of little doing, little distraction, and frequently being still. As I continue this practice of presence, of sitting, embracing, noticing, feeling, connecting with the body, the emotions, the divine, the flesh, I begin to connect more deeply to my core.

I am connecting with new parts of my body that I haven't connected with before. I hadn't realized that when I've scanned through my body in the past, I hadn't been able to feel the area from my solar plexus to genitals. It was like a blank, empty space.

As I've taken the time to be fully present with my body, I've begun to put more awareness on that area. The first time that I connected with my genitals through awareness, a wave of energy shot up through my core. I realized that I've never just felt into that area, and it was like something awakened. As I've felt the space in my pelvis, my belly, my abdominals, I experience new sensations and emotions. Fear; power; anger; vitality; pleasure; tingling, numbness.

The more I keep my awareness here, the more I begin to feel my core. It is like a rod running from my pelvis up through my center, carrying a current of energy. It feels strong and solid. It is like parts of me are being "filled in."

With this developing awareness comes new experiences: sometimes painful, sometimes scary, sometimes ecstatic. I experience both what was suppressed and cut off as well as the integration in the healing. Disconnected parts are becoming connected, weaving together. Much of the time, as these parts come up for to be healed, it is quite uncomfortable.

This aspect of embodiment is vital: active awareness, inclusion, and integration of the whole body. As I continue the practice, amidst the discomfort, I experience a deeper sense of self. The I AM. I feel it, growing stronger as I stay present, my body becoming whole, my self becoming whole, my soul becoming whole. Less need, more fullness. Greater security. Increasing power. Pleasure and pain dancing together to birth a new self, new inspiration, connection to source, tapping into truth and essence.

Yet, no need to hurry or move beyond. Allowing what is. No judgment. No need to "feel good." There is only this moment, the perfection of the moment, the perfection of the body.

And so it is.

Inspired Chaos

Walking down the street, warm air, soft breeze against my skin. I feel my feet move up and down against the sidewalk, rolling arches, toes flexing. Pelvis swaying, feeling my hips move back and forth with each step, arms gliding, tingling in my hands and fingers. Body relaxed, yet alive. I am connected to it, with it, in it. I feel the energy moving through me as I take this evening excursion. Destination: New Seasons Market, ~26 blocks away, for a bag of Robert's Gourmet Chaos.

The past couple of days have been interesting. Some depression, some hopelessness, some fear, some sexual energy, some contentment. I haven't particularly felt motivated to do anything, and I've noticed the self-judgment and criticism around this.

In our culture, there's little space and time to follow inspiration and desire in the moment. Stuck in schedules, appointments, and plans, needing to have something to do, many of our days are mapped out. This is in contrast to the rhythms of nature, where everything happens in its own time. The flower doesn't schedule when it will blossom; the sun doesn't make an appointment to rise or set. Forces and energies converge and conspire, and bam! Voila . . .

In the midst of this lack of inspiration, with very little scheduled, I've decided to simply toss the "shoulds" and "doings" and be present. Fuck forcing myself and reacting to my fears. As such, much of today was spent laying in the couch, being aware of my body, sensations, thoughts, and emotions. No reacting, no forcing, no distractions: just being present.

At times, I felt fear. Others, anxiety. Sometimes relaxation, sometimes tension, sometimes frustration. Frequently, an energetic buzzing where it seems like every cell in my body is up to something. I decide to go beyond simply noticing, as I did for many years doing Vipassana meditation, and actually engaging with the sensations and emotions. Embracing them. Breathing into them. Coming into relationship with them. Soon, they didn't become an obstacle, but rather a gateway into deeper presence. The more I accepted and allowed, the sooner they passed. No action required. I am reminded of a song lyric: "Fear is only what you feel." That's it; nothing more.

The one thing I did decide to follow was inspiration. While it didn't come that frequently, when it did show up, I felt truly fulfilled and nourished when I followed the genuine desire. When my spontaneous desire for a walk and some Chaos arose, I felt a deep sense of peace and relaxed, grounded presence as I embarked on my evening mission. Taking my awareness into my walk, I felt connected, alive, and free. All my actions today from this place truly fed me. Rather than coming from a place of fear and judgment, it felt like listening to my soul's calling, even if the actions seemed more mundane.

I believe this is our call; to return to this natural order, to listen to the voice of the soul, and to take inspired action. This is where authentic desire lies. I invite you to listen, and see where it takes you.

Becoming connected

Sometimes I don't know what the fuck is going on inside me. All kinds of sensations, feelings, senses, intuitions that somehow defy words, or at least that I'm not able to connect with words.

I feel this gap inside me: what I'm intending to express or communicate, and what actually is being expressed and communicated.

Sometimes I feel like I leave my body entirely, and there's not much happening there to express at all.

Other times, probably more than I admit or notice in myself, I really do know what's happening, and I'm just to scared to express it. So, it churns inside me, building up to a point way out of proportion, lost inside the disillusioned fantasy scenarios that I've conjured up and overlayed over reality.

I feel frustrated. More than anything, I want you to know what's real for me: what I'm feeling, what I'm needing, what I'm desiring. I want to be clear with my yes's and my no's. But I've been holding it back, and I suffer. I feel disconnected from myself, and from you. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes depressed. Sometimes stewing. Sometimes sad. Sometimes hopeless. Sometimes flat.

I'm sick of holding it all back: my anger, my desire, my passion, my craziness, my wild, out-of-control unbridled fuck-it-all abandon. And so, I intend to let it go. I'm ready for this step. My life depends on it. I want to show up, all the way.

I'm asking for your help. Point it out. Name it. Scream at me. Tackle me. Dive in with me, down to the raw, honest, vulnerable truth, where we can truly, authentically connect. I want that. For me. For you. For all of us. Let's do it.

The Power of Presence

Deep breath, ground. Feet on the floor, feeling into the earth, growing roots down to the center of the earth.

Full breaths, filling pelvis, belly, chest, and shoulders. Slowly inhaling, breathing in abundance, nourishment, and life force. Effortless exhale, surrender, release.

Eyes focused yet relaxed, steady gaze. Knees loose, body straight, firm yet loose. Soft belly, strong spine.

Awareness of pelvis, hips, genitals, free-flowing energy, sinking into the seat. Feeling the body, feeling the breath, simply noticing, relating, feeling. Connection to needs and desires, moment to moment.

Slow, sure movement. Direct, clear, fluid. Open body. Open mind. Open heart. Feeling self, feeling other. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Simply being.

Trust in the divine. Faith in all things. Relaxing into the arms of god. Knowing that all is well, embracing the perfection of the moment. Free of judgment, only pure awareness, clear direction arising from source and followed.

Love. Bliss. Acceptance. Surrender. Arousal. Embrace. Stillness. Strength. Wholeness. Totality. Abundance. Freedom. Presence.

I am whole.
I am present.
I am powerful.

And so it is.