The Mother Wound

I just finished reading "When He's Married to Mom" by Kenneth Adams, and man, it's powerful stuff! It's about men who are emotionally enmeshed with their mothers (he estimates about 1 in 10 men are, but I'm guessing just about all of us are to some degree), and how it impacts their adult relationships, particularly with women.

While there is a lot of work emerging around authentic masculine presence, and how many modern men are in a stage of being weak, lacking clear direction, and wishy-washy, little of these approaches go beneath the surface of social constructs to explore why this is the case. Reading this book was like, "holy shit!" I felt like a huge light bulb went off.

It made a lot of sense around how I relate and show up in the world: having difficulty committing, not trusting myself, caretaking, suppressing my own needs, having vague or non-existent boundaries, extreme sensitivity, sleeping around, focusing a lot on sexuality at the expense of intimacy, being so attached to the idea of relationship that I impose it on a partner . . . things I naturally assumed were just part of the masculine experience or a result of social conditioning. Qualities I thought I just had to "push past," and that I could just get over (or just have to accept). These are all common qualities of men who are emotionally enmeshed with their mothers (whether she is physically in your life or not), and/or who have been sexually abused by their mothers.

I see how many other men in my life have these same symptoms. While I agree that we can make present-moment choices and do practices that bring us more into authentic connection and embodied presence, I think it's important to understand what lies at the root of our current state. Not only that, but to go back to the root (family of origin), and first and foremost show up different in those relationships. I know for myself that consciously creating a new relationship with my mother over the past five years or so (and my father over the past fifteen years), has probably had the most impact on how I relate to everyone else in my life.

I feel really grateful for this book, and these awarenesses. Reading it has brought up a lot of grief, sadness, and anger, and also a lot of relief, hope, and excitement. There is a way out. It is possible to become free. It is time to go beneath the surface; this is how we create true integral presence.