Simply Being

Bittersweet . . . stillness . . . sadness . . . peace . . . contentment . . . joy . . . relaxing into the now, the present, the presence, a soft landing, a gentle glide on the calm surface of the lake. No distractions, no hiding, no running. Fear is present, but it just simply is; it doesn't really mean anything. There is a grace in it's presence.

I was listening to a recording by writer Natalie Goldberg last night. She was talking about how one never overcomes anything; one simply befriends it. I feel that way now; befriending all that is in each moment, allowing it to be. Somehow, it comforts each thought, each sensation, each emotion, caressing it, seeing it, feeling it.

Underneath, I feel a well of power, of strength, of clarity. That deep connection to essence, to spirit, to source, to self, to creation. It is like a deep surrender into a bed of outstretched arms, catching me as I fall backwards. No control, no forcing, no effort.

In the past, I had this idea that being powerful meant doing something, taking action, being strong. I'm discovering now that, at least for myself, it comes through surrendering, letting go, and being present.

I feel grateful tonight. For myself, for my life, for my friends, community, home, work, family, body, health, spirit, mind. Something new is arising. A new way of being. A new way of relating. A new way of living. A new way of loving.

I am grateful.

Healing the Masculine

As I sit down tonight to write, I am very aware of what means to be a man in today's world. How few role models there are, and how few there have been. Of the disowned, disembodied power, of the disconnect from the emotional body, of the limited relational and intimacy skills, of the shame, suppression, and often misdirected sexual energy. I see and have seen these aspects of myself, and in probably every man I've ever met. I have seen many men struggle with addiction, with a sense of powerlessness, with relationship, with homophobia, with right livelihood, with identity, and with purpose.

I have been struggling lately around my own purpose and coming from my authentic depth, and I realized tonight how terrified I am of fully stepping into my full power and potential. One on hand, I recognize what I am here to do, and sense the wholeness of who I'm becoming and destined to become. On the other, I just want to run and hide. Abort the mission. Go deliver pizza, have light, casual relationships, watch TV, and play video games.

Yet, I have been choosing to keep stepping into my purpose and power. It has been a long road, and I have taken many steps thus far. Now, it's time to jump, to take the leap of faith, to divine in as far as I can.

In the face of this choice, I feel angry. Angry at God, angry at myself, angry at all the people and situations that I've had to overcome. The questions comes up, "Why me? Why the fuck do I have to do this?" Sure, I have a choice, but I don't really. When truth comes knocking, when spirit calls, I know that I need to answer, that true satisfaction and happiness comes from listening to and living that deep knowing of who I am and why I'm here.

In the face of my fear, in the face of my anger and resentment, I will continue to choose this love. I am passionate about serving men. I am passionate about our awakening, transformation, and embodiment of essence. I am passionate about creating and embodying a healthy, whole, integrated masculine. I am passionate about healing the disconnection between the masculine and the feminine. I am passionate about being alive, awake, present, ecstatic. I am passionate about honoring and aligning our sexuality and spirituality, of unifying heaven and earth, and of the embodiment of God. It's time to bring it all forth, and so it shall be.

Amen.

Nothing To Do

In the place of surrender, there is nothing to do. Nothing that is supposed to happen, nowhere to be, no one in particular to engage in this nothingness with.

Rather, it is a place of presence, of beingness, of ease, grace, and flow. From this place of nothing, anything can arise. As I relax into this place, as I release all control and effort, things begin to emerge: desire, willingness, inspired action. The spirit of God begins to work through me, awakening my body, arousing my passions, bringing forth my soul's purpose and calling. I move without walking, speak without needing to utter a sound, work without working.

I didn't set out to accomplish anything today, didn't have any external goals, wasn't trying to achieve anything, and yet things happened. A workshop was brought into form, a healing and awakening occurred, ideas were birthed, text written, connections made, intimacy transpired, tasks completed, food cooked. Yet, I feel like I didn't really do anything to make any of it happen. It just did. I feel both alive and relaxed, almost surreal. How did all these things happen? Did I just dream it all up? And yet, the proof surrounds me that it was all real. All I did was let go.

This place is about allowing, about doing the backstroke amidst the river of life, about being moved rather than moving. It is about saying, "Take me, use me, play me. I am yours, divine will. I surrender." While I do feel some sadness tonight, I also feel full and connected, like I've made contact with a part of myself that I've been missing for a while. Perhaps this sadness is really a grieving of this separation.

Whatever the reason, I am choosing to continue to do nothing, instead allowing myself to be done, to be undone, to give it all up and over to the whim of source and to my soul. Take me.

Finding God

God
I woke up this morning and realized
That yours is the face I've been looking for

All this time
All this searching
And you were right here
All along

I thought I'd find it in the face of other
In place
In purpose
In meaning

I kept looking
Without seeing
Hearing
Without listening
Doing
Without feeling

While all this time
You were waiting
Waiting patiently
To enter my heart

It takes no effort
But simply to ask
Just ask
And you are here
Inside me

As my heart spills open
I feel you pouring in
Blissful fullness
Needing nothing
Embracing everything
In love
With life
In love
With you
In love
With me

In love
As love
With love

I love you
I love myself
I love myself
I love you

Amen