As I sit down to blog, I'm aware of many different thoughts and experiences . . .
Doing my 9th step (making amends to those I've harmed), and feeling both humble and free, like weights are being lifted. Connecting with people intimately, revealing myself, being vulnerable. Still a few more people left to make amends with; interestingly enough, I feel most afraid of making amends with myself.
Having a sense of being stripped down, like the past, who I've been, how I've been, is gone. Nothing really seems familiar right now. Being born again, reinvented, starting clean and fresh. Cultivating a deeper sense of faith and trust. Not knowing how I was going to pay my rent this month (the first time I've ever been in that position), and coming through today, just in time! The world wide open, endless possibilities. Interesting that all this coincides with the Jewish new year, which is today. At least with doing my steps I'm ahead of the curve of Yom Kippur (atoning for sins), which is coming up towards the end of next week ;)
Feeling bursts of creative energy, feeling more excited, happier, more peaceful. Today, coming across the current issue of "What is Enlightenment?," which is about the direction of men and masculinity, and feeling inspired, connected to a deeper sense of purpose and resonance. I know that this is an essential part of my work, and I've also been noticing it when I work with clients, how energized and excited I feel from our work together.
Not knowing, not needing to know. Listening to guidance. Trusting. Choosing vision over "damage." Choosing to be open, especially when I want to close down. Loving the moment, loving what is. Finding the joy and excitement. These are my current lessons, and they are becoming easier as I practice.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sacred Union of the Self
Something struck me during our gathering tonight as we visioned together; the experience of experiencing the beloved that lives within me.
For most of my life, I've sought someone outside of myself, usually a woman, to feel whole and complete. While I've known intellectually that the Sacred Union must occur within, I've had relatively little experience of embodying it. I also get that whatever dance has been happening in my relationships has been my internal push/pull and fear of intimacy projected outwards, and that going within is the place to create a shift, again something that I've known but am now experiencing.
As I've become more aware of and present with the emptiness that I sense inside myself, as well as with how I've used sex and relationship to fill it (as well as fantasy and projection to avoid it), something is shifting inside me. A sense of completeness, of solidity, of richness. It's been flickering in and out over the past couple of weeks, gradually getting brighter and stronger. Tonight, the sense feels more stable and rooted. For one of the few times in my life, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship (or even feel ready to be in one).
After the guided visioning process, I realized that my vision right now is to fully experience and embody this inner Sacred Union, all parts of myself unifying into a clear channel and vessel, as well as a pillar of strength. While I don't quite know where this path will lead, I have a sense that it will be an important part of what I teach. Regardless, I feel excited and energized when I connect with this vision (and my inner critic telling me that it seems too easy and fun to be a bonafide and worthy vision). I have been wanting to connect with this place for a long time, and have not felt, or been, ready until now.
Tonight, as I step into the unknown, letting go of the how and trusting the call, I feel ready. Ready to surrender control, ready to create, ready to love.
I am ready.
For most of my life, I've sought someone outside of myself, usually a woman, to feel whole and complete. While I've known intellectually that the Sacred Union must occur within, I've had relatively little experience of embodying it. I also get that whatever dance has been happening in my relationships has been my internal push/pull and fear of intimacy projected outwards, and that going within is the place to create a shift, again something that I've known but am now experiencing.
As I've become more aware of and present with the emptiness that I sense inside myself, as well as with how I've used sex and relationship to fill it (as well as fantasy and projection to avoid it), something is shifting inside me. A sense of completeness, of solidity, of richness. It's been flickering in and out over the past couple of weeks, gradually getting brighter and stronger. Tonight, the sense feels more stable and rooted. For one of the few times in my life, I don't feel like I NEED to be in a relationship (or even feel ready to be in one).
After the guided visioning process, I realized that my vision right now is to fully experience and embody this inner Sacred Union, all parts of myself unifying into a clear channel and vessel, as well as a pillar of strength. While I don't quite know where this path will lead, I have a sense that it will be an important part of what I teach. Regardless, I feel excited and energized when I connect with this vision (and my inner critic telling me that it seems too easy and fun to be a bonafide and worthy vision). I have been wanting to connect with this place for a long time, and have not felt, or been, ready until now.
Tonight, as I step into the unknown, letting go of the how and trusting the call, I feel ready. Ready to surrender control, ready to create, ready to love.
I am ready.
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