Laying Down the Shield

I sit here tonight, aware of my eyes, unguarded without metal and glass, soft and watery, a little blurry.

It mirrors how I feel inside: vulnerable, soft, layers slipping away. I sense being in a place of transformation, but it seems different - relatively calm, not particularly intense, even graceful. My mind wonders: Am I doing it right? It should look bigger! Where's the drama?!

I'm aware of my layers of defense, this shield of anger and fear that has kept me separate. Little by little, they are slipping away. Underneath, I feel the fear of them being completely dissolved. It's not really a rational fear; what I get when I feel into letting go is a sense that I'm going to be hit, be it by another person, or even by God. Kicked while I'm down. I feel it in my chest, my heart, all the way through my core. A memory before words. I don't even think I've been aware of how deep it's run. I do know that I often feel slightly uncomfortable around people.

I lay on the altar tonight at dance and surrendered another layer. Gentle tears flowed as I opened my body, softened, surrendered. It was a new experience to let go with people around me. One step at a time.

In the midst of this fear, I am experiencing a growing sense of peace and happiness. I am learning to hold both, the light and the shadow, and not get swept away in the darkness. Patience, a new way of being with myself.

I say yes to my intentions of being:
* A visionary who effectively teaches, guides, and creates communal and planetary transformation
* A loving and devoted partner
* Creative, playful, and expressive
* Spiritually conscious
* A passionate presence
* Happy and joy-filled
* Embodied in the mystical and the erotic

I continue to let go and to surrender. I continue to say yes. I continue to open. I continue to love.

And so it is!

Choosing vs. Feeling

It's an interesting conundrum - discerning when to feel and when to choose a different way of being.

I think that it is important to feel, particularly in our culture, where being in the body and fully experiencing emotions and sensations is more uncommon in favor of numbing out or thinking and intellectualizing. I notice the numbing in many forms: substances, TV, work, etc. On the flipside is focusing on choosing a different reality, also often at the expense of being present with what is and disconnecting from the body, getting lost in a vision without root and ground in the physical.

On a personal level, I notice that I can get too stuck in feeling, believing that it's important just to feel for the sake of feeling and being present. When I do this, I often feel stuck and bogged down in the feeling. I noticed this yesterday, when Anakha pointed out to me that I could choose something other than being angry. When she said it, a light bulb went off; I never realized before that there even was a choice, that I could choose to let it go and focus on something else. Maybe it seems obvious, but it never occurred to me before.

I've felt a lot of anger and rage in my life, and still do. Even though it has diminished as I've done work around it, it still does get in the way for me from becoming free. It becomes a shield, a way to stay stuck, a safe place. I definitely feel vulnerable when I move into choosing something else.

I think I've felt enough anger in my life to not have to feel it any more. It is time to let it go and focus on what I want, and let go of the past. It is time to trust. It is time to open.