Laying Down the Shield

I sit here tonight, aware of my eyes, unguarded without metal and glass, soft and watery, a little blurry.

It mirrors how I feel inside: vulnerable, soft, layers slipping away. I sense being in a place of transformation, but it seems different - relatively calm, not particularly intense, even graceful. My mind wonders: Am I doing it right? It should look bigger! Where's the drama?!

I'm aware of my layers of defense, this shield of anger and fear that has kept me separate. Little by little, they are slipping away. Underneath, I feel the fear of them being completely dissolved. It's not really a rational fear; what I get when I feel into letting go is a sense that I'm going to be hit, be it by another person, or even by God. Kicked while I'm down. I feel it in my chest, my heart, all the way through my core. A memory before words. I don't even think I've been aware of how deep it's run. I do know that I often feel slightly uncomfortable around people.

I lay on the altar tonight at dance and surrendered another layer. Gentle tears flowed as I opened my body, softened, surrendered. It was a new experience to let go with people around me. One step at a time.

In the midst of this fear, I am experiencing a growing sense of peace and happiness. I am learning to hold both, the light and the shadow, and not get swept away in the darkness. Patience, a new way of being with myself.

I say yes to my intentions of being:
* A visionary who effectively teaches, guides, and creates communal and planetary transformation
* A loving and devoted partner
* Creative, playful, and expressive
* Spiritually conscious
* A passionate presence
* Happy and joy-filled
* Embodied in the mystical and the erotic

I continue to let go and to surrender. I continue to say yes. I continue to open. I continue to love.

And so it is!