Conflict

After several incidents this past week, I'm noticing how afraid I feel around conflict. My childhood pattern was to retreat up to my room. Now, I find other ways to "disappear," often in the form of going into my head or just checking out of my body completely.

I see how in relationships I so desperately want the "good stuff." The peace, harmony, joy, play, excitement, etc. After all those years of tension growing up, I have just wanted it to be over, to never have to go back to that place of discomfort, to have the love and intimacy that I craved all those years and never got.

What I'm seeing is how going into the "storm," be it the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, hurt, shame and exposing that to others is what will create the true intimacy, the true "good stuff" that I want so much. I will be with you in present time, experience my feelings, and deal with them differently. Show up. Express what I'm feeling. Be real and authentic, rather than wanting everything to be ok and settled and pretending, or "forcing," things to be all right.

This is my desire: to simply be with reality rather than how I would like reality to be. To embrace the moment. I call forth the courage in myself to do so, and I sense that the more I do this, the more the "good stuff" will come.

Embracing Wildness

I feel the walls coming down, the restricted guard that keeps me safe, separate, contained.

Last night, I experienced myself in the holding, feeling tentative and uncertain, wanting to protect and take care of everyone. As the night went on, and as I stepped into the center, I felt the holding subside a bit more, energy rising in my body, being more real and authentic with what's inside me. I want to be real, to express myself clearly and directly, to rise above the numbing, over-thinking, rationalizing, caretaking mask that I've worn for too long. It doesn't serve either of us, and it keeps me separate and weak. I don't always realize that I'm wearing it. Thanks Felix, for calling me on my bullshit. That's what I want from you, and from everyone. I don't need your safe niceness. And, I'm tired of expressing that when it's not real, when there's shit brewing underneath.

Through last night and this morning, I experienced it dropping away, expressing the rage inside, the words that I've witheld to keep everyone safe. As I let go, releasing the control in my body, I felt myself come alive, free, unbound. I felt clear. I felt connected. I felt free.

This is my intention: to surrender to wildness. My wildness, the wild, messy, out-of-control unpredictable experience of being alive. To risk not-knowing, to stop playing it safe and go for it. I feel it happening, piece by piece, layer by layer. The mask is coming off. I am coming alive. Joing me, beloveds. Get messy with me. I can take it. I want it. And, rather than trying to protect and take care of you, I will trust that you can take care of yourself and let things get messy, or loving, or passionate, or crazy, or whatever happens when the hinges come off and the doors get blown open. It's time to let the bullshit go.

Essence

Sometimes, there is nothing to write about
Nothing to speak
Nothing to say

It simply is
I simply am

Being

The constriction
The expansion
Means nothing

Just the simple joy
Of being alive
Is all that matters

Prison Break

I am feeling free
The freedom of love's joy
Permeating the cells of my being

Yes, I am scared
Each step takes me to a new place
That I do not yet know
My mind thinks I'll be alone
But my soul knows better
Should I remember to listen

Let go
Surrender
No need to hold on
To anyone or anything

Feel the freedom
Of unbound, unattached love
It is here
Right here
Right now
For the feasting

No one can save me
For the Divine dwells close
And I only need
To let it out
And let it in

No need to contain
Restrain
Restrict
This pulsing heart
That yearns to love

I have tried though
Lord, have I tried
It is a fool's game
A booby prize
A false sense of security
In a world without bars

All along, I've been standing in the garden
Fruits laid out before me
Adam and Eve had it goin' on
They knew what to do

Get down, get naked
Take a bite
And let the juices flow