Conflict

After several incidents this past week, I'm noticing how afraid I feel around conflict. My childhood pattern was to retreat up to my room. Now, I find other ways to "disappear," often in the form of going into my head or just checking out of my body completely.

I see how in relationships I so desperately want the "good stuff." The peace, harmony, joy, play, excitement, etc. After all those years of tension growing up, I have just wanted it to be over, to never have to go back to that place of discomfort, to have the love and intimacy that I craved all those years and never got.

What I'm seeing is how going into the "storm," be it the anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, sadness, hurt, shame and exposing that to others is what will create the true intimacy, the true "good stuff" that I want so much. I will be with you in present time, experience my feelings, and deal with them differently. Show up. Express what I'm feeling. Be real and authentic, rather than wanting everything to be ok and settled and pretending, or "forcing," things to be all right.

This is my desire: to simply be with reality rather than how I would like reality to be. To embrace the moment. I call forth the courage in myself to do so, and I sense that the more I do this, the more the "good stuff" will come.