Embracing Wildness

I feel the walls coming down, the restricted guard that keeps me safe, separate, contained.

Last night, I experienced myself in the holding, feeling tentative and uncertain, wanting to protect and take care of everyone. As the night went on, and as I stepped into the center, I felt the holding subside a bit more, energy rising in my body, being more real and authentic with what's inside me. I want to be real, to express myself clearly and directly, to rise above the numbing, over-thinking, rationalizing, caretaking mask that I've worn for too long. It doesn't serve either of us, and it keeps me separate and weak. I don't always realize that I'm wearing it. Thanks Felix, for calling me on my bullshit. That's what I want from you, and from everyone. I don't need your safe niceness. And, I'm tired of expressing that when it's not real, when there's shit brewing underneath.

Through last night and this morning, I experienced it dropping away, expressing the rage inside, the words that I've witheld to keep everyone safe. As I let go, releasing the control in my body, I felt myself come alive, free, unbound. I felt clear. I felt connected. I felt free.

This is my intention: to surrender to wildness. My wildness, the wild, messy, out-of-control unpredictable experience of being alive. To risk not-knowing, to stop playing it safe and go for it. I feel it happening, piece by piece, layer by layer. The mask is coming off. I am coming alive. Joing me, beloveds. Get messy with me. I can take it. I want it. And, rather than trying to protect and take care of you, I will trust that you can take care of yourself and let things get messy, or loving, or passionate, or crazy, or whatever happens when the hinges come off and the doors get blown open. It's time to let the bullshit go.