Loving My Mother

It's 2:45 in the morning, and I just finished talking with my mother after an almost 2-hour long dialogue/conversation/experience.

I have known, felt, sensed that this trip is about healing. Healing my past. Finding peace. Finding power. Finding clarity. Finding love, the love that I disconnected from as a child. I have sensed this intention, but didn't know how to come into it, until tonight.

There's a way that I'm different around my mother than with other people; with friends, peers, colleagues. I feel numb, shut down, closed, disconnected, inauthentic. Growing up, I had always thought our relationship was healthy and good, especially in comparison to my father's abuse and neglect. It wasn't until about five or six years ago, after many years of intensive therapy and work and healing around my father, that I realized how unhealthy it really was. At that point, it shifted tremendously, from talking several times a week and tapering off to maybe once every two or three weeks. I pulled away, disconnected in some needed ways, and began my healing around our relationship. 

As I engage in my intimate relationships, I see my patterns emerge that mirror the experiences of my childhood (sound familiar?). Sure, I start out open, but gradually (often fairly quickly, in fact), my reactions start. Anger. Blame. Closure. Judgment. Disdain. Pushing. Pulling. Clinging. I see it hurt those I love the most, those I want the most, those I deeply cherish and adore. Shutting down when they open. Unspoken demands. Blame. Criticism. Resentment. Unreasonable expectations. I push away my loves, keeping them at a distance. Keeping myself at a distance. Separating from the love the I so want and need.

After reenacting the scenario tonight with a dear love (and getting a good kick in the butt), I was reminded that now is the time to heal these wounds, to go back to the roots and shake them free, to heal at the source. It was time to heal them with my mother, and in doing so, to heal them in my present intimacies as well. And so began our descent.

I have cleared with her before on several occasions, but tonight was different. Until tonight, it was about clearing the past, coming to terms, resolution. Tonight was about creating a real relationship, real intimacy between us. It was about learning a new way of relating to the feminine, a way without blame, without anger, without powerlessness. And we did. I said what I needed to say, how I felt, what I needed, and continued to bring it into the present, into our relationship. I told her how these patterns are showing up for my now in my intimacies, and how much I want to heal them. I told her that I want her and my relationship to be different, to be close, to feel like myself when I'm around her and to not feel so disconnected and angry. 

As I shared, I kept telling her that I just wanted her to listen, to paraphrase back my words and feelings, to not try to fix me, explain herself, or make it about changing or judging the past. Each time that I spoke and she repeated, I dropped in a little deeper. Tears flowed. Anger flared. I stayed present with myself and present with her, sharing about the past and the moment, relating with her, opening with her, sharing with her, telling her what I needed in the moment and calling her to be present with me. And, she did.

As I relaxed, deepened, opened, revealed, and shared, I came to the essence of the disconnect between us: that in our relationship, I feel powerless and inauthentic. That I'm not myself, disconnected, and blame and resent her for it for my inability to be whole, powerful, and alive in her presence. By extension, I have carried that energy in my relationship to the feminine. In that awareness, in the moment, in that awakening, the transformation came to fully manifest, embodied. My willingness to speak up to her and be vulnerable. Communicating of my needs, and sticking to them throughout our conversation. Honoring myself, standing up for myself, keeping my heart open, regardless of how she was responding to me. Loving her.

In that awakening, that transformation, that embodied experiential knowing, my heart fully opened to her in a way that it never has. I felt so much love for her, so connected, so happy to be there with her, as though she was one of my closest friends. I was taking responsibility for and standing in my own power, my own authentic expression, my own needs and desires, my own heart. In that place, I needed nothing from her. I could be myself, without fear of her response, without needing to protect or defend. I could be strong, in integrity with my soul, present. I could hold my boundaries and fully love. For maybe the first time every with her, we looked into each other's eyes in silence for several minutes, just being together.

It is a new step towards creating and engaging this new way of being, of relating. It is so necessary, so vital. It is changing my life. It is time. As we were ending our time, she said how she wished that she had been different, how she wished she could go back and change how she'd been with me. I told her that we are doing it now, in the present, and that's what really matters. That we are doing it now.

I am honored.

I am grateful.

I am blessed. 

I am loved. 

I am love.

I am.

We are.