Spiraling Down to Source

Today has been quite the wild ride. Numbness, confusion, disconnect, fear, tenderness, love, serenity, doubt, resolution, anger, ambivalence, clarity, strength, connection, bliss, and a major panic attack that left me wondering if I do this, this life, this journey, this path, this relating. At one point, I screamed into my bed (one of these days I'm going to open a "catharsis clinic" complete with pillows, bats, padded walls, and other accoutrements to keep us all a little more sane and spare the neighbors from freaking out), pissed at the divine for wondering why it seemed like I was being led astray, pissed at myself for wondering if I was just completely fucked up and disconnected from my own internal ear and guidance, pissed at the world, pissed, terrified, fed up, spiteful, angry, resigned, ready to throw in the towel.

Fortunately, the moment passed (as they all seem to do, no matter how many times I create the illusion that time will somehow freeze), and the relief and clarity came. Mostly, it was just my requisite panic attack that reliably and right on cue seems to occur right before the breakthrough, before the settling and knowing that lies beneath the frozen fear.

From there, the spiral began to steady, descending, dropping, deepening, aligning, until arriving at the final destination of truth, of certainty, of commitment, of devotion, of the true essence of love. That love is both something one surrenders to as well as something that one commits to.

In my past, doubts and fears have reigned, sometimes at the most crucial moments. The moments that matter, that sometimes make or break, or at least shape, one's destiny. In some moments, I have taken hold of the reigns and steered the ship. In others, I've run for cover in the underbelly. Relatively recently, one occurred where I crashed and burned, disconnecting from truth, from power, from knowing, from vision, from source, from true love and desire, and I have been living with the aftermath and consequences ever since.

That moment was a wake up call, the first of many to follow, to get clear, really clear: What do I really want? What is my deepest truth and knowing? What does it mean to stand in my essence, power, and strength and stay there? Where is Source guiding me, and will I trust and follow it?

Staying there and standing tall through the hurricanes of ambivalence, the tornadoes of doubt, the earthquakes of confinement, the avalanches of abandonment. Being unwavering in the times when I think that I've first got to figure out all the details, the contingencies, the maybes, the clauses, the what ifs?, the possible futures, the potential hurts and losses, the final outcome of where it's all heading in some unknown moment that's beyond the horizon.

Instead, hearing Spirit call, answering the phone, and saying yes. Yes to what I most deeply want, even as fears rise up in my body. Yes to what I most deeply know is true, even as my mind begins to question. Yes to love: to loving myself, loving other, to being so open to stand in and receive love and truth that all that arises in the face of it has no choice but to be offered a brief nod and acknowledgment, a courteous smile, and then sent on its merry way to knock on someone else's door.

Tonight, I stand firmly in this truth and this love: I want this love, more than any I have known. I want this life, this path, this purpose. I commit to staying in the rapids, no matter what storms may arise. I commit to showing up, even when I want to run and hide. I listen to the call of my heart and my soul and Source above all else. I let my love conquer my fear.

I'm in.

And so it is.

Amen.