Speaking Out of the Soul

Over the past nine months or so, I've been called to stand up fully in myself: in my power, in my truth, in my authenticity, in my vulnerability, in bringing my gifts forth. I've asked for it: I look around and see things that appall me, frighten me, piss me off: apathy, numbness, violence, lies, manipulation. I see them in myself as well: the ways I hide, ways I intellectualize, judge, blame, attempt to control. Yet, I know that there is something beyond this, a way of living and being that we are capable of, full of love and compassion, generosity, fierceness of spirit, passion, joy, creativity.

Ok, fuck that . . . I feel a rising in my soul, a heat in my body, a fire in my heart, that demands, calls for, cries out for a showing up: a showing up in me, a showing up in you, a willingness to speak up for what is real, what is whole, what is vital for us as humans. Not in a fearful, "we're all gonna die" way, but in a "wake the fuck up" kind of way, a way that knows what is possible, that all we need to do is reach out and grab it, follow this heart's desire and take a stand. I'm tired of running and hiding, of doing the safe things, and when I look around and see $4 for a gallon of gas when I know there's no shortage, when my friend in prison is being medicated rather than educated and rehabilitated, when people I love are choosing sex, drugs, and alcohol over bringing forth the amazing gifts that they have offer, it fucking pisses me off. I'm tired of being silent, of choosing the little battles instead of the ones that matter, of pretending that it doesn't matter when it really does. It matters to me when you hurt yourself, because I love you, because I see you, because I need what you have to offer underneath all your shame and self-pity. I can't do this alone, we can't do this alone, and I don't want to give up like I have in the past, thinking that it's all hopeless, that no one cares.

Well, I care. It matters to me. Do what you want, choose what you want, but I refuse to hide my desire, my yearning, my knowing. I will speak out, and I want you to speak out, because you see it just as much as I do. It's not about who I vote for, or if I build a house out of straw, eat edamame or ride a bike. It's about having the courage to confront myself, to face my shadow and dance with it, to embrace my light and dance with it, and to free myself. I say these things not out of judgment, but of desire, of love, of passion, of innocence, original innocence, of a knowing of who I am beneath all the bullshit, of a seeing of who we are beneath the lies we tell ourselves. Light this fire, raise this fire, fan this fire into an inferno of relentless passion that will incinerate, fortify, and temper all that is not pure, all that doesn't serve, all that stands in the way between us and that field that Rumi speaks of, between us and Eden. This is not a path for the faint of heart, but we are not faint of heart, not really. As I feel this pulsing in my body as I write, as I speak the words that I have held inside, as the desire rises within me, my heart is opening, expanding, and as it does, my breath begins to tighten, to clamp down, to protect and restrain because what might happen if I let go, if I give myself over to the divine, to this deeper knowing? What will I lose, what else might I suffer? It is time to stop asking these questions and do it anyway, to take that breath, to speak those words, and as I do, things heat up a little more, the tears that were held back begin to flow, this damped down love, this suppressed anger that fuels passion gets a little bigger, and says no. No more games. No more hiding. I refuse to let myself play small, I refuse to withhold all that I have to offer you, I refuse to let you hurt yourself, and I'm pissed at how I want your approval, at how I want you to like me, and needing to be good and nice and sweet when I truth I want to shake you and I want you to shake me, to go into that darkness together because I've been doing it alone for so long, and I'm tired, so tired, so frustrated of letting this beauty go ungiven and I'm tired of letting you get away with your smallness because I'm scared of how you'll react.

A client came to me recently and bared himself to me, revealed his truth and vulnerability, and when I told him how much I appreciated his willingness to dive right in, he said that he didn't know if he'd get another ride after this lifetime, so why not fully take and use this one? There is no waiting until we're ready, there is no maybe, and it's time to dive right it, to take that stand, to say yes, because otherwise what the fuck am I doing here? Otherwise, I'm just wasting both of our time, both of our lives, and I'm selling us all out.

As I feel into my body, I feel my heart soft yet burning, feeling all the hope and excitement and pain and breathing it in, breathing it all in, surrendering to love's deepest call, to my soul's deepest call, fully knowing what is possible, fully feeling the magnitude of life, of being alive, of what a gift it is to be here and have this chance to experience the ecstasy of being in this body on this planet. I offer you this vision, and as I rise, as I awaken, as I stand in the truth of who I am, and I feel this truth in my bones, blood, and skin, I feel God's promise being delivered with each step, with each breath. Come with me, dive in with me, step through this illusion, there is so much love beyond the curtain, beyond the veil of lies. If we stand in this darkness together, if we stand in this discomfort together, if we speak the truth together, the truth of who we are, the truth of what we desire, we can burn it all way, light up this dark night, and create and birth this love. I will stand with you, at your side, at your back, holding you, loving you through this dark night. This I promise. I am here to stay, I will not give up. Say yes, say no, say whatever you need to say, but I am saying yes. Breathe with me. We will learn together, discover together, and create together, play together, love together. There is no need to hide any longer, to run any longer. Say yes. See what happens. The divine is waiting. The soul is waiting. I am waiting, diving, surrendering, burning, all the way down.