Becoming connected

Sometimes I don't know what the fuck is going on inside me. All kinds of sensations, feelings, senses, intuitions that somehow defy words, or at least that I'm not able to connect with words.

I feel this gap inside me: what I'm intending to express or communicate, and what actually is being expressed and communicated.

Sometimes I feel like I leave my body entirely, and there's not much happening there to express at all.

Other times, probably more than I admit or notice in myself, I really do know what's happening, and I'm just to scared to express it. So, it churns inside me, building up to a point way out of proportion, lost inside the disillusioned fantasy scenarios that I've conjured up and overlayed over reality.

I feel frustrated. More than anything, I want you to know what's real for me: what I'm feeling, what I'm needing, what I'm desiring. I want to be clear with my yes's and my no's. But I've been holding it back, and I suffer. I feel disconnected from myself, and from you. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes depressed. Sometimes stewing. Sometimes sad. Sometimes hopeless. Sometimes flat.

I'm sick of holding it all back: my anger, my desire, my passion, my craziness, my wild, out-of-control unbridled fuck-it-all abandon. And so, I intend to let it go. I'm ready for this step. My life depends on it. I want to show up, all the way.

I'm asking for your help. Point it out. Name it. Scream at me. Tackle me. Dive in with me, down to the raw, honest, vulnerable truth, where we can truly, authentically connect. I want that. For me. For you. For all of us. Let's do it.