Inspired Chaos

Walking down the street, warm air, soft breeze against my skin. I feel my feet move up and down against the sidewalk, rolling arches, toes flexing. Pelvis swaying, feeling my hips move back and forth with each step, arms gliding, tingling in my hands and fingers. Body relaxed, yet alive. I am connected to it, with it, in it. I feel the energy moving through me as I take this evening excursion. Destination: New Seasons Market, ~26 blocks away, for a bag of Robert's Gourmet Chaos.

The past couple of days have been interesting. Some depression, some hopelessness, some fear, some sexual energy, some contentment. I haven't particularly felt motivated to do anything, and I've noticed the self-judgment and criticism around this.

In our culture, there's little space and time to follow inspiration and desire in the moment. Stuck in schedules, appointments, and plans, needing to have something to do, many of our days are mapped out. This is in contrast to the rhythms of nature, where everything happens in its own time. The flower doesn't schedule when it will blossom; the sun doesn't make an appointment to rise or set. Forces and energies converge and conspire, and bam! Voila . . .

In the midst of this lack of inspiration, with very little scheduled, I've decided to simply toss the "shoulds" and "doings" and be present. Fuck forcing myself and reacting to my fears. As such, much of today was spent laying in the couch, being aware of my body, sensations, thoughts, and emotions. No reacting, no forcing, no distractions: just being present.

At times, I felt fear. Others, anxiety. Sometimes relaxation, sometimes tension, sometimes frustration. Frequently, an energetic buzzing where it seems like every cell in my body is up to something. I decide to go beyond simply noticing, as I did for many years doing Vipassana meditation, and actually engaging with the sensations and emotions. Embracing them. Breathing into them. Coming into relationship with them. Soon, they didn't become an obstacle, but rather a gateway into deeper presence. The more I accepted and allowed, the sooner they passed. No action required. I am reminded of a song lyric: "Fear is only what you feel." That's it; nothing more.

The one thing I did decide to follow was inspiration. While it didn't come that frequently, when it did show up, I felt truly fulfilled and nourished when I followed the genuine desire. When my spontaneous desire for a walk and some Chaos arose, I felt a deep sense of peace and relaxed, grounded presence as I embarked on my evening mission. Taking my awareness into my walk, I felt connected, alive, and free. All my actions today from this place truly fed me. Rather than coming from a place of fear and judgment, it felt like listening to my soul's calling, even if the actions seemed more mundane.

I believe this is our call; to return to this natural order, to listen to the voice of the soul, and to take inspired action. This is where authentic desire lies. I invite you to listen, and see where it takes you.