Prayer

God
Show me the way

I stand before you naked
Afraid
Longing
Filled with blocked desire
Lukewarm love
Guarded heart
Rigid mind

Open my heart, God
All the way open
No protection
No control
Full surrender
To your will
To my desire
To love

Infuse me with desire
So that it will never wash out
Or fade away
Drench me with it
Pour it on
So that I may never forget
Who I am
Why I am here

Show me the way
I will follow your lead
I ask for your help
For your direction
Make me your instrument
And I will sing

Open my heart to receive
All I have asked for
Open my soul
To receive my truth
And give me the courage
To follow it

I am yours, God
I will fight no longer
I don't know the way
I don't know how to do this
And I'm tired of trying
To figure it out
To force it
To control it
I don't know

Tell me the way
I am listening

Bring me home
To the joy that once flowed through me
To the passion
To the aliveness
To the bliss
To the ease
To the love
To the desire
Unobstructed
Unrestrained
With wild abandon

I have been asking
But not receiving
I have been forcing
But not allowing
Thinking that it is up to me to make it manifest
And now
I surrender it all to you
Help me say yes
To why I came
Help me say yes
To what you have promised
Help me say yes
To what I have promised
Uninhibited desire
Fierce, fearless love
Open heart
Relaxed mind

I am ready
Take me
Take me open

I am yours
I am awake
I am present
I am listening
I am ready
I am

Amen

Embodied Presence

There are many levels and faces of presence. Many people equate presence with "being here now," "being in the moment," and "showing up," among many other definitions.

One form of presence is about noticing what's true in the moment and being with it. Being aware of the body, of the breath, of emotions, of environment. Within that field, there are many degrees of presence. Noticing and awareness is one. Expressing or communicating what is noticed is another. Focusing on the moment is a third. And countless others . . .

I have practiced this form for many years. I am often aware of what I'm sensing/noticing, and can communicate it (save sometimes for certain intense moments when I freeze up). I am often able to be with what is happening and accept the truth of my experience in the moment. I can sit and meditate and find the stillness of the moment.

However, in this form, I find there is a disconnect; while I can notice and express, there is a way that it is limited to a mental experience. I can talk the talk, say the right words, tell the stories, but I am not necessarily felt, either by myself or another. My presence is seen, but not embodied.

Embodied presence is more than words; it is energy. It is the difference between saying that I'm angry and showing that I am angry. It is the difference between saying that I'm sad and crying. It is the difference between saying that I'm happy with a blank face and smiling broadly. One can feel the emotional state. Often, words aren't even needed.

This is the form I am practicing. It takes us beyond our minds and into our bodies. It brings forth clarity and directness. It is an extremely honest way of communicating (something like 70+% of all communication is non-verbal). When both the awareness and the embodiment are combined, we heal the disconnect between the masculine and the feminine. We become integrated. We can make clearer, healthier choices and take full responsibility for our actions. Otherwise, we end up acting out via the parts/emotions that we can't feel.

I had this experience today in a counseling session, moving back and forth between expressing rage (through hitting a pillow with a raquet) and terror (bowing my body backwards and wailing). The more I felt and expressed the emotion (rather than just notice it), the more connected to it I became. Energy began streaming through my body, and it became even more alive. The embodiment, the expression, brought the awareness to life. By the time I left, I was fully present. I was there, all of me. Presence showed through my body, not just my eyes and face. I felt myself and my aliveness, and I was felt by other.

This is the call of our spiritual evolution: to show up not just in awareness, but in body and being. To get beyond the mind and into the body. Through exercise. Through connecting with and expressing emotion. Through bodywork. Through allowing the abundant energy that surrounds us to flow through. Through fusing the spiritual, mental, and emotional bodies. Through breath. Through intention to show and express what's true in each moment. This is how we create true healing, integrate the disconnected aspects of our selves (and our world), and become fully alive. I invite you to join me.

I Am

In the past, I've disowned my power. Angry at others for not giving me when I want (while I've been passive, passive-aggressive, indirect, wishy-washy, and sulky about expressing myself), I've experienced a state of powerlessness, of victimization, of frustration, and rage.

I've developed strategies for rationalizing away my desires, my wants, my needs, and my self-expression. Staying stuck in my mind, trying to figure and sort out what's "appropriate," being careful and cautious, controlling my experience so as to also control others', I've played small, waiting for someone else to give me the power and permission to be myself, take care of me, and give me what I desire.

I see now that I need to claim what I want, stand in my truth, and go for it, following my inner and divine direction, asking for what I want and need, and being willing to deal with the consequences: rejection, hearing "no," upsetting someone else, having someone leave or not like me, and so on. A bunch of bullshit, basically.

Well, fuck that. This is what I want, and this is who I am:

I am passionate, powerful, clear, direct, honest, and authentic.

I speak my truth, without controlling or minimizing my words and expression. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know what I want, and I do it and/or ask for it.

I am alive, free, happy, joyous, and creative.

I take a stand for what I believe in.

I support and encourage others to be honest, authentic, powerful, and passionate. I say what I see and notice in them.

I say yes when I want to say yes and no when I want to say no.

I create exciting, passionate, fun, creative, dynamic relationships.

I generate and allow my own life force to flow fully in my body and in my being.

I make clear choices in alignment with my vision, divine guidance, and desire.

I am connected to my truth and knowing.

I am present in my body and being.

I am open, vulnerable, compassionate, attuned, sensitive, and strong.

I create and manifest my deepest desires. I trust that each moment is perfect. I choose how I act in each moment, and how I respond to what's happening in each moment.

I am awake, alert, erotic.

I am the creator of my experience.

I am connected to my divinity.

I am alive.

I am.

Falling Free

Mind numb, tension, tightness, constriction. Wanting to hold on to something, to some sense of control, tightening down, getting a grip, anything to not lose control, to spin completely out of control. Danger, danger, what might be unleashed? What monster might be uncaged, roaring free?

Roaring free in rage, in bliss, in wildabandonpassionoutofcontroldesire, uninhibited, fearless devotion to serve, to hear and follow love's call, God's call. To say what needs to be said, the "I love you's," the "fuck you's," the truth that I fear is so ugly, the truth that makes me vulnerable, left open, naked, unguarded, able to be hurt by another, unprotected. If I speak up you might leave, if I don't speak up I leave both of us, and I just want to run away, far away and hide.

Some of the people who I've most loved and admired spoke the truth, even when it wasn't pretty, even when no one liked them, or at least seemed to. The ones who were the most crude, obnoxious, antisocial, raw. I hated them at first, felt triggered out of my mind. And then, somehow, I loved them. Admired them. Respected them for their aliveness, authenticity, passion. They even turned out to be the most loving and giving people, more so than most any "polite" spiritual seeker or teacher that I've met.

Now, it is time to love myself in the same way. To give myself permission to be exactly as I am, from a place of total love and acceptance. To be an asshole, to be a lover, to be raw, to be out of control, messy, wrong, inspired, uninhibited, devoted, passionate, crazy, wild, playful, committed (hopefully not in the literal sense ;) Not in a contrived way, or an identified way, but in a moment-to-moment authentic way.

My love and desire is stronger than my fear.

I am choosing this.

Fuck it.

Time to live.

Becoming

Beloved, I miss you
Your hands on my skin
The warmth of your body pressed against mine
The taste of your lips

I miss your merciless adoration
Kinds words spoken against soft pillows as the hours grow late
Adventurous play without inhibition
Passionate desire
Radiant fire
Beside me
Inside me
Inside you

In this internal sacred marriage that is becoming embodied
I am loving myself, so that I may receive the full force of your love
Praising myself, so that I do not require it from you
Caring for myself, so that you can care for yourself
Respecting myself, so that you can respect me

I am learning to say no
So that you may say yes
Trusting myself
So that you may trust me
Seeing myself
So that I may see you
Finding my strength
So that I do not fear nor demand yours

I am preparing this temple, Beloved
Temple of David
So that you may come home
Return to my arms
To my eyes
To my heart
Offer our gifts
Make love as God and Goddess
And give birth to Love

The Sacred Union of the self
Must precede that with other
I know this
I feel this
I am this
But still I miss you
Even as the love grows inside me
Making me whole
Making me a man
I miss you
Two whole pieces of the puzzle
Awaiting their fit

Soon, our whole selves will come together
In this blissful union
For right now, I am coming together
In this blissful union
Present
Awake
Alive
In body
In love

Neither advancing nor retreating
Present with the fear
Holding myself in love
Marrying myself
Becoming the One

Becoming the One
I have sought
Becoming the One
You have sought
Becoming the One
God has sought
Becoming the One
Becoming One
Becoming

Burn

Fire
Sacred Fire
Holy Fire
Burn it all away

Burn away the rage
The insecurity
The neediness
The lies
The doubt
The shame

Burn it all
In one fell swoop
Set it all ablaze
Burn that shit down

Burn through the illusion
That any of it is real
Burn through the veil
That stands between me
And the truth
Burn away the thoughts
That believe it's who I am
Burn away the myths
That were created by false gods

Let there be fire in the body
Fire in the heart
Fire in the mind
Fire in the soul

Let the raging inferno
Shine its light
And show me the way

Bring me home, fire
Bring me home
It is time
Now

Amen

Landing

Little by little, I feel myself settling. Turbulence subsiding, waves smoothing over, I feel calmer, more grounded, stronger.

I've always felt so emotionally turbulent, thrown off by someone's words, affected by someone's actions. Seeking the approval of others, afraid of being abandoned, scared of being alone, I've overcompensated, compromised my truth and my essence in an effort to attempt to control everything and everyone around me.

I've been quite the strategist: "Maybe if I say or do x, then the other person will do y." "I don't want the other person to know how I feel about him/her, so I'm not going to show it so that they won't think I'm ____ and react by _____." "I need to figure out everything beforehand so that things won't get messy. I need to do it quickly before it's too late." And so on.

My friend Johnathan pointed out recently how problem-focused I tend to be, as opposed to present-focused, particularly in my relationships. Always looking for what's wrong, what needs to be fixed, what the other person is/isn't doing, needing to figure things out and know where we're going. All sorts of strategies to keep myself safe and in control, to avoid potential pain or loss. It's not very much fun, for myself or other other person.

Instead, he suggested relaxing into the moment, allowing what is to be so, and simply being present. No need to do anything, no need to change anything, simply being grateful for what is there, for my deeper excitement about who I'm with and my love for them. There are times when things need to be discussed, but I see the difference in doing so out of fear versus openness. Ultimately, it comes down to making a different choice: How do I want to be/act with what is happening?

So, I've been practicing. The past several months in particular have been like a boot-camp in presence. Can I hold on to myself, stay connected to source and to essence, trust in the divine, let go, surrender, stand in my truth and my power, experience my own worth, receive the love and support that's always available, know when to set aside my own needs and fears to be present with another, clearly see another is the midst of my fear and insecurity, remain calm, present, and connected in response to another's opinions/judgments/emotional storm, act instead of react, honor myself, take care of my own needs, praise and value myself instead of needing another to do it for me, be responsible for myself and allow others to do the same for themselves, and remain loving and open through my fear, constriction, and insecurity? The answer, more and more frequently, is yes, I can. In fact, yes, I am.

I feel happier, more present, more loving and in love, and more ease than I've ever felt before. Practicing presence is like exercising a muscle: it gets stronger over time. The constant internal chaos is becoming more like a spike here and there, and I find myself navigating through those more easily.

It's time to stop trying and to instead allow, receive, and follow the joy. To have fun, to play, to laugh, to dance, to explore, and to create. To let go of figuring it all out and trust, and deal with things as they arise rather than preparing for them. In the words of Abraham, "All is well."

And so it is.

Surrendered into Divinity

In this place of wholeness
There is no effort

Making love to creation
Being made love to
A sensual feast
Of the skin
Eyes
Ears
Breath

Nothing to do
Empty fullness
Still
Calm
Present
Powerful

The essence of presence
Relaxed in the moment
Free to choose
To act
No strings

Open heart
Soft body
Strong spine
Taken open by love
Opening to love
Offering love
Embodying love

A gift given and received
Simply by choosing
To surrender
Drop in
Allow
Embrace
Receive
The beauty that surrounds me

I don't need to try
There is already enough
Plenty
An abundance

I just need to surrender
Into the arms
Of God

Tempering

As I continue to rise up
Rebuilding
Reconstructing
Recreating
Reintegrating
I feel a strong foundation being formed inside me

Even in the space of love, the rage is still present. I am being called to let go of the duality and recognize that they are not separate. To experience the bigness of love, and how it can hold everything. All the darkness. All the light. All one.

In the face of this rage, I am being called to be present. To notice it, to breathe with it, and to embrace it.

It is not always easy. Anger is probably my most shameful emotion. Sometimes I want to scream it out, sometimes I want to focus it on someone else, sometimes I just want it to go away. I feel like I need to do something with it, anything to not feel it, anything to not allow others to see it, to just not have it be there. I wonder if it will hurt someone or scare them away. I fear its power. I fear my own power.

Yet, if we are to tame the beast, we must befriend it, get to know it, take it for a walk, and ultimately love it. Like a hose on full blast spraying in every which way, once we get a handle on it, we can focus the stream. We must master the intensity and ferocity, becoming skilled artisans with the sword.

It is not a matter of wondering if we are or aren't angry: we all have the sword of anger inside of us. Therefore, the question becomes: What will we do with it? Deny it? Suppress it? Ignore it? Make nice and cover it up?

Or, will we step up and face it, embrace it, dance with it, hold it, and master it? Any other choice is playing into the game that we see in the world around us, a world where unchecked and unloved anger is being used to destroy, kill, torture, and rape both the earth and its people.

As I cultivate a relationship with anger, holding it in love, I experience a new flavor of love. A fierce love, one that knows when to cut, when to slice, when to protect, when to honor, and when to bless.

With this fierce love comes a sense of clarity, of knowing, and of purpose. It is cutting through the "maybe" kind of love, the "let's wait-and-see" kind of love, the wishy-washy love. It is helping to keep me strong in the face of disapproval, the face of judgment, the face of uncertainty, the face of isolation, and the face of self-doubt. It is opening my heart, knowing that I can take care of it, that I am powerful enough to hold myself, and to surrender into the arms of God.

Lead the way. I am yours. I am mine. I am ours.

I am.

Unbridled Love

Today I'm experiencing what it feels like
To love unbridled
Unhinged
Unattached

Noticing ways that my love has been
Conditional
Expectational
Demanding

It is an illusion to think that somehow, if I let go, I'll lose something
Never to have it come back
In that control
In that constriction
In that contraction
I think I have control
But I don't

Today I chose to love
To open my heart
To fully trust
To let go
To experience a love that requires nothing in return

Moments of fear arise
I want to reach out and grab on
But instead
I choose to simply love again
Feeling the depths of my love
Of my desire
Of my adoration
Of my devotion
Of my passion

And I feel free

Resurrection

Today, I have risen from the ashes
Come back from the dead
Into the land of the living

Resting in this new awareness
This new life
This new love
Knowing a simple truth:

I did nothing wrong
Ever

I was not responsible for their feelings
For their actions
For their behavior
Nor am I responsible for yours

Your reactions
Your responses to me
Are your business
Not mine

They are for you to notice
Transform
Love
As I have to yours

Only I can completely free myself
Only you can completely free yourself
In that, we all become free
We can support one another
Love one another
But, ultimately, we must choose for ourselves

I have tried my best
Given my all
Loved as best as I've know how to in each moment
That is all I can do
That is all I can continue to do

I have done nothing wrong
I am not wrong
I am not bad
It is not my fault
I will not apologize for myself any longer

I am love
I am loved
I am love
Love

Amen.

Ask For What You Need

As I enter a new chapter in my life and a time of transformation, I come to a place of uncertainty. What do I need to do? How do I heal? How do I call forth what I most desire? How do I trust and have faith? How do I find true happiness? How do I fulfill my purpose? I ask the question of what to do, and the divine speaks:

"Ask for what you need."

Immediately, I begin to question it: ask who? what? when? where? how?

The instant my mind begins to question, the divine interrupts, cutting off my question:

"Ask for what you need."

Oh, I get it. I don't need to be concerned with the details; all I need to do is ask, and let the divine take over. It sounds so simple, maybe even a little too easy. You mean I don't have to figure it out? I don't have to make it all happen? I don't have to control or force any of it?

I suppose not, because any other response other than simply stating a need (I don't even get to give a long explanation; the divine cuts me off after the first word, apparently wanting me to be quick and to the point) is met with the same exact question, same voice, same tone:

"Ask for what you need."

Well, all right then. Here goes:

Love
Healing
Connection
Intimacy
Passion
Sacred Union
Friendship
Support
Guidance
Trust
Faith
Hope
Desire
Fulfillment
Pleasure
Joy
Laughter
Lightness
Play
Gratitude
Surrender
Meaning
Sex
Humor
Power
Strength
Courage
Creativity
Self-expression
Ease
Fluidity
Clarity
Discovery
Partnership
Abundance
Vitality
Health
Well-being
Nurturing
Growth
Compassion
Touch
Exuberance
Fun
Energy
Purpose
Relationship
Community
Grace
Harmony
Peace
Simplicity
Beauty
Inspiration
Belief

I'm told that I just need to keep stating my needs and that all will be fulfilled. Nothing more; simply having a moment to moment awareness and speaking what I need. More to follow . . .

p.s. A new laptop with a large hard drive would be great, too! ;)

Firestorm

There is rage inside me , big rage. A firestorm, it feels like.

It has been present for the past few days, as I've moved beyond the fears, insecurities, and shame that I've been swimming in and out of for the past couple of weeks. A fiery ball in my belly and chest, filling me with a sense of power, of choice, of self-protection and self-love.

In the past, I've often suppressed my anger, fearing that I'd be abandoned if I expressed it, that others couldn't handle it, that it would be dangerous. After all, I grew up with the unhealthy version directed towards me in the form of ridicule, blame, shame, punishment, and abuse. As I result, I disconnected from my own anger, unwilling to fully own and step into it. Instead, I internalized it, stewing, smouldering, feeling intense contempt and hatred but having no real outlet for it. As a result, I often became depressed, passive, weak, helpless. Today, I see it manifest as being passive-aggressive, making snide underhanded comments and cutting remarks without being direct and owning my own feelings. I've been blaming others and putting my anger on them.

As I've sat with my anger for the past couple of days, I've noticed the urge to go away, to move out of relationship with others and go deal with it by myself. What I'm realizing tonight is that bringing this anger into relationship is what true intimacy is about.

Anger is a gift. It allows us to move from being a victim to acknowledging our own power and vitality, making us equal, alive, human. The victim disowns the anger, the perpetrator puts it on others. The emotional meaning of anger is that boundaries have been crossed, and now they need to be set. The real use and blessing of it, the healthy expression, comes when we embrace it, own it, and stand in it.

That is what I'm choosing to do now. It's my anger, not someone else's. It's my truth. It's my power and my life force. I wrote yesterday how, as men, we need to take our raw sexual energy (which is closely linked to anger), and align it with our hearts and higher selves. This is how we begin to heal. This is how we claim the divine masculine. This is how we become love. By embracing all of it, by relaxing into it, by opening to it, and by loving through it, in all forms. In this way, it becomes conscious. The more I do this, the more alive, the more aroused, the more turned on, the more passionate that I feel.

I am alive.