Landing

Little by little, I feel myself settling. Turbulence subsiding, waves smoothing over, I feel calmer, more grounded, stronger.

I've always felt so emotionally turbulent, thrown off by someone's words, affected by someone's actions. Seeking the approval of others, afraid of being abandoned, scared of being alone, I've overcompensated, compromised my truth and my essence in an effort to attempt to control everything and everyone around me.

I've been quite the strategist: "Maybe if I say or do x, then the other person will do y." "I don't want the other person to know how I feel about him/her, so I'm not going to show it so that they won't think I'm ____ and react by _____." "I need to figure out everything beforehand so that things won't get messy. I need to do it quickly before it's too late." And so on.

My friend Johnathan pointed out recently how problem-focused I tend to be, as opposed to present-focused, particularly in my relationships. Always looking for what's wrong, what needs to be fixed, what the other person is/isn't doing, needing to figure things out and know where we're going. All sorts of strategies to keep myself safe and in control, to avoid potential pain or loss. It's not very much fun, for myself or other other person.

Instead, he suggested relaxing into the moment, allowing what is to be so, and simply being present. No need to do anything, no need to change anything, simply being grateful for what is there, for my deeper excitement about who I'm with and my love for them. There are times when things need to be discussed, but I see the difference in doing so out of fear versus openness. Ultimately, it comes down to making a different choice: How do I want to be/act with what is happening?

So, I've been practicing. The past several months in particular have been like a boot-camp in presence. Can I hold on to myself, stay connected to source and to essence, trust in the divine, let go, surrender, stand in my truth and my power, experience my own worth, receive the love and support that's always available, know when to set aside my own needs and fears to be present with another, clearly see another is the midst of my fear and insecurity, remain calm, present, and connected in response to another's opinions/judgments/emotional storm, act instead of react, honor myself, take care of my own needs, praise and value myself instead of needing another to do it for me, be responsible for myself and allow others to do the same for themselves, and remain loving and open through my fear, constriction, and insecurity? The answer, more and more frequently, is yes, I can. In fact, yes, I am.

I feel happier, more present, more loving and in love, and more ease than I've ever felt before. Practicing presence is like exercising a muscle: it gets stronger over time. The constant internal chaos is becoming more like a spike here and there, and I find myself navigating through those more easily.

It's time to stop trying and to instead allow, receive, and follow the joy. To have fun, to play, to laugh, to dance, to explore, and to create. To let go of figuring it all out and trust, and deal with things as they arise rather than preparing for them. In the words of Abraham, "All is well."

And so it is.