Mind numb, tension, tightness, constriction. Wanting to hold on to something, to some sense of control, tightening down, getting a grip, anything to not lose control, to spin completely out of control. Danger, danger, what might be unleashed? What monster might be uncaged, roaring free?
Roaring free in rage, in bliss, in wildabandonpassionoutofcontroldesire, uninhibited, fearless devotion to serve, to hear and follow love's call, God's call. To say what needs to be said, the "I love you's," the "fuck you's," the truth that I fear is so ugly, the truth that makes me vulnerable, left open, naked, unguarded, able to be hurt by another, unprotected. If I speak up you might leave, if I don't speak up I leave both of us, and I just want to run away, far away and hide.
Some of the people who I've most loved and admired spoke the truth, even when it wasn't pretty, even when no one liked them, or at least seemed to. The ones who were the most crude, obnoxious, antisocial, raw. I hated them at first, felt triggered out of my mind. And then, somehow, I loved them. Admired them. Respected them for their aliveness, authenticity, passion. They even turned out to be the most loving and giving people, more so than most any "polite" spiritual seeker or teacher that I've met.
Now, it is time to love myself in the same way. To give myself permission to be exactly as I am, from a place of total love and acceptance. To be an asshole, to be a lover, to be raw, to be out of control, messy, wrong, inspired, uninhibited, devoted, passionate, crazy, wild, playful, committed (hopefully not in the literal sense ;) Not in a contrived way, or an identified way, but in a moment-to-moment authentic way.
My love and desire is stronger than my fear.
I am choosing this.
Fuck it.
Time to live.
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